Lonely Lessons ...

It's one of those days.

 Grey and dark, all the brilliant orange and yellow leaves are standing out, showing the world that it's their time to shine.

 It's perfect. 

Its also Saturday, no plans, no rush, just slow and perfect.

 Jose told me to go, spend some time alone, get out there and enjoy the day. 

Now some of you reading may be reaming with insane jealousy right now at the idea of having some alone time, away from your home, your life, everything that demands you. Trust me, I feel you and I am by no means trying to play some type of weird martyr. 

That's just it. 

On this day that honestly is battling for a slot in my motherhood hall of fame, I can't seem to pull myself away from my house. See if I step away from the house then the five billion balls that I have rotating in the air will all come tumbling down. I cant just walk away and be alone. 

I mean after all, don't I keep everything going, everything together, everything in place and in order? 

Or is this very real fact just an excuse to keep inside my very busy hiding place?

Why can't I seem to just put on my shoes and leave? ( I mean besides the fact that I didn't actually do the right laundry and I am out of cute shoe jeans and all I have are tennis shoe jeans left) <<<<I seriously pray I am not the only crazy person with that issue>>>>>>

I finally threw on my hobo like sweatshirt, ugly shoe jeans, and tennis shoes- left the house, started driving Jose's massive truck because we sold my car and I am stuck driving boy cars until we figure out our next vehicle. ( If were being honest, we are waiting for me to succumb to my mini van fate that lies ahead of me) 

I manage to make it the coffee shop ( one of THREE in this tiny town that will actually sell me coffee in a mug because coffee in a mug is a must when you are alone) 

I park the behemoth truck and I just sit there. 

I flashed back to when I was living in Washington, a single mother with two small children, actually attempting college. I would always just sit there in the overcrowded parking lot, frozen, alone, and very scared. I didn't actually think I could be anything but a single mother, working, overwhelmed, I mean I didn't deserve more than that, I couldn't. It wasn't a matter of IF I could do it, it was a matter of everything having its proper order in life, and I was sure I didn't deserve a life.

Sitting there in the truck about to attempt some alone time, and doing all the flashing back, it finally hit me. When I go in to that coffee shop and set up my books, and my laptop, and begin to put down my thoughts its not just some insignificant thing. What I have inside of me is no light thing, and when I was a single mother I felt shame and like I was a failure for getting myself into the situation that I was in, so the idea of being good at college and letting what is inside of me out, was more than I could handle.

I had to push through this, I have to start believing in me, in who I am, in who I was created to be.

It is a daring move to go forward in the face of intimidation, of hard work, of all the "No's" of all the doubters, of all the people who said you can't, who said here is the line, you wont make it past here. 

We have greatness inside of us, when we are afraid to tap into the greatness it feels like a giant wall in front of us, or a heavy cloud just sitting on our lungs, slowly preventing air from getting in. We feel it, we feel the pain surfacing, the fear, the what if's bleeding through. 

We all have something to say..we all have a story, we all have something inside of us that the world needs to hear, see, experience, taste, feel. 

There is a thought that can creep in its on the tip of your mind spear heading everything you do which is " What if I fall, what if I can't, what if I don't" for some of us, these thoughts have made up our external and internal makeup, its become an anthem so loud that we no longer think or hear anything else.  As much as that song of doubt plays and sings over us we have to know that God is shouting back at us " What if you SOAR, What if you CAN, What if you DO, What if you WIN,  What if you CHANGE IT ALL" 

It's a scary thought to think that what you have inside of you is actually capable of shaping, molding, forming tomorrow. 

But as we stand in his grace and his favor we have to also understand that we stand in his legacy, his inheritance, we are his children. Not something we earn, or work our way into, its in our blood, its in our DNA to overcome. 

*You have greatness in you, dig for it, once you find it, let it out. 

The world is waiting. 

My Morphine Drip ...

I had all these thoughts going through my head tonight, I guess I needed somewhere to put them; so here I am on a Sunday night about to publish them. Some of you may wonder at this, like" hello Ashley its called a diary". I get it. 

But I am still hoping at least one of you reading will be a licensed therapist and will take pity on me and shrink me. 

Its Sunday

This day is still one of the hardest days for me. 

Jose and I started watching a tv show on Netflix..good ole Netflix. Its called Longmire..its about a sheriff in a small town in Wyoming near Cheyenne, the main character is not only an uncanny doppelganger to my Dad but the very character is a freaky resemblance of my Dad in almost every way, the mannerisms, the cop in Wyoming part, all of it. 

At first it was like a quick punch in the gut, and now its like a slow drip of morphine..something I feel like I need. Its been weeks since I have called to talk to my Dad...truth is, feels like ripping open a freshly sewn stitch every time I did call. The silence is nearly unbearable, and its so hard to sit there and tell him all about my life, everything he's missed, everything he's missing. Every weekend I try and muster up the courage and then Sunday comes... and I just fall apart. I know it sounds crazy but watching this silly show makes me feel connected to him somehow, because I know its something he'd like, and as I mentioned the guy is basically my Dad's twin. 

I hate that football season started and that the Broncos are undefeated...if nothing else SURELY that would wake him up...or my little brothers birthdays, or my little sisters wedding, or his long lost son that he hasn't seen in 17 years who found him and went to see him. One of those things I was sure would wake him by now, I mean he's "awake" I suppose, his eyes are open but no response, no recognition, nothing. I hate the nothing. I hate the distance, I hate how much I don't talk to him and I hate how much I want to. I hate that I can actually talk about it now with out falling apart, I hate that its becoming a normal thing, like; this is who my Dad is now....I just feel like everyone in my world has been robbed of the chance to truly understand how amazing my Dad is, he is not just some guy, he's the strongest man I have ever known and to whom everyone else is held standard to. 

