Spring Break May Break Us

The last few years the term "Spring Break" didn't really mean much to me. My girls were home school'ed and my desire to have them done with school as soon as humanly possible meant that we didn't really take breaks. However, this year it totally meant exactly what it said "BREAK" I could feel a sigh of relief coming over me as I began to hatch my master plan to get "away" and have a break.

For you amazing mothers in the work force I realize that the sound of a stay at home mom saying "get away from it all" sounds incredibly pathetic. Remember though I was also a hard working mother for many years in that same work force and I will tell you that I have never felt like I needed a break more than I do now as a stay at home mom.

For any mother with more than one child ...well for any mother period you know that the thing that can exhaust you more than anything else is the never tiring questions that need answers and stories that need response's, arguments that need settling, and dreams that need remembering. The never ending house work would be nice to take a break from too. So there I was planning a glorious week vacation with my three girls in tow to go see my parents. They live six hours away which is exactly how far they used to live in Washington, I used to make those trips when the girls were basically babies so this trip was going to be cake.

First of all anyone who thinks they can travel across a barren waste land like Idaho with absolutely no cell service the ENTIRE WAY and not have any issues is crazy. I got about thirty minuets into my trip before my youngest started screaming, the screaming ranged from annoyed to hurt then back to annoyed then in the second hour it went to fed up which is done in a much higher octave. Finally with the sign telling me that a play place was only twenty seven miles within reach I turned off cruise control and floored it, there was practically no one on the roads so the likely hood of me being caught in the next twenty seven miles would be slim to none.

(Insert dumbest idea ever right here)

Yep right over that next hill was a state trooper just waiting for some person about ready to hit their breaking point, and ready to floor it.

So here we were in what was the second time I had been pulled over on an all mommy daughter road trip. When my girls asked why I was pulling over, I simply told them that "mommy was going to fast and the cop had to talk to mommy" My now six year old responded with " well he should just hear Naomi scream and he would want to drive fast too" as true as that was I wasn't sure if that would make a difference. I explained that to my daughter and she simply requested to talk to the police man to explain what was going on....(um yes I do realize what I have to look forward too.)

The police man was extremely nice and totally understood and gave me a warning ..even after Kaitlin rolled down her window to "share" her side of the story with him.

We finally made it for a fun filled week at grandma and papa's house as happy as I was, I didn't realize that I was in for an emotionally charged week. I kept thinking about how nice it would be to get away that I didn't stop to think that I was taking on a full load of children with only half of me. Because I stay at home I think I have everything under control all the time..I mean I have to but I never really notice how much my other half contributes to my sanity. Don't get me wrong grandma and papa and even my sister did a TON to help me but they are mostly there to spoil and allow special permissions that moms and dads always have to sort out later. It's their biological right as grandparents and as an aunt to not have to deal with any of the real stuff from the kids, I didn't realize how rusty I was at being alone. The Spring "break" wasn't really as much of a break as I would have hoped it would be. There seemed to be this one thing I kept wanting to do so badly but never seemed to get to.See in my parents house they have a gorgeous dining room with french doors facing the back of their house and every single morning the room is filled with the most gorgeous sunrise, so every morning I got excited about sitting on their over sized fluffy couch with their adorable coffee table and reading my bible. Every day I looked over at that spot as I made breakfast and then as I cleaned up breakfast and then as I had to get the girls dressed, before I knew it every single day I had missed the "moment."  Oh well, I missed a moment I figured I would make it up in the evening once my kids finally went to bed...wrongo...my youngest decided that as soon as all the kids were sound asleep she would wake up just to rob me of the last few moments of the day that I would have to myself. This basically happened every single day since I arrived, so by day four I had a mini emotional break down. The fact that I had this break down in front of my mom was actually kind of perfect because she is the best.

