Throwing Dirt

             I realized the other day that my blogs lack serious coolness and relativity. I read a few "cool" blogs about design's and cooking things people had created or redone themselves and suddenly I was left feeling insignificant. As if my little commentaries about my wacky, random thoughts were totally lame compared to these "get to it" women. This is totally not a pity thing, please don't bombard my email with well wishing and "oh don't worry, your still awesome" emails. Because I am ok..I got over my self and realized that it is what it is and if I want to change it then I can..I just have to get to it and become crafty and all those things that take time and effort and honestly just give me nightmares thinking about it with a one year old walking around.

       So now that were all aware of the obvious..that my blog isnt going to be as awesome as some of the others that you have read, I think we can move on and discuss what this blog is really about.

Basically, I read this amazing quote the other day that has just really stuck with me..mainly because I am a visual learner and things that create a story in my head stick better.

                                             "He who throws dirt loses ground." -Unknown

So simple and basic. Right?!

Why is this very basic principle so hard to live by? I recently have found myself on this journey of desperately wanting to learn to love people in a real way, a deep very non fake and plastic way.

Growing up I felt like I picked up a few bad habits from people not that it was their fault, it was my fault for creating a character collage in my head of all these different mannerisms. Fake it until you Make it was a mantra for my life for a really really long time....like a long time.

When you walk a certain path that is well lit with scrutiny and judgement you basically tattoo this mantra onto your heart.

Every interaction becomes fake and totally un real and un true. I wont show you who I am because I don't want to get hurt, so I will distance my self as far away from you as I can and in the process I began to lose ground from all the dirt I began to throw to cover up what was really going on with me.

I was apart of an exclusive club only my sign read "NO ONE ALLOWED"

Yeah that got me not very far in my life, so it's time to chop that clubhouse down and use the scraps for firewood because I am choosing to stand my ground and stop throwing dirt. I will dig my heels in and honestly, truly choose to figure people out and allow my heart to be seen.
                                          GULP

Yes that was the sound of me trying to swallow my pride.

Its an awkward process but thankfully I can do all things through Christ who strengthen's me and I have a feeling I am going to need a lot of strength in this next season..

I will yell  " BRING IT" to this storm of uncomfortable and lonely feelings coming my way.

When you stop throwing dirt ..you become totally vulnerable to having dirt thrown at you.

Guess its time to love the taste of dirt because I am doing this. I am all in. Prepare yourself for a very lovey dovey Ashley from now on...once I figure out what that looks like that is... haha and PLEASE hold me accountable to it. The last thing I want to be is a hypocrite so if you see me throwing dirt or faking it just yell at me " Stop trying to build your own clubhouse Ashley"!!!

I will give 5 bucks to anyone who has the guts to do that if they truly see me doing it. Rebecca Ball is excluded from this offer.