Of course I am still full of faith and hope that God can do anything but that doesn't mean there wont be moments of real talk with Jesus and a thing I like to call "Honesty Hour" where I get real honest with the Lord about everything I am feeling..It looks very much like a toddler screaming for ice cream in the middle of the frozen food section at a grocery store. 

I don't really want to wait anymore...I don't want to have any more moments pass us by that he has to miss .. I just don't. I don't want to dream that he's awake and has been awake anymore, I don't want to hear the sad solemn sound in my grandparents voice when I talk to them anymore, I just want everything to go back to normal, I want to call my Dad on Sunday afternoon and talk to him even if its about the weather because my father is the most private man ive ever known. I don't care, I just want to hear his voice.  

Those are my thoughts, I feel better getting them out. 

I know its a mess, but I thought id post a picture of my Dad and that Longmire fellow so you can see what I am talking about. 

     

A Little Fall Frankness .....

Well it's October something.. and although you didn't need me to tell you that, I am still unsure of the best way to start a blog. Much like I am with conversations outside of the digital world..awkward and usually mis understood not because I am super cool and have it goin on but because I usually check out of conversations and get distracted because my brain is a big fat ball of crazy. 

So with that opening...how could this October blog be dull...right?

Well as usual I am going to be honest with my faithful readers because only you select few get a front row seat into the privy secrets of my life. 

Tonight was one of those nights that was just an all around failure...I know there are moments on social media that makes peoples lives look glorious and amazing..this will not be one of those posts. Thats for sure. 

Lets just start at around 2 pm when I told my husband that I would go drop off some remaining items from the yard sale we had done the day before. He seemed totally fine with it; the three year old was sleeping, the other two were busy. I decided it would be a good moment to step away and go have some alone time with just me and God. This was very much over due since my entire morning in worship at church was spent with me trying to forgive my children for ruining my somewhat of a clean house and making me super late. ( Sometimes its just hard to get into the spirit) 

After I dropped off all the items I drove a few blocks over to the coffee shop that I knew (from the last time I went) would be open until 4 on a Sunday...well it was closed ...a part of their regular business hours now..( Just goes to show how long its been since I have been) 

I drove around looking for any place except Starbucks to have this amazing encounter with Jesus..     ( All he needed was a hillside, I apparently need coffee, a table, music, and ambiance) 

I never found one, so I gave up and went back home, I retreated to my room thinking surely my children would catch the hint...Mom is off duty. 

Well they didn't because in their world that term "off duty" does not exist. My second grader came in with her Common Core math problems....(Lord Jesus) seriously though....I said that a lot... I began to try and make sense of these stupid letter line questions of cm and meter differences and I helped her with the only way I have ever known how to do subtraction a method which is foreign to my child who's been submerged into this common core mayhem. So that math lesson was frustrating and very very long. Plus half way through I forgot if you turn the 0 into a ten the second 0 goes down to a 9...not up to an 11....that may have taken some of our time....(its been a long time) ...

Anyway lets speed this sad pathetic day along.. I had this grand notion that my beautiful little family of mine would travel to Sisters with my husband to do a test drive with a potential buyer of our car that we are selling..when I went to approach him about this beautiful notion of mine he said that had already asked his two friends to go with him ( Who I really do adore...just not in this moment) ....so that was settled..I would once again stay home with the kids. 

I marched myself back inside where I stole his favorite candy out of his hiding spot, plopped down on my bed and watched Gilmore Girls for an hour. 

At 5:30 my daughter mentioned that it felt like dinner time....it occurred to me then that I although pouting and acting like a 14 year old did not change the three human beings that counted on me for survival. So I did what any good, caring, and considerate mother would do...I taught my nine year old how to make macaroni and cheese. Yes I did people....I felt it was time. I pulled out our turkey dogs ( because we like to eat clean .. you know) and got that dinner out. 

The evening came to a close and after my children were in bed and I went into the bathroom to clean a few things up where, I happened to notice the lid to my brand new foot scrub (that cost me nearly $20 dollars) on the floor...I thought to myself.."hmmm that weird wonder why its outside the shower on the floor" why that thought even entered my brain I have no clue...as a mother with experience it should have immediately been ..."Game Over with this new crap..one of the kids ruined it"

It was exactly that...I looked in the shower where I found it rolled all the way to the top and then mashed into the tub....all twenty beautiful dollars worth of brand new product. 

My husband saw my reaction...which wasn't pretty and his response nearly caused a divorce. He said "Why did you leave it in the shower?" Instead of responding like an adult and saying "because that's where I use it" I regressed back into 14 year old mode and said a few choice words and then did a few choice things as he dug his hole a little deeper. 

Lets just say it ended with his side of the bed getting drenched with water....I am not the most mature person in arguments...its almost as though I never actually emotionally advanced past 14 and I am just stuck there. 

So he went to bed on top of all the other blankets ( that still makes me laugh so I most likely need to have a Jesus talk) and I just keep thinking about what the Pastor preached on this morning in church about these things in our lives that can come in and devour things from us...I cant help but feel like my children are it.....they are devouring every clean spot, every new thing, every peaceful moment, and every piece of gum ( no joke EVERY SINGLE PIECE) .... 

I know at this point your probably super concerned about my children and their safety.... or possibly my husbands... no need to worry...no matter how many new things my kids break of mine, I still love those little people. God did that on purpose..you see he makes us love them so much that no matter how many crazy, mean, horrible, things they do we will just keep loving them and chalk it all up to hilarious stories for when they are older...that and the fact that I have daughters....theres a good chance they will be mothers some day... and I will repay some of their kindness back at that time. That thought keeps me warm at night and fully sane. 

