Since You've Been Gone.....

Well friends it has been two weeks since my little's have been at Grandma and Grandpa's.
That's right....TWO WHOLE WEEKS.....Some of you may be wondering what that would be like, especially if it has been a while since your kiddos were born and haven't recently experienced freedom like this. I never have!! Jose and I married after I already had the two older girls, so we have never done regular every day life together with out kids.

 Here is what I have found after two weeks away from them.

 1. It is freakishly quiet ...all the time.

2. My house seems to have no reason to stay clean anymore and since there is no tiny person messing it up like it's their job, I sure as heck don't try to fix what isn't broken. 

3. I like my dogs more, I am not sure why but with the kids gone they seem much more fun to be around.

4. My floors need to be mopped but I don't care...its a weird feeling not needing to keep a clean floor for small humans who tend to find reasons and weird opportunities to eat off of it. 
5. I take more selfies... There is suddenly a fascination with letting the world know that I exist and that my whole world for a brief moment of time does not revolve around my children.
 6. I cook less.......MUCH MUCH less
7. We go on dates more, but after like date number three we ran out of places to go and things to do

8. We turn the TV up really loud....just because we can

9. I didn't clean the bathroom for two weeks.....I just admitted that...yep... but out of rebellion, I was for once not responsible for keeping every surface germ free...plus Jose and I are pretty clean people.

10. I start fad diets....like the cool kids

11. I am still a home body...I prefer to be home rather that anywhere else in the big scary world

12. Jose and I had no reason to not argue...so we argued more over the DUMBEST things ever ..like elementary school level dumb but it also made us laugh more because we are immature.
13. I found out I LOVE flirting with my husband 

14. I think more....I have more time to reflect, which isn't always a good thing... some things I don't really want time to think about. 
15. I  drink coffee much less

16. I didn't actually do any of those things I always said I would do if I had time to myself

17. I didn't read any of those books I said I would

18. I didn't get up at the break of dawn and catch the sunrise like I said that I would

19. I didn't stay up late just to watch the stars like I said I would.
20. I don't go shopping...like at all..we ran out of everything...including deodorant..that's when things got ugly. 
21. We don't use enough dish's to start the dishwasher but we always run out of spoons...its the most frustrating thing ever. 

22. The remotes still get lost 

23. I still forget to call and make appointments 

24. I somehow found time to watch cat videos on you tube...several different times. 

25. I didn't read the bible as much as I said I always would if I was alone.

26. We left things on..like fans, the tv, a light....weird stuff we never leave on. 

27. I left things out...like perishable gonna go bad things....This is something I never do..

28. I NEVER did those projects that I said I would do, my laundry room really felt it too.

29. I didn't spring clean the house like I said that I would.

30. I don't feel all refreshed like i just had two weeks away from kids... 

More than anything else I just lived life, like I do every day but I lived it like I was split in half because as wonderful as a break from my beautiful children is, nothing on this planet could ever fill their space in my heart, no thing could ever bring me more joy or fulfillment than being their mom. They bring life to every single place in our lives, and we can't wait to have them home. So dear Mom who just wants that break, trust me once you get it you will be begging to have your kids back. You can't turn off your Mom side as hard as you might try, you will always be thinking of those little smiles and laughs and fingers; longing to have them around you once more. 

Worthy of Attention

"Busyness is most appealing to those who need to feel significant."- Bill Johnson

There I was scrolling through face book for what was probably the 50th time that hour day. After a long weekend away from all of our friends and church family, I felt distant and honestly totally out of the loop. Every new post that I saw just agitated and irritated me more ...I couldn't quite put my finger on the feeling that was going inside of me but it wasn't good. 

I was locked away in my bedroom watching a tv show with NO interruptions in probably the first time in a few years, our kids are at the grandparents, there is no one or thing to pull at or take away my attention..... except for all those people's comments, and lives, and photos, and conversations, and inside jokes, and prayers, and encouraging posts... ...and...the freaking list goes on and on. By the sound of what I just wrote you would think that this issue I have is clearly with face book or the billions of people who post on it. 

Nope

The issue I have is with me

Because you see, one of those billions of quotes that I came across during my "few" times of checking face book that day was this quote "Busyness is most appealing to those who need to feel significant."

I have no idea why but I read this and it felt like Bill Johnson just came through my computer screen and slapped me in the face. 

I immediately put the phone down...then a few minuets later I picked it back up...but only to go back to that quote. Why did it have such an affect on me? I am not one of "THOSE" people who just busy's themselves to avoid family, or facing what is really going on in their lives...right ( I said with absolutely no judgment....cough cough) 

I re read the quote a few more times, I could feel Holy Spirit just digging down deep. I hated the truth in this quote.. I hated that it accurately described what I was feeling in that moment....I wasn't feeling significant. SO every free moment I had ( in between commercials dumb hulu ) I was pushing face book and Instagram in front of me. I needed to stay busy because I needed to feel significant. 

This really bugged me the rest of the day, and through my work day today and then tonight as I sat down to check face book that annoying quote popped into my head again. 

Why was I checking face book SO much, I don't actually have the time for it. Have I actually gotten to a place in my life where I carved time out of my day for this electronic world of flattery, facts, and fiction? 

I felt low 

I really did you guys, this was a low moment for me. Like go find some chocolate and change out the contacts for my thick black rimmed glasses kind of low. 

I thought I was doing so well with God and with people and DEFINITELY did NOT need some superficial friendship machine to have its own time slot in my life. 

But the truth can hurt, because it reveals and opens up closed and hidden places. I did NOT like what that quote revealed in me, I needed to feel significant because after a weekend away from my church family who has become like my real family, I felt very insignificant. Its funny because part of the definition of SIGNIFICANT is to be worthy of attention,

Its not to get the attention but to be worthy of it, meaning you do have to be actually be deserving of it, you will have to DO something to be worthy of the attention. I was always so focused on not trying to steal the attention that I never noticed that I was slowly working towards earning it.  

 Tonight I want to be raw and real with you. I think we get a wrong perception of how people really are behind the scenes, the somehow keep it together, have perfect kids, a perfect house, a perfect body, you can get a pretty good idea of how people perceive you when they pray for you out loud. Super humbling but also enlightening and sometimes really really funny. 

I am just a sinner saved by grace and a girl who struggles with finding her significance in this world even though Jesus told me to find it in him. Being hidden and quite isn't an easy thing but I have found it is the BEST thing because when all of our busyness stops he gets the chance to speak, to reveal, to correct and grow things inside of us. 

Goodnight my friends I hope this encourages you and helps you the way it has helped me.