It was then that I realized that this spring break may actually break me. I was exhausted and dealing with some very serious little girl attitudes inspired by birthday special ness and being spoiled at grandma's and all these emotions I usually filter through Jose. It definitely put my "I am mom hear me roar" attitude in check, I needed my partner, my helper, my other half. I have had it in my mind for some weird religious reason that I was only intended for my husbands help, not the other way around. I mean isn't that why we were called "help mate" in the bible? Obviously I know there are in depth studies on what help mate (meet) actually means but I mean on the surface, that is what goes through my mind when I think of support...we are the support to the men, right?! That thinking is so backwards though, we have to put into context that we are in this as partners and I am so thankful for going through "it" so I see those tiny places of pride inside of me that create such weakness, and one thing I know for SURE is that the children can always smell weakness. So I did return feeling a bit worn, tattered, and exhausted but I also returned thankful and incredibly aware of my most serious blessing; my husband. 

It ultimately was a fun week and here are some pics from our time! 

The Ugly Kind!

"As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received"...

I re read this sentence five or six times hoping to get past it and go further into my devotional time, except I couldn't seem to. Every time I would read it, my five year old would cry and argue with me about something I had just said. So in trying to be a good parent, I didn't ignore her (even though at this point that's all I want to do) I would assist her in refocusing on what it was that I originally had told her.

A few Sunday's ago I heard a mom talk about her devotional times as the "good, the bad, and the ugly" this was most certainly an ugly one.

I had stayed up for the second night in a row with my teething one year old, so when my regular devotion time came around which is early...like you don't want to know how early I didn't wake up. Please don't think that I am one of those super disciplined people who wake before the sun to pursue Jesus, I wish but no it is simply the most convenient time because I am already up saying goodbye to Jose so might as well take advantage of the quiet. So I am on day two of ugly devotion's where I can't seem to get past one sentence in my bible, I just want to fit in one chapter today that is all I am asking for!

It's so funny how caught up in it we can get. Truth is as my five year old is testing me, and my one year old is throwing tantrums and screaming all I really want to do is check out and go hide under my covers ( trust me the thought occurs to me on a regular basis) however, I know that as moms we don't get that option. We can't go "work" in the garage for hours upon end or "fix" some piece of metal that needs welding or fixing or nailing of some kind. We have a job to do and that job doesn't allow for any sick day's or check out moments. So I know that as frustrated as I am and as ugly as this devotional time looks, I know that the only thing that will help me is Jesus. I have to push in further because he is my only answer, I often kick myself for passing up opportunities to read parenting books (not that they aren't incredibly helpful) but kicking myself and wishful thinking isn't going to help me with my disobedient five year old who keeps testing boundaries. There will be another chance for that but right now in this moment there has to be something in here that can help me...anything. Then I came across Ephesians 4:2 which says "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." I always read this verse and applied it to my friendships and relationships with other adults but never really with my kids. So I made that verse my entire devotion time, I read it over and over again praying and asking the Lord to help me with my children because I needed humility and I absolutly needed patience and I wanted to be gentle with my daughters heart and her feelings and I want to bear with her, it's so easy as parents to dis engage our kids and to me that is not bearing with them...something I am super guilty of. There are days that everything looks great, my house gets clean, my five year old makes me breakfast, and I get in my devotion time. Then there are days that test everything I learned and read in those "good days" of devotions, I know as a stay at home mom that sometimes my place can seem insignificant in the eyes of the world. I am learning how to overcome that feeling and find my place in my children's lives, because I know that as a mother my place is so important and I am being challenged in my daily life to look my kids in the eyes and give them my attention, give them more of my time, even more than they have now. It may not look pretty but I am so encouraged by the fact that I know I am not the only one out there with those "good, bad and ugly days" and I know that in those moments that I feel unprepared or unequipped, HE has equipped me, readied and steadied me for these things. Praise the Lord for his grace and mercy that NEVER runs out! 

My mother gave me some amazing advice as I became a mother she told said " If you run into a wall where you can't seem to get through to your child then give up and give in to Jesus because he designed them, he should know better than anyone how to get through" Yep...this is sage advice especially for my five year old. To all my other mama's out there just looking for a time out, keep the faith and always ALWAYS keep some chocolate in the house!