Well I hope you had fun peering into my secret life.....and pray for me....just in general always pray for me there's always bound to be something challenging my walk with Jesus and its usually my seven year old...so pray hard. 

Can I Actually Fail At Being An Adult??

Tonight I am feeling the urge to be totally real with you all.... to just get it all out there..so brace yourself.

For starters I am not totally sure why my darling and sweet sister decided to allow herself to be used by the enemy and  have her wedding at the start of comfort food season? 

I know your probably thinking that I have been doing that awesome program with the colorful containers and shake system so why am I worried?.. 

Well I have a bridesmaid dress hanging on the back of my door and using that system works wonders except for when you encounter cold evenings and roaring fires and freshly baked cookies...

2 cookies later I found myself asking what the heck just happened....

Or was it 2 cookies per batch...and possibly three batches....I have such a tricky memory these days..who can be sure? 

After the mystery amount of cookies had been eaten I began to move my body so awkwardly as if I had just swallowed sin and I needed to get it out of me... I jumped and did lunges across the kitchen ...like some magical spell would suddenly immerse

from within the power of my lunges and reverse the last thirty minuets of my life...

( yeah..Jose married a winner) 

Then came the panic squats, which I feel like don't even count if your panicked. 

You guys if this were a one time deal, I wouldn't be so worried...but this stupid cold and beautiful season is full of amazing crock pot recipes and warm fresh bread and meet and greets and somehow chocolate ended up in my cupboard. 

And if that weren't bad enough ...my ability to do life actually gets worse....as if that were possible... I have been so busy that I STILL have not taken my children school clothes shopping. It doesn't help that we have 0 stores here in Redmond and getting all three of my girls to try on clothes successfully and in one place is downright nearly impossible. See, we attempted school clothes shopping when we went to Lincoln City...where in not one, not two, but THREE stores we had a seven year old melting down because she couldn't get the teddy bear AND the clothes... she knows better...so naturally we dropped everything and left and came back with nothing. 

I didn't think my poor choices as a mother would catch up with me but I think people can notice that the only clothes that fit my kids are summer clothes...actually our seven year old received a bunch of hand me downs so we are pretty set with her but my poor nine year old is stuck in summer dresses and capri pants until I buckle down and take that poor girl to Bend. 

I have the worst confession ever to make now.....I ordered 3 flower girl dresses back in July and all the sizes were way off...so after sending them back, I kind of forgot to re order more. So now my sister gets married in roughly ten days and my girls have no flower girl dresses to wear. I keep telling my sister not to worry about it, everything will be fine. 

Actually I tell myself this because my sister hasn't worried once about it, but you guys I am not sure its going to be fine. I refuse to pay $53.75 in shipping to just get it here before her wedding and have I really gotten to the point in life where I can't function as an adult?

As you can see, things could be going better with my life, I might need a life coordinator or an assistant to tell me not to forget to breath and to eat and stuff like that... 

Weddings are no joke people ... don't do weddings in September..because people just want to be able to get fat in September if they want to....just let them embrace pumpkin spice everything and cuddling up next to the fire and not doing squats or burpees...

I suppose I could take some ownership here and remember that I am nearly thirty and I can handle a little self control, moderation, organization, planning...

But if I were capable of any of that I would clearly not be whining about it to the whole world...

Plant. Grow. Change. Repeat

Well, I broke my once a month blog post record...the world didn't end. 

I try to stick to things and make them a habit, but most of the time I fail and life happens and that is the end of that. 

Plus I heard blogs are a dying art...people don't have time to read anymore. If that is true then I think that the guy from reading rainbow is crying somewhere right now under a rainbow. 

So for any of you that STILL read and made time out of your life to give this blog a moment...thank you. 

I have had a really busy few weeks and now school is starting in a few days...which if we are being honest, I am more than ready for. I know that sounds cold and harsh but I love my kids...I love them. Just want to be be sure that point is clear ... but this summer kicked my booty and trying to find childcare more than twice a week was exhausting, so this next week my two older girls will go back to school and my darling three year old will start pre school. I feel like an emojicon would be beneficial

here...one that is raising its arms like its winning at life. 

With school just around the corner I can't help but think of our families unmentionable "change" coming very soon. 

Its this weird thing we never mention because when we do, I get super emotional and turn into a three year old about it. 

I will tell you guys the unmentionable because I feel like I need to gain some power over this stupid sad thing in my life. 

I have this gorgeous tree in my front and back yard...like breathtakingly gorgeous trees, they were the reason I said yes to this house. 

I absolutely love my tree's they are both maple tree's or so I have been told..I have no clue if that is actually true but like any good American..I just took it as truth. ( I just said BURRRRRRNNN really loudly in my head) I love making jokes but that one may have hit a little to close to the chest. But I say it because its mostly true. Anyways...awkwardly moving on...

The unmentionable thing that happens is fall.... 

Every single fall my tree's turn a gorgeous orange and then every leaf falls and its bare boned for the next seven months. 

It breaks my heart every year and trying to stop it, is as futile as trying to stop the tide. This I am aware of which is why it remains unmentionable in our home. 

