Can I Actually Fail At Being An Adult??

Tonight I am feeling the urge to be totally real with you all.... to just get it all out there..so brace yourself.

For starters I am not totally sure why my darling and sweet sister decided to allow herself to be used by the enemy and  have her wedding at the start of comfort food season? 

I know your probably thinking that I have been doing that awesome program with the colorful containers and shake system so why am I worried?.. 

Well I have a bridesmaid dress hanging on the back of my door and using that system works wonders except for when you encounter cold evenings and roaring fires and freshly baked cookies...

2 cookies later I found myself asking what the heck just happened....

Or was it 2 cookies per batch...and possibly three batches....I have such a tricky memory these days..who can be sure? 

After the mystery amount of cookies had been eaten I began to move my body so awkwardly as if I had just swallowed sin and I needed to get it out of me... I jumped and did lunges across the kitchen ...like some magical spell would suddenly immerse

from within the power of my lunges and reverse the last thirty minuets of my life...

( yeah..Jose married a winner) 

Then came the panic squats, which I feel like don't even count if your panicked. 

You guys if this were a one time deal, I wouldn't be so worried...but this stupid cold and beautiful season is full of amazing crock pot recipes and warm fresh bread and meet and greets and somehow chocolate ended up in my cupboard. 

And if that weren't bad enough ...my ability to do life actually gets worse....as if that were possible... I have been so busy that I STILL have not taken my children school clothes shopping. It doesn't help that we have 0 stores here in Redmond and getting all three of my girls to try on clothes successfully and in one place is downright nearly impossible. See, we attempted school clothes shopping when we went to Lincoln City...where in not one, not two, but THREE stores we had a seven year old melting down because she couldn't get the teddy bear AND the clothes... she knows better...so naturally we dropped everything and left and came back with nothing. 

I didn't think my poor choices as a mother would catch up with me but I think people can notice that the only clothes that fit my kids are summer clothes...actually our seven year old received a bunch of hand me downs so we are pretty set with her but my poor nine year old is stuck in summer dresses and capri pants until I buckle down and take that poor girl to Bend. 

I have the worst confession ever to make now.....I ordered 3 flower girl dresses back in July and all the sizes were way off...so after sending them back, I kind of forgot to re order more. So now my sister gets married in roughly ten days and my girls have no flower girl dresses to wear. I keep telling my sister not to worry about it, everything will be fine. 

Actually I tell myself this because my sister hasn't worried once about it, but you guys I am not sure its going to be fine. I refuse to pay $53.75 in shipping to just get it here before her wedding and have I really gotten to the point in life where I can't function as an adult?

As you can see, things could be going better with my life, I might need a life coordinator or an assistant to tell me not to forget to breath and to eat and stuff like that... 

Weddings are no joke people ... don't do weddings in September..because people just want to be able to get fat in September if they want to....just let them embrace pumpkin spice everything and cuddling up next to the fire and not doing squats or burpees...

I suppose I could take some ownership here and remember that I am nearly thirty and I can handle a little self control, moderation, organization, planning...

But if I were capable of any of that I would clearly not be whining about it to the whole world...

Plant. Grow. Change. Repeat

Well, I broke my once a month blog post record...the world didn't end. 

I try to stick to things and make them a habit, but most of the time I fail and life happens and that is the end of that. 

Plus I heard blogs are a dying art...people don't have time to read anymore. If that is true then I think that the guy from reading rainbow is crying somewhere right now under a rainbow. 

So for any of you that STILL read and made time out of your life to give this blog a moment...thank you. 

I have had a really busy few weeks and now school is starting in a few days...which if we are being honest, I am more than ready for. I know that sounds cold and harsh but I love my kids...I love them. Just want to be be sure that point is clear ... but this summer kicked my booty and trying to find childcare more than twice a week was exhausting, so this next week my two older girls will go back to school and my darling three year old will start pre school. I feel like an emojicon would be beneficial

here...one that is raising its arms like its winning at life. 

With school just around the corner I can't help but think of our families unmentionable "change" coming very soon. 

Its this weird thing we never mention because when we do, I get super emotional and turn into a three year old about it. 

I will tell you guys the unmentionable because I feel like I need to gain some power over this stupid sad thing in my life. 

I have this gorgeous tree in my front and back yard...like breathtakingly gorgeous trees, they were the reason I said yes to this house. 

