Life is a crazy thing....
I have been thinking lately about life and just how crazy it can be.
I try to stay away from political topics, after Obama's re election there were some friendships severed and relationships damaged...it was then that I realized, I am about one netflix original series away from being documented as a crazy right winged fanatic...except with out the racism and bombs.
Anyway...politics are not my cup of tea, I don't know nearly enough facts to debate with people and I am far too passionate to keep my cool.
Which, is why I have stayed fairly silent about the most appalling political matter in my opinion ( which again remember I am nearly crazy) which is abortion.
Whoa did I just lose a few readers?
I certainly hope not, because if you looked into my heart and you saw what was there then you would understand why it's appalling to me and why I am so against it.
I haven't shared this story with many people in my life time..but as life would have it, it has been surfacing a lot.
When I was nineteen, I was a single mom with a young toddler who was barely two, I worked full time and was desperately trying to keep my life together.
I was still trying to do major damage control over the fact that I was a single mother, not married, not even with the father of my child. It did not help matters that I had an out of wedlock child which went against my own personal beliefs and what I wanted out of life. I don't think people are bad if they have babies out of wedlock, but I personally wanted to be married when I had my kids, I wanted to wait to have sex until I was married. I wanted all these things, but when the time came I gave up what I wanted for temporary happiness.
So here I am nineteen, slowly re building my reputation and I make a poor judgment call with my daughters dad, allow him a second chance into our lives, that was a very bad call for many reasons ( which are to ugly to get into), we will just say it was one that nearly cost us our lives.
A few weeks later, sure enough I was pregnant.
Again
Unmarried again
I remember feeling cornered, scared, and out of options.
There was no way I could have two babies, no child support, a full time job and make it.
It just couldn't happen, and what was worse, was I was actually terrified what people would think of me in church.
There were several people who stood like oak tree's in my life that never wavered in their support no matter how ugly my situation got, for those people I was so thankful. They reminded me that what happened to me was not my identity and that God could redeem any situation.
It was the rest of the Christians I had a hard time with...they were the ones I couldn't face for the second time telling them that it had happened again.
So I entertained a thought, one that I thought I would never ever think in my whole life.
I opened a phone book and began to search for planned parent hood.
Yep...the dreaded PP.....The fear took over, I couldn't even make rational words come out of my mouth much less decisions.
I couldn't find it...I didn't even know what I was looking for, so I called my mom instead.
My mother had walked this road before, she knew I was on it before I even said anything.
Within twenty minuets I had an apartment full of family, there sitting in silence...they couldn't believe it...I couldn't believe it..but my mother being the pillar of justice that she is, spoke into my situation and declared and demanded life.
I was angry that she knew, I wanted to go in secret and quietly get rid of my shame. So that no one would ever have to give me that look again...I couldn't handle that look again.
Now that my mother knew, I could never get away with it. She had this uncanny way of knowing things even if she wasn't told, but she knew that there was no getting rid of the shame and that making that choice to quietly get rid of a child would haunt me for the rest of my life and do more damage to my heart and soul then facing the situation would.
She grabbed my hands, looked into my eyes, and very sternly said " you are going to be a mom again, you can do this, you are going to do this."
In that moment, I felt like a huge breath had just been squeezed into my airless lungs, I began to think that I could do this, and the could eventually turned into would.
I still hid my pregnancy from my fellow church goers for about five months, I stood in the back of the church during worship and utilized a very large wall in the back of our church as cover when I needed to travel from one end of the building to the other.
I waited until my six month to go in for my first OB appointment...I am not joking.
I had hoped that some how God would take this child from me, since I had decided to honor him by not aborting it.
That is how sad and sick my mind had gotten...I understand some of you may be disgusted with me, especially if you lost a very wanted child.
I hated myself for a long time for thinking these thoughts.
I had to wrestle with them and sort out the pain and hurt that was behind them, and eventually forgive myself...
I can't tell you the feeling I had when that tiny baby was finally laid in my arms, it was like every wall of fear in my heart came tumbling down, she was worth every tear, every moment of uncertainty, every moment of running and getting free from her abusive father.
Every single moment of ugly, hard moments...she was worth it. It was like I could physically feel my heart grow bigger when they placed her in my arms..
Reflecting back on this experience isn't exactly easy, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my daughter Kaitlin will do great things one day, not that my two other daughters wont as well. There is something different about Kaitlin, she is a fighter, a leader, she is fierce. She will take this world by storm one day and for the world's sake I hope it is ready. I can't help but think of the other Kaitlin's in this world, and I can't help but think of the ones who will not make into the world. I know this is a double edged sword but I can't help but think of the Kaitlins that we are depriving the next generation of, what if the cure for cancer has already been aborted not out of selfishness like most ignorant people like to think but out of fear.
I don't see abortion as a mean spirited thing that someone does just to be cruel, if that is your take on it then check yourself. My heart is after the women who have had to make the painful, heart wrenching decision to either bring in another child or quietly and discreetly let it go.. when these women make that decision to let it go they are actively choosing to let apart of them die with the child..this isn't an opinion it is a medical fact, and physiological fact..
These facts I didn't even bother to look into before searching out the yellow pages for planned parent hood in pure ignorance ..if I had been successful in finding that location of an abortion facility in my city I am positive none of them would have told me the physical and emotional pain that I would be entering into if I had gone through with it.
I have found a place that does discuss that with people, and that is where I have found myself thriving..The Pregnancy Resource Center..a beacon of light in a dark storm. I wish so badly that I had known about this place for my first two pregnancies, to have people support you and surround you with hope while you decide if you want to pursue life or not is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced.
Do I want every woman to chose life, of course I do..I want to see what amazing gifts and talents await us in this new generation...but do I absolutely unquestionably love the woman who decides she can't do it? Yes
Because I was that woman and in some places of my heart, I still am.
That woman needs love, and acceptance, and a second chance.
Lastly, to the church members who openly declined my baby shower because you thought it would send the wrong message of supporting the sin...I forgive you, I actually did a long time ago but you should know that the only message it sent to me was that God's love couldn't reach that far into my life, that he couldn't love me past my sin, that I didn't deserve to be in church, and that I didn't deserve support. I understand where your heart probably was and I can see that, like I said I forgive it, but if anyone is reading this and see's that same heart in themselves I am simply offering a small testimony of what that kind of "statement" really makes.