Well, this morning Jose and I sat down in a quiet house, no children were awake yet it was cold in our house, so I gripped my coffee really tight as we talked about the upcoming events that faced us that day. As we talked, I just stared out the window at that beautiful tree, I stared at how green and full of life those leaves were and then the unmentionable hit me and honestly became

a lump in my throat. I hate the idea of things changing, of the sweet summer air ending and the warm sunlight flooding my yard slowly leaving. I hate that my beautiful tree is going to be ugly in a few weeks. 
All I could think was " Its not your fault, you beautiful tree, your just doing what you were created to do, its a new season."
As silly as that thought was, it profoundly impacted me. 
I heard the Lord say to me instantly " No, its not the tree's fault, and its not yours either." 
See this last week has really been a rough one, it was full of moments of weakness and faults and flesh. A lot of self talk that wasn't exactly pleasant...alot of "why are you going through this again Ashley?!" 
I have really struggled to get past the "again" thing...I feel like there are some things we should be able to grow past and get through, so when I see something vaguely familiar from an old season, I tend to freak out. 
During this melt down of mine a friend texted me this " Set your feet on the solid truth that you already know and give yourself grace to be planted and watered" 
that text at the time was nice to read but suddenly in this moment with the tree it came back to my mind and I could feel the Lord ministering something with it. 
It's not the tree's fault that it changes and shifts from one glorious, beautiful, and successful season into another, into one that is bleak and hidden and suppressed. 
We will have seasons that shift and change, and we will have seasons that are not glorious or beautiful, we will have seasons of being hidden and even of being bleak. The tree fulfilled its season and finished it well, in a few weeks it will change into a very short season of beauty unlike its had all year and then it will end and all the beauty that once was will be hard to see, invisible to the naked eye. Inside the tree the beauty continues, its kept safe from the harsh environment that is coming, its allowed to re germinate to reproduce for a new season this spring. 
I think we all have this tree inside of us, these seasons inside, this place of obvious growth, obvious splendor and beauty and the fear of the hidden..fear of the winter. 

We had another tree that was planted in the wrong location in our back yard, it was still very small so we transplanted it to the front yard, right in the front...I have no idea why my husband chose this location or why he chose to move it from the back yard. When he moved it, I thought to myself .."thats an ugly tree..I don't think it will survive the transplant, and I don't know it will be worth the wait for it to grow." 
I was super rude about that tree..I had no faith in it what so ever..

This summer after one year of it being transplanted, we realized it wasn't going trough any seasons except withering..and more withering until it was finally obvious that the tree was dead and it couldn't handle the move from the back to the front. This is a hard one for me, but I am going to level with you. 
Some of us can't handle the uprooting of our current root system and to be transplanted into more visible soil. 
Even though the soil was more visible and the tree was now seen, it could't withstand the move and it wasn't ready to be uprooted. Sometimes in my life, I think I am ready for an uprooting and transplant into a place that is not only more visible but is more frequently seen and used. I have had that opportunity when I was much younger but like this tree, my root system wasn't mature enough to handle to transfer. 
Like my friend said we need to set our feet on solid ground, I think solid can be ground that we have settled on, made up our minds to be on, and we need to give our selves the grace to be planted and watered where the Lord knows we will grow the best. Then we need to allow our seasons to happen and not hate ourselves for them, because they aren't our fault...its apart of being planted and watered. "Seasons happen" 
Your still awesome 
High five emoji con here. ... I really wish this uber cool lab top that I am on new how to insert cool things like that... but even if it did have it, I probably wouldn't know how to use it..if we are being honest. 

I hope this encouraged you... It encouraged me. 


Plant. Grow. Change. Repeat 

Since You've Been Gone.....

Well friends it has been two weeks since my little's have been at Grandma and Grandpa's.
That's right....TWO WHOLE WEEKS.....Some of you may be wondering what that would be like, especially if it has been a while since your kiddos were born and haven't recently experienced freedom like this. I never have!! Jose and I married after I already had the two older girls, so we have never done regular every day life together with out kids.

 Here is what I have found after two weeks away from them.

 1. It is freakishly quiet ...all the time.

2. My house seems to have no reason to stay clean anymore and since there is no tiny person messing it up like it's their job, I sure as heck don't try to fix what isn't broken. 

3. I like my dogs more, I am not sure why but with the kids gone they seem much more fun to be around.

4. My floors need to be mopped but I don't care...its a weird feeling not needing to keep a clean floor for small humans who tend to find reasons and weird opportunities to eat off of it. 
5. I take more selfies... There is suddenly a fascination with letting the world know that I exist and that my whole world for a brief moment of time does not revolve around my children.
 6. I cook less.......MUCH MUCH less
7. We go on dates more, but after like date number three we ran out of places to go and things to do

8. We turn the TV up really loud....just because we can

9. I didn't clean the bathroom for two weeks.....I just admitted that...yep... but out of rebellion, I was for once not responsible for keeping every surface germ free...plus Jose and I are pretty clean people.

10. I start fad diets....like the cool kids

11. I am still a home body...I prefer to be home rather that anywhere else in the big scary world

12. Jose and I had no reason to not argue...so we argued more over the DUMBEST things ever ..like elementary school level dumb but it also made us laugh more because we are immature.
13. I found out I LOVE flirting with my husband 

14. I think more....I have more time to reflect, which isn't always a good thing... some things I don't really want time to think about. 
15. I  drink coffee much less

16. I didn't actually do any of those things I always said I would do if I had time to myself

17. I didn't read any of those books I said I would

18. I didn't get up at the break of dawn and catch the sunrise like I said that I would

19. I didn't stay up late just to watch the stars like I said I would.
20. I don't go shopping...like at all..we ran out of everything...including deodorant..that's when things got ugly. 
21. We don't use enough dish's to start the dishwasher but we always run out of spoons...its the most frustrating thing ever. 

