Lonely Lessons ...

It's one of those days.

 Grey and dark, all the brilliant orange and yellow leaves are standing out, showing the world that it's their time to shine.

 It's perfect. 

Its also Saturday, no plans, no rush, just slow and perfect.

 Jose told me to go, spend some time alone, get out there and enjoy the day. 

Now some of you reading may be reaming with insane jealousy right now at the idea of having some alone time, away from your home, your life, everything that demands you. Trust me, I feel you and I am by no means trying to play some type of weird martyr. 

That's just it. 

On this day that honestly is battling for a slot in my motherhood hall of fame, I can't seem to pull myself away from my house. See if I step away from the house then the five billion balls that I have rotating in the air will all come tumbling down. I cant just walk away and be alone. 

I mean after all, don't I keep everything going, everything together, everything in place and in order? 

Or is this very real fact just an excuse to keep inside my very busy hiding place?

Why can't I seem to just put on my shoes and leave? ( I mean besides the fact that I didn't actually do the right laundry and I am out of cute shoe jeans and all I have are tennis shoe jeans left) <<<<I seriously pray I am not the only crazy person with that issue>>>>>>

I finally threw on my hobo like sweatshirt, ugly shoe jeans, and tennis shoes- left the house, started driving Jose's massive truck because we sold my car and I am stuck driving boy cars until we figure out our next vehicle. ( If were being honest, we are waiting for me to succumb to my mini van fate that lies ahead of me) 

I manage to make it the coffee shop ( one of THREE in this tiny town that will actually sell me coffee in a mug because coffee in a mug is a must when you are alone) 

I park the behemoth truck and I just sit there. 

I flashed back to when I was living in Washington, a single mother with two small children, actually attempting college. I would always just sit there in the overcrowded parking lot, frozen, alone, and very scared. I didn't actually think I could be anything but a single mother, working, overwhelmed, I mean I didn't deserve more than that, I couldn't. It wasn't a matter of IF I could do it, it was a matter of everything having its proper order in life, and I was sure I didn't deserve a life.

Sitting there in the truck about to attempt some alone time, and doing all the flashing back, it finally hit me. When I go in to that coffee shop and set up my books, and my laptop, and begin to put down my thoughts its not just some insignificant thing. What I have inside of me is no light thing, and when I was a single mother I felt shame and like I was a failure for getting myself into the situation that I was in, so the idea of being good at college and letting what is inside of me out, was more than I could handle.

I had to push through this, I have to start believing in me, in who I am, in who I was created to be.

It is a daring move to go forward in the face of intimidation, of hard work, of all the "No's" of all the doubters, of all the people who said you can't, who said here is the line, you wont make it past here. 

We have greatness inside of us, when we are afraid to tap into the greatness it feels like a giant wall in front of us, or a heavy cloud just sitting on our lungs, slowly preventing air from getting in. We feel it, we feel the pain surfacing, the fear, the what if's bleeding through. 

We all have something to say..we all have a story, we all have something inside of us that the world needs to hear, see, experience, taste, feel. 

There is a thought that can creep in its on the tip of your mind spear heading everything you do which is " What if I fall, what if I can't, what if I don't" for some of us, these thoughts have made up our external and internal makeup, its become an anthem so loud that we no longer think or hear anything else.  As much as that song of doubt plays and sings over us we have to know that God is shouting back at us " What if you SOAR, What if you CAN, What if you DO, What if you WIN,  What if you CHANGE IT ALL" 

It's a scary thought to think that what you have inside of you is actually capable of shaping, molding, forming tomorrow. 

But as we stand in his grace and his favor we have to also understand that we stand in his legacy, his inheritance, we are his children. Not something we earn, or work our way into, its in our blood, its in our DNA to overcome. 

*You have greatness in you, dig for it, once you find it, let it out. 

The world is waiting. 

My Morphine Drip ...

