Catching up with my heart

I have written a few blogs over the last few years, but clearly I don't really know how to keep up with it. Honestly I believe it's because I don't truly know how to express myself. I still get caught up in a game of fear with myself where any sign of weakness is a sign that your not trusting God.
I have been through some judgments in my past that may have help mold me into some pretend stereotype Christian. I long to be real, and safe with people. I am having to confront the fact that I don't truly feel like I have found a single person save maybe 2 that I can honestly trust. Real trust, like spill my guts with all of my weakness and secrets as messy as it may be and know with all of my heart that that person will not give me up to anyone.
That my weaknesses will never be able to be used against me. I find that in my every day life and even in my church I am so tirelessly guarded  I have been hurt time and time again by "friends" who give up my secrets and even my dreams. I have such a hard time being around people that constantly put themselves and their dreams above others, I am realizing that I am a bit gun shy with this. I will fake until I make it with 90% of the people that I meet.
It's so hard sometimes to be married to such a strong person like Jose, he is never shaken. The term "water off of a duck's back" was branded after him. I am like a tender flower ready to fall apart and he is like this strong fortress holding me together. It makes it difficult thought because it is so much to live up to. Sometimes I want to just fall apart and actually catch up with what my heart is feeling. Instead of feeling so guilty for feeling betrayed, and hurt and abandoned. I hate gossip, I hate the lives it destroys and I hate as hard as I disparately try to stay away from it, it usually finds me and then blames me for the whole conversation  So, because of this I am even more guarded than ever before. Most of the time I feel like I am a ticking time bomb ready to go off, I have such a packed schedule with the girls and balancing ministry that I honestly feel like I don't have time to feel what I am really feeling and that eventually the hurt will leave but one more stone of suspicion and caution is added to my heart. As Christians I know that we desire to be there for each other but for some reason we take the scripture "bear one another's burdens, and Judge a tree by its fruit" tangled and then tear each other apart. Something I genuinely never want to confuse, so for now I am just trying to catch up with my heart and let it heal when I can.