22. The remotes still get lost 

23. I still forget to call and make appointments 

24. I somehow found time to watch cat videos on you tube...several different times. 

25. I didn't read the bible as much as I said I always would if I was alone.

26. We left things on..like fans, the tv, a light....weird stuff we never leave on. 

27. I left things out...like perishable gonna go bad things....This is something I never do..

28. I NEVER did those projects that I said I would do, my laundry room really felt it too.

29. I didn't spring clean the house like I said that I would.

30. I don't feel all refreshed like i just had two weeks away from kids... 

More than anything else I just lived life, like I do every day but I lived it like I was split in half because as wonderful as a break from my beautiful children is, nothing on this planet could ever fill their space in my heart, no thing could ever bring me more joy or fulfillment than being their mom. They bring life to every single place in our lives, and we can't wait to have them home. So dear Mom who just wants that break, trust me once you get it you will be begging to have your kids back. You can't turn off your Mom side as hard as you might try, you will always be thinking of those little smiles and laughs and fingers; longing to have them around you once more. 

Worthy of Attention

"Busyness is most appealing to those who need to feel significant."- Bill Johnson

There I was scrolling through face book for what was probably the 50th time that hour day. After a long weekend away from all of our friends and church family, I felt distant and honestly totally out of the loop. Every new post that I saw just agitated and irritated me more ...I couldn't quite put my finger on the feeling that was going inside of me but it wasn't good. 

I was locked away in my bedroom watching a tv show with NO interruptions in probably the first time in a few years, our kids are at the grandparents, there is no one or thing to pull at or take away my attention..... except for all those people's comments, and lives, and photos, and conversations, and inside jokes, and prayers, and encouraging posts... ...and...the freaking list goes on and on. By the sound of what I just wrote you would think that this issue I have is clearly with face book or the billions of people who post on it. 

Nope

The issue I have is with me

Because you see, one of those billions of quotes that I came across during my "few" times of checking face book that day was this quote "Busyness is most appealing to those who need to feel significant."

I have no idea why but I read this and it felt like Bill Johnson just came through my computer screen and slapped me in the face. 

I immediately put the phone down...then a few minuets later I picked it back up...but only to go back to that quote. Why did it have such an affect on me? I am not one of "THOSE" people who just busy's themselves to avoid family, or facing what is really going on in their lives...right ( I said with absolutely no judgment....cough cough) 

I re read the quote a few more times, I could feel Holy Spirit just digging down deep. I hated the truth in this quote.. I hated that it accurately described what I was feeling in that moment....I wasn't feeling significant. SO every free moment I had ( in between commercials dumb hulu ) I was pushing face book and Instagram in front of me. I needed to stay busy because I needed to feel significant. 

This really bugged me the rest of the day, and through my work day today and then tonight as I sat down to check face book that annoying quote popped into my head again. 

Why was I checking face book SO much, I don't actually have the time for it. Have I actually gotten to a place in my life where I carved time out of my day for this electronic world of flattery, facts, and fiction? 

I felt low 

I really did you guys, this was a low moment for me. Like go find some chocolate and change out the contacts for my thick black rimmed glasses kind of low. 

I thought I was doing so well with God and with people and DEFINITELY did NOT need some superficial friendship machine to have its own time slot in my life. 

But the truth can hurt, because it reveals and opens up closed and hidden places. I did NOT like what that quote revealed in me, I needed to feel significant because after a weekend away from my church family who has become like my real family, I felt very insignificant. Its funny because part of the definition of SIGNIFICANT is to be worthy of attention,

Its not to get the attention but to be worthy of it, meaning you do have to be actually be deserving of it, you will have to DO something to be worthy of the attention. I was always so focused on not trying to steal the attention that I never noticed that I was slowly working towards earning it.  

 Tonight I want to be raw and real with you. I think we get a wrong perception of how people really are behind the scenes, the somehow keep it together, have perfect kids, a perfect house, a perfect body, you can get a pretty good idea of how people perceive you when they pray for you out loud. Super humbling but also enlightening and sometimes really really funny. 

I am just a sinner saved by grace and a girl who struggles with finding her significance in this world even though Jesus told me to find it in him. Being hidden and quite isn't an easy thing but I have found it is the BEST thing because when all of our busyness stops he gets the chance to speak, to reveal, to correct and grow things inside of us. 

Goodnight my friends I hope this encourages you and helps you the way it has helped me.

Rainbows, Christians, and Jesus.....

Hello everyone! I just nearly missed posting something in June! It has been a crazy month but I managed to get this out with a few days to spare.

I think this topic is worthy of discussion even though I am sure you have seen your fair share of discussion on this topic, here is one more for you and it may look a little different than you expected...

So this term "LOVE IS LOVE" has been rolling around face book, twitter, Instagram, every single social media outlet that exists. I have seen lots of "Love Wins" I have seen several " God Wins" with all of these very broad statements it has made me ponder a few things....

First , Love wins.. I sincerely hope that love always wins. The only love that I have ever known to truly win is the love that Jesus showed when he denied himself and died on the cross for me; a filthy sinner. The statement that should be said is "Infatuation Wins" because that's exactly what has happened here, again to me I don't see this as a "people" issue I don't see this as civil liberties being broken. I have no problem with people who are attracted to the same sex, its a real thing that real people feel I understand that. Just like people really feel attracted to abusive men or women, drug addiction is a real thing, its all very real. I am not going to say its not love that people are feeling, but to say that love wins and apply it to this circumstance is an inappropriate use of the term "Win." It would imply that there was something lost, and the only thing lost was the definition of love, true love, real love, selfless love, pure love.

Secondly, if love is love and we really mean that then we need to be aware of what will fall under that very large umbrella that was just opened. Love is Love could apply to polygamy, underage marriage, incest marriage, pedophilia, animal marriage....I know you are rolling your eyes right now but we just made the standard literally so low for Love that absolutely anything can now apply.  If you don't believe in what the bible says about denying yourself then what I have to say about how selfish and ungodly that statement is wont make any sense to you, so I will spare you.

