Lonely Lessons ...

It's one of those days.

 Grey and dark, all the brilliant orange and yellow leaves are standing out, showing the world that it's their time to shine.

 It's perfect. 

Its also Saturday, no plans, no rush, just slow and perfect.

 Jose told me to go, spend some time alone, get out there and enjoy the day. 

Now some of you reading may be reaming with insane jealousy right now at the idea of having some alone time, away from your home, your life, everything that demands you. Trust me, I feel you and I am by no means trying to play some type of weird martyr. 

That's just it. 

On this day that honestly is battling for a slot in my motherhood hall of fame, I can't seem to pull myself away from my house. See if I step away from the house then the five billion balls that I have rotating in the air will all come tumbling down. I cant just walk away and be alone. 

I mean after all, don't I keep everything going, everything together, everything in place and in order? 

Or is this very real fact just an excuse to keep inside my very busy hiding place?

Why can't I seem to just put on my shoes and leave? ( I mean besides the fact that I didn't actually do the right laundry and I am out of cute shoe jeans and all I have are tennis shoe jeans left) <<<<I seriously pray I am not the only crazy person with that issue>>>>>>

I finally threw on my hobo like sweatshirt, ugly shoe jeans, and tennis shoes- left the house, started driving Jose's massive truck because we sold my car and I am stuck driving boy cars until we figure out our next vehicle. ( If were being honest, we are waiting for me to succumb to my mini van fate that lies ahead of me) 

I manage to make it the coffee shop ( one of THREE in this tiny town that will actually sell me coffee in a mug because coffee in a mug is a must when you are alone) 

I park the behemoth truck and I just sit there. 

I flashed back to when I was living in Washington, a single mother with two small children, actually attempting college. I would always just sit there in the overcrowded parking lot, frozen, alone, and very scared. I didn't actually think I could be anything but a single mother, working, overwhelmed, I mean I didn't deserve more than that, I couldn't. It wasn't a matter of IF I could do it, it was a matter of everything having its proper order in life, and I was sure I didn't deserve a life.

Sitting there in the truck about to attempt some alone time, and doing all the flashing back, it finally hit me. When I go in to that coffee shop and set up my books, and my laptop, and begin to put down my thoughts its not just some insignificant thing. What I have inside of me is no light thing, and when I was a single mother I felt shame and like I was a failure for getting myself into the situation that I was in, so the idea of being good at college and letting what is inside of me out, was more than I could handle.

I had to push through this, I have to start believing in me, in who I am, in who I was created to be.

It is a daring move to go forward in the face of intimidation, of hard work, of all the "No's" of all the doubters, of all the people who said you can't, who said here is the line, you wont make it past here. 

We have greatness inside of us, when we are afraid to tap into the greatness it feels like a giant wall in front of us, or a heavy cloud just sitting on our lungs, slowly preventing air from getting in. We feel it, we feel the pain surfacing, the fear, the what if's bleeding through. 

We all have something to say..we all have a story, we all have something inside of us that the world needs to hear, see, experience, taste, feel. 

There is a thought that can creep in its on the tip of your mind spear heading everything you do which is " What if I fall, what if I can't, what if I don't" for some of us, these thoughts have made up our external and internal makeup, its become an anthem so loud that we no longer think or hear anything else.  As much as that song of doubt plays and sings over us we have to know that God is shouting back at us " What if you SOAR, What if you CAN, What if you DO, What if you WIN,  What if you CHANGE IT ALL" 

It's a scary thought to think that what you have inside of you is actually capable of shaping, molding, forming tomorrow. 

But as we stand in his grace and his favor we have to also understand that we stand in his legacy, his inheritance, we are his children. Not something we earn, or work our way into, its in our blood, its in our DNA to overcome. 

*You have greatness in you, dig for it, once you find it, let it out. 

The world is waiting.