I absolutely love my tree's they are both maple tree's or so I have been told..I have no clue if that is actually true but like any good American..I just took it as truth. ( I just said BURRRRRRNNN really loudly in my head) I love making jokes but that one may have hit a little to close to the chest. But I say it because its mostly true. Anyways...awkwardly moving on...

The unmentionable thing that happens is fall.... 

Every single fall my tree's turn a gorgeous orange and then every leaf falls and its bare boned for the next seven months. 

It breaks my heart every year and trying to stop it, is as futile as trying to stop the tide. This I am aware of which is why it remains unmentionable in our home. 

Well, this morning Jose and I sat down in a quiet house, no children were awake yet it was cold in our house, so I gripped my coffee really tight as we talked about the upcoming events that faced us that day. As we talked, I just stared out the window at that beautiful tree, I stared at how green and full of life those leaves were and then the unmentionable hit me and honestly became

a lump in my throat. I hate the idea of things changing, of the sweet summer air ending and the warm sunlight flooding my yard slowly leaving. I hate that my beautiful tree is going to be ugly in a few weeks. 
All I could think was " Its not your fault, you beautiful tree, your just doing what you were created to do, its a new season."
As silly as that thought was, it profoundly impacted me. 
I heard the Lord say to me instantly " No, its not the tree's fault, and its not yours either." 
See this last week has really been a rough one, it was full of moments of weakness and faults and flesh. A lot of self talk that wasn't exactly pleasant...alot of "why are you going through this again Ashley?!" 
I have really struggled to get past the "again" thing...I feel like there are some things we should be able to grow past and get through, so when I see something vaguely familiar from an old season, I tend to freak out. 
During this melt down of mine a friend texted me this " Set your feet on the solid truth that you already know and give yourself grace to be planted and watered" 
that text at the time was nice to read but suddenly in this moment with the tree it came back to my mind and I could feel the Lord ministering something with it. 
It's not the tree's fault that it changes and shifts from one glorious, beautiful, and successful season into another, into one that is bleak and hidden and suppressed. 
We will have seasons that shift and change, and we will have seasons that are not glorious or beautiful, we will have seasons of being hidden and even of being bleak. The tree fulfilled its season and finished it well, in a few weeks it will change into a very short season of beauty unlike its had all year and then it will end and all the beauty that once was will be hard to see, invisible to the naked eye. Inside the tree the beauty continues, its kept safe from the harsh environment that is coming, its allowed to re germinate to reproduce for a new season this spring. 
I think we all have this tree inside of us, these seasons inside, this place of obvious growth, obvious splendor and beauty and the fear of the hidden..fear of the winter. 

We had another tree that was planted in the wrong location in our back yard, it was still very small so we transplanted it to the front yard, right in the front...I have no idea why my husband chose this location or why he chose to move it from the back yard. When he moved it, I thought to myself .."thats an ugly tree..I don't think it will survive the transplant, and I don't know it will be worth the wait for it to grow." 
I was super rude about that tree..I had no faith in it what so ever..

This summer after one year of it being transplanted, we realized it wasn't going trough any seasons except withering..and more withering until it was finally obvious that the tree was dead and it couldn't handle the move from the back to the front. This is a hard one for me, but I am going to level with you. 
Some of us can't handle the uprooting of our current root system and to be transplanted into more visible soil. 
Even though the soil was more visible and the tree was now seen, it could't withstand the move and it wasn't ready to be uprooted. Sometimes in my life, I think I am ready for an uprooting and transplant into a place that is not only more visible but is more frequently seen and used. I have had that opportunity when I was much younger but like this tree, my root system wasn't mature enough to handle to transfer. 
Like my friend said we need to set our feet on solid ground, I think solid can be ground that we have settled on, made up our minds to be on, and we need to give our selves the grace to be planted and watered where the Lord knows we will grow the best. Then we need to allow our seasons to happen and not hate ourselves for them, because they aren't our fault...its apart of being planted and watered. "Seasons happen" 
Your still awesome 
High five emoji con here. ... I really wish this uber cool lab top that I am on new how to insert cool things like that... but even if it did have it, I probably wouldn't know how to use it..if we are being honest. 

I hope this encouraged you... It encouraged me. 


Plant. Grow. Change. Repeat