Thirdly, God Wins.... This one might hurt some of my Christian friends a little bit, so forgive me please. Why do we have to combat the rainbow colored profile pictures with cross pictures for our profile pictures? If you are not sure what I am referring to just click on face book and scroll through a few news feeds. 

Why do we have to draw this line in the sand that says I am a Christian and I don't agree with this? Likewise, why do you have to have a rainbow on your profile picture to show that you do agree with it? Why does everything have to be an "us or them" " this side or that side?" I honestly thought it quite comical when I started seeing all the profile pics with rainbow colors on them because it feels like they still need to be heard, they still need attention, they still need to be noticed. Then I noticed Christians starting doing it and I face palmed it, come on guys. We have nothing to prove here, Jesus won love on the cross and its our job to display it for all to see in the best way we can, I do believe a part of love is sharing the truth because if we aren't telling people about Jesus then we don't really love them. At the end of the day he is still on the throne, he still rules and reigns and he will come back some day to what ever kind of place this is when he does. 

I have a feeling things were a lot worse in bible times, not that I want things to get worse but I am not afraid of them getting there. We don't need to compete with everyone who needs to display that their side has won because our side, Jesus' side; wins forever not a moment but forever. So I urge you not to draw a line in the sand when there doesn't need to be one drawn. In some instances I think it would be more powerful to just stand, stand and love the best you can. Just because a couple who is gay gets married doesn't mean they don't deserve respect, love, and Jesus. Jesus is the bringer of all truth, truth that sets people free and brings light to the darkness, I see a lot of people getting afraid of the darkness. You know what is in the darkness you know how evil things could get, but Love already won when it died on a tree for you and me. Don't get shaken by this, stand firm and keep loving! This is just the enemy of your soul trying to shake you and move you from loving because love supersedes every law its what binds us together and makes us a threat. Keep your love on as hard as it is, don't get into arguments about this law, set your sights on what is coming and don't be afraid. Jesus has overcome the world! 

PS. Obama ..Hello Kitty Lapel and the LGBT....Even still keep your love on and guard it! This image took me a while to get my love back, just being real with you all. 

Also does anyone else find the irony in the rainbow that is used with the words "PRIDE" splattered everywhere? "As in the days of Noah"..Pride is what led to the destruction of the world in Noah's time and God used the rainbow as a sign of love.  God created the rainbow, Satan can't create that's why he used something God already created and is now twisting it to anger and infuriate Christians. He wants to get a rise out of us, the only rise he will get is the rise of prayers and submission to Christ. Keep loving friends, Jesus Wins! 

Burdens and Blogs

Hello again friends and family!

Welcome to my May post, I used to not even notice how often I was blogging but over the past several months it has boiled down to just one per month, that's it..but that's kind of perfect for me. 

I came home tonight from a training for work which was awesome and amazing and it made me eager to blog about my life. So much is changing and happening with me, but after typing out a good chunk of my blog I realized that by sharing all of that with you I was being very vulnerable with you. Vulnerable to hearing back from you or seeing that you even read it, or worse did you read it but not care about it? These are things that I shouldn't worry about or care about, it seems my care free attitude that I had before this year no longer exists, in fact the very person I was before this year no longer exists mostly because of everything with my Dad but also because everything even beyond that has changed. I have come to a divide in my life where the superficial and fearful pieces of life were forced to fall away,  shedding the old shell of who I was and stepping into the new one. 

Stepping into a new place, a new calling, a new destiny, with a new outlook on life. There is that saying that says "pick up your cross" or everyone has their own cross to bear... 

I feel like this year I have found my cross and I have begun to bear it, truly bear it and with it a new identity has been born in me. 

This year has been a defining one for me, and it continues to be one as the days creep along and they turn into weeks and the weeks turn into months. I see myself thrust into a new place where only Gods grace can keep me, everything else has to fall away because I have no free hands to carry anything else my hands are solely occupied with this cross that I am now not just bearing but embracing. I thought the cross was this burden, this unwanted thing because after all Jesus sure had a hard time carrying it and it was pure torture for him to. 

If you think about that cross that he had to carry, bear, withstand; he was carrying it for the sole purpose of death it was the tool to be used to carry out his death. He was well aware of this as was everyone else, and yet he carried it and died on it. 

I never thought of our own cross that we would have to bear as an instrument to carry out our death on. Obviously I don't mean physically or naturally rather spiritually..supernaturally. It says in Romans 6 " that our old self has been crucified with him so it is no longer a slave to sin."

Jesus demonstrated this so perfectly to take on the sins of the world to finish his purpose his calling, the finished piece of it was to carry this cross and die on it. 

I see my cross that I have finally picked up and chosen to bear as this pregnancy ministry, I know its my cross because it has engulfed me, like a lake to deep and dark to see through. This ministry took me by surprise, it floored me and in every place that I said I was willing I could see the Lord saying then " I will prepare the way" I can see this path laid out for me winding and possibly narrow or full of gravel but none the less full of purpose and destiny just like his path was. I see this cross this thing to bear up is these precious women who 

come in and are in desperate need of a savior who loves them and someone to bear with them the pain and agony they are often in. This is the thing that will outline my life forever, I will bear them in one way or another forever. I have jumped in, head over heels, engulfed in this ministry, this powerful place that meets the Mary's on the dusty ground with tears and oils ready to wipe the saviors feet. I love that the bible is full of moments where Jesus meets desperate women in their desperate situations and bears their burden with them until they understand that he has taken it over entirely. I love that all he ever did was demonstrate love for them in the place they were found, in the exact condition they were in that's what pregnancy resource center is, its a well for people to meet Jesus, its a line in the sand, its a divine visitation, and a place that changes people hearts. I say this all the time but its more than I could ever hope for, but that includes all the hard stuff too. The hard stuff is no joke, its really really hard but its also really really worth it. I think I have a tiny understanding of what Christ was trying to convey to us about the broken and the lost and the hurting, that cross was really really hard to carry ( He did need help at one point) but it was worth everything. I mean heaven went bankrupt over that cross, there is something powerful about knowing what your cross is and choosing to bear it. 

