It has been well over a month since I have published any of my thoughts in blog form.
For some reason sitting down and putting my thoughts together in this format ( you know where you can see them) has just been so daunting.
Yet here I am finally at the end of July putting my thoughts down....the end of July....oh my gosh. It feels like just yesterday that I was flipping my calendar page over to July and slowly filling in all my appointments.
Well that is probably the biggest reason for my absence in blogger land, time has become a mortal enemy to me and well we haven't quite made up yet.
I literally feel like I am living in that movie "Click" not in the sense that I'm trying to fast forward my life or that I have any one creepy enough to compare to Christoper Walken in my life. More like my kids are growing at a crazy rapid rate right before my eyes and I am really not sure if GMO's are to blame or animal crackers ( I feed an obscene amount of animal crackers to my kids). It seems like every day they wake up they change some how and learn new words and new things about this world. So in attempts to keep my sanity, I try to ignore it and that never works so that brings us back to the battle with time...which just means I'm mad at it and try to avoid anything that time stamps moments of my life.
Back to the purpose of this blog...(if your a regular reader you know there is no purpose but please don't tell anyone else) I decided to confront why it was so difficult to put my thoughts in a place where I could see them.
I think...not sure but think that its because I am in a process.
I actually kind of hate that phrase it has become totally cliche in my life, but it doesn't make it any less true. I like to see finished products, which is probably why I give up so quickly on weight loss goals. I feel like if I sweat out of every single place on my body and make every muscle hurt then surely by the next morning I should have results.
Anyway, so there it is I am in this gooey, yucky, sticky, human process. Thankfully not too many people have been subjected to the "process" but for those who have, they have had their hands full. I am ok that I am in a process, but it doesn't change how it feels to see your process on paper or in this case on a screen. When your process is just put out there white screen, black letters just making everything seem so final and insignificant. One of my biggest issues in any "process" season is assuming that I am the only one that is in it. I am the only one being human, and messy, and gross while I work out my salvation. I begin to picture everyone else's process's taking place on a beach with the picture perfect moments. Sunsets, cool sandals, manicured feet, cozy sweaters, perfect wind blown hair. Sure someone is having a bad day but based off of their instagram feed it looks pretty awesome and trendy, I know Id sure like my "process" to look like theirs.
Its a huge injustice to our creator that we have stopped being creative in our thoughts and behavior, I say this because I know I am NOT the only one who struggles with this " grass is greener over there" mentality. For example right now I could picture other moms who finally get some alone time ( which means the kids are in bed) I could imagine that they are in a perfectly lit, clean, glowing house with candles lit and wearing cute and cozy sweatery type clothing just pouring into a book, with something gluten and calorie free at their finger tips to munch on. When my reality of alone time is my two year old waking up an hour after she fell asleep followed by my eight year old... So now my oh so joyous alone time is not only being spent with two intruders but also in a "tidy" house which if you catch my drift you know that means nothing is really clean, no its just moved strategically out of eyesight. My clothing has dinner crusted onto it, the lighting in my house is sad and dim, and I found out there is still a mouse in my house and frog in my backyard that has become a new member of the family. So my attempts at being cutesy and cool have failed as they normally do but I realize that my process is just that...mine.
Mine alone with my family and Jesus, he is fully aware of my crusty dinner clothes and my "tidy" house, another struggles is accepting that my "ok" not so perfect non trendy life is ok, its me. Its ME. For God the one who fashioned me, molded me in my mothers womb, knew me before the creation of all the universe, called me into this life and set me apart, ME is exactly what he is looking for. Because ME is not void of his creation, I myself may not be creative (AT ALL) but that doesn't mean that I am not dripping with creativity, I try to imagine what I look like spiritually what those Angels that I am entertaining see that I don't. Those are my thoughts this fine evening, I hope to encourage any of you other amazing people in the universal "process" oven. Stay strong, stay focused, stay humble.
~Love Ashley