I had all these thoughts going through my head tonight, I guess I needed somewhere to put them; so here I am on a Sunday night about to publish them. Some of you may wonder at this, like" hello Ashley its called a diary". I get it. 

But I am still hoping at least one of you reading will be a licensed therapist and will take pity on me and shrink me. 

Its Sunday

This day is still one of the hardest days for me. 

Jose and I started watching a tv show on Netflix..good ole Netflix. Its called Longmire..its about a sheriff in a small town in Wyoming near Cheyenne, the main character is not only an uncanny doppelganger to my Dad but the very character is a freaky resemblance of my Dad in almost every way, the mannerisms, the cop in Wyoming part, all of it. 

At first it was like a quick punch in the gut, and now its like a slow drip of morphine..something I feel like I need. Its been weeks since I have called to talk to my Dad...truth is, feels like ripping open a freshly sewn stitch every time I did call. The silence is nearly unbearable, and its so hard to sit there and tell him all about my life, everything he's missed, everything he's missing. Every weekend I try and muster up the courage and then Sunday comes... and I just fall apart. I know it sounds crazy but watching this silly show makes me feel connected to him somehow, because I know its something he'd like, and as I mentioned the guy is basically my Dad's twin. 

I hate that football season started and that the Broncos are undefeated...if nothing else SURELY that would wake him up...or my little brothers birthdays, or my little sisters wedding, or his long lost son that he hasn't seen in 17 years who found him and went to see him. One of those things I was sure would wake him by now, I mean he's "awake" I suppose, his eyes are open but no response, no recognition, nothing. I hate the nothing. I hate the distance, I hate how much I don't talk to him and I hate how much I want to. I hate that I can actually talk about it now with out falling apart, I hate that its becoming a normal thing, like; this is who my Dad is now....I just feel like everyone in my world has been robbed of the chance to truly understand how amazing my Dad is, he is not just some guy, he's the strongest man I have ever known and to whom everyone else is held standard to. 

Of course I am still full of faith and hope that God can do anything but that doesn't mean there wont be moments of real talk with Jesus and a thing I like to call "Honesty Hour" where I get real honest with the Lord about everything I am feeling..It looks very much like a toddler screaming for ice cream in the middle of the frozen food section at a grocery store. 

I don't really want to wait anymore...I don't want to have any more moments pass us by that he has to miss .. I just don't. I don't want to dream that he's awake and has been awake anymore, I don't want to hear the sad solemn sound in my grandparents voice when I talk to them anymore, I just want everything to go back to normal, I want to call my Dad on Sunday afternoon and talk to him even if its about the weather because my father is the most private man ive ever known. I don't care, I just want to hear his voice.  

Those are my thoughts, I feel better getting them out. 

I know its a mess, but I thought id post a picture of my Dad and that Longmire fellow so you can see what I am talking about. 

     

A Little Fall Frankness .....

Well it's October something.. and although you didn't need me to tell you that, I am still unsure of the best way to start a blog. Much like I am with conversations outside of the digital world..awkward and usually mis understood not because I am super cool and have it goin on but because I usually check out of conversations and get distracted because my brain is a big fat ball of crazy. 

So with that opening...how could this October blog be dull...right?

Well as usual I am going to be honest with my faithful readers because only you select few get a front row seat into the privy secrets of my life. 

Tonight was one of those nights that was just an all around failure...I know there are moments on social media that makes peoples lives look glorious and amazing..this will not be one of those posts. Thats for sure. 