Look at that I found a way to be vulnerable with you all after all. 

Love it when that happens! 

Open Door Jam

Good morning friends!


I planned out this elaborate sentence to welcome you back to my blog after such a long absence because I have been with out a computer and laptop for as long as I can remember. My memory really isn't what it used to be that is for sure! Here I thought it was super long and low and behold it has not even been  a month since I last blogged. ( insert the clearly addicted face of someone who blogs too much)
Regardless, I wanted to write because as you saw earlier, I am clearly addicted.

I thought that I would take a moment to update you all on some happenings in my life, since several of you read in my previous blog that I was applying for a job and I didn't exactly tell you how that went.

 

I got the job!  
I am the new Assistant Director for the Redmond and Bend Pregnancy Resource Center's. Its more than I ever thought it could be, granted its only been two weeks but any organization that is built on clear communication and Jesus can't ever really go bad.
I feel incredibly honored and blessed to have gotten the position and I am already in awe of what God is doing through it.

Also some new things, we are renovating..sort of..we decided to do a random entry way project and when I say we, I of course mean my amazing husband who works ten hours a day and then comes home and busts out these projects. He is simply wonderful and I feel insanely spoiled to be married to him. So right now the project is nearly done...

.

We have some dry wall put up and just a few more things to go. This project is super exciting but it has left my house looking like a major work zone, so everything feels out of sorts. We also sold our couches so we look like squatters sitting in camping chairs with dry wall dust all over the place. ..sigh.... its a lovely look.

We had our cable guy come over and I nearly died of embarrassment, I mean things have really fallen apart.
Anyway moving on, that is something I need to clearly let go.
We also had our nephew move out, which is bittersweet, we loved having him with us for five months but God is good and we prayed that he would have the opportunity to live with his mom again in all the right circumstances and that happened so we can't really be upset but we do miss him.
So Kailey moved into her own room which has been another project of moving and adjusting everyone to new beds and new dressers and moving beds out and dressers out. But we are happy with the way things are now, she feels all grown up and has put these prayer papers all over her walls specifically reminding her to pray for my Dad. That girl just blesses my heart.

Stuff with my Dad has changed as well...he has now moved from the hospital in Denver to a nursing home outside of Montrose. This is a good change but still hard, he wont be getting the same care as he did in the hospital, but he is much closer to family so my step mom and brothers can see him more often now. We are getting the same news about him, still moving a little bit, will open his eyes and move his body but isn't doing it enough to show there is actual meaning behind his movements. They say he is not in a coma which is good but I guess to me he isn't awake so it seems like the same thing. Here is a picture of him that was sent to me just a few days ago.

With all this new stuff that is happening it feels like ten chapters closed at once and we started on a whole new book, so I feel a bit spiritually and emotionally drained which has been a struggle to not get religious about fixing it or pushing for something artificial or band aid like.
I feel like so many doors are closing at once and that I am standing there with my fingers pried around some of these doors just trying to keep them open.
It's hard to explain, but things I had time for before, I feel like now I don't and not by choice but rather submission( which is another blog all in it self).

But because I now work two full days away from home, that is two days my husband has to do dinner and two days he has to get the girls which some of you may be thinking ( big deal he needs to man up) please understand my husband is MORE than willing to do these things but he is our bread winner, he works very hard at his job and if I was working full time it would be different but we are caught in this awkward in between, mostly what affects our family is just my time away from home, so if I have a meeting with the church or a friend or any ministry related thing its just more time out of the house.

So I am feeling this pressure to be a submissive wife and honor that time that I do need to be here but the selfish side of me is screaming that I can balance it all, I can do the work, do the meetings, handle the pick ups and the drop offs and balance the friendships and the ministries and the events and I can still be a mother and a wife and cook dinner....I can do it....but then there is this small teeny tiny voice that I keep hearing that is telling me that a new door has opened in my life and its one that will lead to things I only ever dreamed of and that its what I have been praying for but its time to close some other doors. My heart is aching because I don't want to close any doors, I am not ready to. I always thought that if one door opened then you would automatically be equipped and ready for the other door to shut or the window or what ever it is.

I never knew that there would be this cross roads of wide open doors and that it would be left up to me to decide which ones to close. I have found that this closing of doors is something that is staring me in the face every day, every quiet moment, the Lord is just waiting to discuss it with me but I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to face it, I just want to keep everything open.
Then I hear that voice again that says " Ashley, something has to close"
I know that his timing is perfect and that he gave me this amazing man of God to be my husband, my care taker, my spiritual leader and that I will be blessed if I can heed what he is trying to tell me and just come under that authority in a loving and tender way. And his words echo that ones I know the Lord keeps whispering over me, "something has to close."

So that is me right now in this place that I never thought I would be, I thought my dreams with the Pregnancy Resource Center and speaking would take like five years to get to, never under estimate your goals or your dreams or the timing that God will move in. I think the hardest part of all this NEW stuff in my life is not being able to share any of it with my Dad, so I feel like before any other door can shut he should hear about it or know what is going on in my life, but life just keeps going at a rate that I don't entirely approve of, and I feel like there is all this stuff he needs to know and I want to talk to him about it and hear his opinion, I want to hear what he thinks about my new job and this new project and Jose selling his motor cycle, I want to hear what he thinks about all of it....but he can't and I hate that...so I am stuck grasping at these tail ends of life before they leave me.
I know God knows this and has it in his hands, its just hard...I miss my Dad, more than I could ever efficiently put into words.

