Am I Still Five Years Old?

" Can you come over for a play date? "

The words were shouted as loud as an excited five year old girl could shout them. My heart sank, this beautiful little kinder garden girl just shouted this crushing phrase in front of my daughter. Not to her but in front of her. What was worse, was the girl who shouted it was my daughters closest friend in school. Noticing that my daughter was very aware of the fact that she was not included in this "play date" I went to grab her hand to direct her away from the girls. I hoped that I was fast enough, but I wasn't two seconds later I looked down and there they were welling up in her eyes. She was very aware that she was left out and by her closest friend. She choked the words out " mom am I am invited to their play date?" I had to be the one to tell my precious baby "No." 

To some people this whole scene may actually make you roll your eyes but there is something about being a mom that makes you want to protect your children from every hurt and every heart ache. I know of course that as my children grow the true friendships will blossom and mature but it doesn't change the fact that right now they're precious girl feelings are worth protecting. 

This was one of the things I knew that I would have to face one day as soon as the gender of my children was determined. Being a mother of girls is challenging in so many ways but one of the most difficult is dealing with their hurts and emotions. I want to heal it and make it better and as they grow it seems the friendship thing gets harder and harder to deal with. I couldn't help but actually relate to my five year old on this topic though, so many of these principles that we face as children never actually go away as adults. 

Not being included or feeling validated by other people can be such a crippling feeling as a woman. It seems so much harder within Christian circles too, we get extra offended because we feel like women who love God shouldn't make us feel the way they do. 

This is something I am working through on a regular basis. I jump to conclusions way to quickly and am way to quick in drawing lines in the sand. As my daughters come to me with their broken dreams and possibly their broken hearts I have to know how to help them. Not just baby them but actually help them understand how to work through their tears and not be offended. How do I teach something that I still don't know how to do? I recently had an enlightening conversation with my husband about my "socialization" skills. 

In my mind I am a total social butterfly and get out of the house all the time.  In his eyes I am a total recluse who stays in the house way too often. 

This news blew my mind. He didn't say it in a mean or hateful way, he said it in more of a jesting joking way. Which at first made me think he was joking but when the conversation actually turned serious I realized that he really thought I was a recluse. How could he think that, I feel busier than I ever have! I leave the house all the time to do things and go to places, he clearly doesn't know his wife very well. Naturally to prove me wrong he began to ask if we could have company over that day.  We just had company the night before I wanted to relax in my pajamas and get things ready for the week. To him that proved his point. We just had company over!! To him having one couple over in what had been like three weeks wasn't exactly social behavior. I hate being mis understood and I hate it even more when people call me on things that I don't want to be called on. I was forced to take a hard look at this whole topic. He was right. I really do prefer to be alone, mostly because "company" means entertaining and I really don't like to entertain. I like to mix into the back ground not being the center focus. I hate it when my husband is right. 

Naturally I did not tell him that he was right.I just slowly internalized my findings. When I married my husband I knew that he was super social, during some of our phone conversations while we dated I remember him saying that he only went home to sleep. He has been amazing in so many ways but one of the things I realized that he has done for me is put his social life on the back burner. We are nearly four years into our marriage and that back burner is about to burn up. I may need to chose to stretch in some places that I don't like to reveal or show. I don't think he realizes how much work goes into being a recluse. Being a recluse means that I don't have to worry about not being invited to things or being caught up in social situations that will leave me re thinking my whole existence because of someone's haughty opinion. I like my alone time, but maybe I am using it as a crutch. How on earth did I end up marrying a social bug, it seems like it should go against the laws of nature. So to keep me accountable you guys get to know that I am working on this behavior and I am working on getting past my five year old fears of being left out. LOL I can laugh at it because it really is sad but I need to be honest about it.

 I am a constant work in progress. 

New Year. Same Me

We have entered into a new year and just like every other year since Y2k I entered it with slightly gritted teeth and my hands gripping the steering wheel of life. One of these years our number has got to be up! I really thought we were over when the Mayan Calendar was over or that time that guy knew it was the end of the world...for like the third time.
No matter how desperately I want to be one of those care free, happy, go lucky people I am still this conspiracy minded, looking over my shoulder kind of girl.
I can't help it though, I absolutely love the world of fictional books and fantasy. Dreaming big and getting lost in other worlds has kept me smiling and diving into books ever since I was young. So when I hear outrageously large stories about the world ending, all I really hear is a story ready to be told.

So because of this foreboding and doomsday mentality, it has always been difficult for me to make resolutions. I am always thankful nothing bad actually happens but still there is a teeny tiny part of me that is hoping Jesus comes back. Is that crazy?  So the year 2014 is really no different..I mean on all of those really old 80's movies about the apocalypse the highest year I think they ever went up to was 2020...so you see where I am going with this. How far are we actually going to go? I know it says no one knows the day nor the hour but sometimes I feel like we are on that storm stopper game at the arcade waiting for the right moment to be pressed and then a bazillion tickets will come out.

I am sure I nearly lost most of you at the "Storm Stopper" reference. So this year ( all eight days of it) I have really done some soul searching. Of course I would love to lose weight but that really is something best saved for the spring. The weather controls most of my eating habits. Yes I would love to start pre planning my meals so that I don't have to use the defrost button every night. I would love to plan my shopping trips so that I run out of food at the same time as all personal care items like shampoo and face wash, as well as dog food and basically everything else that needs to be purchased from the store. I always have the goal to be a better mother and a better wife in front of me, so naturally I don't think I should limit that goal to January or the year 2014. I desperately need to revamp my time schedule and how I spend it but lets be honest until facebook gets old like myspace I don't see that one being remedied. Really there has only been one thing that has stood out this year that I want as a resolution.

My 2014 Resolution is to worship God with every thing I have.I get that this seems so cheesy and cliche but there are Sunday's when I sing but my mind is going a million miles a minuet not actually worshiping the one that I am singing about. I am so refined in how I sing and stand, I constantly get consumed with what I look like and how other people are perceiving me. So I am going all in. I want to worship like a little kid and go crazy for him. I used to think that only really attractive worship leaders had the right to do this ( seriously, not joking you) but I am past that. I want some of that crazy lady real and genuine worship.  Obviously worship is not just music and it's not just on Sundays but I am referring to music. So when I am in church and aware of all the people around me and have my two kids in the pew with me who take turns asking to get water and go to the bathroom I want to vow to not let one Sunday go by with out giving it my all. I want to sing my lungs out, I want to run out of breath and possibly spit if necessary, I don't want to hold back anything.  I have wasted way to much time being focused on me. I often feel like the little drummer boy wishing that I had something to offer God with my worship. I mean I have no voice, and can't play an instrument to save my life but I want to worship him with every fiber of my being. So I am starting this year with a bang and choosing to give him my all. My everything. So far it has been amazing. I am loving it, it is challenging and stretching but I love it and I can't wait to see where we ( me and Jesus)  go from here.

For now this is a new year but the same old me!