Lets just start at around 2 pm when I told my husband that I would go drop off some remaining items from the yard sale we had done the day before. He seemed totally fine with it; the three year old was sleeping, the other two were busy. I decided it would be a good moment to step away and go have some alone time with just me and God. This was very much over due since my entire morning in worship at church was spent with me trying to forgive my children for ruining my somewhat of a clean house and making me super late. ( Sometimes its just hard to get into the spirit) 

After I dropped off all the items I drove a few blocks over to the coffee shop that I knew (from the last time I went) would be open until 4 on a Sunday...well it was closed ...a part of their regular business hours now..( Just goes to show how long its been since I have been) 

I drove around looking for any place except Starbucks to have this amazing encounter with Jesus..     ( All he needed was a hillside, I apparently need coffee, a table, music, and ambiance) 

I never found one, so I gave up and went back home, I retreated to my room thinking surely my children would catch the hint...Mom is off duty. 

Well they didn't because in their world that term "off duty" does not exist. My second grader came in with her Common Core math problems....(Lord Jesus) seriously though....I said that a lot... I began to try and make sense of these stupid letter line questions of cm and meter differences and I helped her with the only way I have ever known how to do subtraction a method which is foreign to my child who's been submerged into this common core mayhem. So that math lesson was frustrating and very very long. Plus half way through I forgot if you turn the 0 into a ten the second 0 goes down to a 9...not up to an 11....that may have taken some of our time....(its been a long time) ...

Anyway lets speed this sad pathetic day along.. I had this grand notion that my beautiful little family of mine would travel to Sisters with my husband to do a test drive with a potential buyer of our car that we are selling..when I went to approach him about this beautiful notion of mine he said that had already asked his two friends to go with him ( Who I really do adore...just not in this moment) ....so that was settled..I would once again stay home with the kids. 

I marched myself back inside where I stole his favorite candy out of his hiding spot, plopped down on my bed and watched Gilmore Girls for an hour. 

At 5:30 my daughter mentioned that it felt like dinner time....it occurred to me then that I although pouting and acting like a 14 year old did not change the three human beings that counted on me for survival. So I did what any good, caring, and considerate mother would do...I taught my nine year old how to make macaroni and cheese. Yes I did people....I felt it was time. I pulled out our turkey dogs ( because we like to eat clean .. you know) and got that dinner out. 

The evening came to a close and after my children were in bed and I went into the bathroom to clean a few things up where, I happened to notice the lid to my brand new foot scrub (that cost me nearly $20 dollars) on the floor...I thought to myself.."hmmm that weird wonder why its outside the shower on the floor" why that thought even entered my brain I have no clue...as a mother with experience it should have immediately been ..."Game Over with this new crap..one of the kids ruined it"

It was exactly that...I looked in the shower where I found it rolled all the way to the top and then mashed into the tub....all twenty beautiful dollars worth of brand new product. 

My husband saw my reaction...which wasn't pretty and his response nearly caused a divorce. He said "Why did you leave it in the shower?" Instead of responding like an adult and saying "because that's where I use it" I regressed back into 14 year old mode and said a few choice words and then did a few choice things as he dug his hole a little deeper. 

Lets just say it ended with his side of the bed getting drenched with water....I am not the most mature person in arguments...its almost as though I never actually emotionally advanced past 14 and I am just stuck there. 

So he went to bed on top of all the other blankets ( that still makes me laugh so I most likely need to have a Jesus talk) and I just keep thinking about what the Pastor preached on this morning in church about these things in our lives that can come in and devour things from us...I cant help but feel like my children are it.....they are devouring every clean spot, every new thing, every peaceful moment, and every piece of gum ( no joke EVERY SINGLE PIECE) .... 

I know at this point your probably super concerned about my children and their safety.... or possibly my husbands... no need to worry...no matter how many new things my kids break of mine, I still love those little people. God did that on purpose..you see he makes us love them so much that no matter how many crazy, mean, horrible, things they do we will just keep loving them and chalk it all up to hilarious stories for when they are older...that and the fact that I have daughters....theres a good chance they will be mothers some day... and I will repay some of their kindness back at that time. That thought keeps me warm at night and fully sane. 

Well I hope you had fun peering into my secret life.....and pray for me....just in general always pray for me there's always bound to be something challenging my walk with Jesus and its usually my seven year old...so pray hard.