So friends, if you think of me and see posts of my life and think I might be over sharing ...I honestly might be but I feel like I have to get this stuff some where...some how I have to keep a marker of it so that when my dad wakes up I can tell him how much life has changed in the time he has been asleep. How much my world has moved around and shifted and how all of it happened with out him and how much that hurt.

I keep trying to end this...but as you have read I am not good at closing doors or ending this LOL

But it feels good to be transparent and real about what is going on in my heart, all I can do is hope you will gain some understanding on the things that look like strength but can be tethered to weakness and the weakness that is slowly making us strong.

Have a blessed day friends

Ashley

A Little Wave Walking....

Well, I think it is time for another place holder blog...time keeper, scrap book, where I will paint a picture with my words so that in a few months I can look back at this mile marker and see how faithful God is kind of blog. 

I find that there are moments in our life that deserve to be remembered, whether they are according to the rest of this world makes no difference to me but after almost twenty eight years ( eeeek) I know what makes me tick and what matters to me. 

There have been a few big moments in my life, huge and the anticipation of getting to those moments usually out weighs the moments themselves and I am left with a quickly passing moment that comes and goes in the blink of an eye. 

My last blog you were able to partake in the journey I went through with my second pregnancy, that was a moment in my life that was worth writing down, and it is from that topic that I will transition with you to my new memorable moment. 

About a year ago I was volunteering in our church's boutique, that sold antique items to help raise money for a non profit childrens community outreach. At the time, I didn't have much time to offer but I wanted to be connected with it, I will never forget that moment when I was about to go listen to the director about pricing clothing when this woman walks in the front door. Michelle ( boutique director) seemed to know this woman very well, they were hugging and laughing as though they were long lost friends...it was then that I felt it. Something I have only felt a few times in my life, this undeniable burning in my stomach that I usually have found means God is about to do something crazy. 

Michelle introduces me to this woman and I find out she is the director of the local pregnancy resource center in Redmond, we begin talking about my life and my slightly bumpy past with my pregnancies and this tiny but very powerful woman begins to cry, she grabs my hand and squeezes it and says " I have no desire to take you away from this place, but I would love it if you came to the Pregnancy Resource Center and checked it out." 

I was so jazzed up from that interaction I couldn't stop talking about it for weeks, Michelle just laughed because she knew God wanted to do something crazy and prophetic with that boutique. 

So I went to the pregnancy resource center and began volunteering as much time as I could, while still keeping my family and church life balanced. 

Ever since I stepped foot into that center I have felt like my heart finally found the place it was designed for. 

I have been trying to explain the joy I find in the tedious few hours I can spare to spend there but words can't describe it, slowly I began working with young moms and then I began teaching these classes once a week building relationships with these amazing women from all different walks of life. 

I have just been in awe of what God does in that place, I have often felt like Peter when he is called from the place that he is comfortable, from the way of living that he is used to and then asked to follow this man into the unknown, into a life that he isn't sure will have an income or what the outcome of it will be and yet he left his nets and followed Jesus. He follows Jesus and stays close with Jesus through every miracle and every prayer, every parable, every miraculous lunch and healing, he is there observing the crazy and insane, the remarkable truth that Jesus really is who he says he is and he is capable of doing absolutely anything. 

Then he has this moment with Jesus, where Jesus is out on the water and the guys aren't totally sure it's him, Peter takes this moment to solidify something that is deep within him. He has been commissioned by Jesus, he has been watching him, ministering with him and here is this moment that from the depths of who he is, he calls out to Jesus and says " If it's you, command me to come to you" Jesus simply says " Come" 

I can picture the excitement in Peter as he is about to embark on the craziest " I dare you" moments of all time. Now the rest of this amazing moment I will save because some things about it are still brewing inside of me but this place where Peter asks Jesus to call him out onto the water is where I find myself with this ministry. 

A few weeks ago an actual paying position opened up with the Pregnancy Resource Center, I honestly whole heart-idly didn't think I would be qualified to even apply, I remember talking one night with my husband about it and making excuse after excuse as to why it wouldn't work and then I said it...those words...I had my " Call me out onto the water" moment and said 

" Well, if God wants me to apply for this job then he will have to get Leslie to approach me and flat out tell me to do it" 

I thought that pretty much sealed the deal and that I wouldn't have to hear about it again. I mean I was happy with my once a week classes and with my girls that met and I had no desire to change anything. 

Then it happened, I went into the Center to make my phone calls, and mind you on Monday's I don't look fancy, I had been cleaning ALL day no make up, sweatshirt, sneakers, crazy hair, but thats the moment the Lord decided to call me out onto the waves. 

Leslie came back to the kitchen area and asked me if I had any desire to apply for that position, I told her no, that I wasn't qualified. She then began to say a bunch of words but all I heard was the Lord gently whispering to me that  I told him what to do and he did it, now it was my turn to walk through the door. So that night I applied and sent in my resume, tomorrow I will attend my second interview. 

The funny thing about this job is that it is the MOST part time that I would have ever worked and probably the least amount of money that I will ever make and yet it feels like the BIGGEST job I will ever apply for. I don't know what God wants to do with this, maybe nothing except to see if I would walk through the door kind of like Peter with his failed attempt at water walking, but he still got out of the boat. 

I am still blown away at God's ability to redeem any situation and make anything and everything beautiful in its time. 

Tomorrow will come and go in the blink of an eye, but what this process meant will stand forever in my heart. Our God is good. 

I dare you to tell God to call you out onto the waves today. You might be surprised by what he does with it. 

Blessings friends

Until next time .......

Ashley