Appealing Anguish

Hello and Merry Christmas my dearest readers and friends.

As you know I generally try to put out a post every few weeks or so, not so much for you but for me to help chronicle my life with different time lines of sorts. 

Not sure if that makes sense but I love looking back through my blogs throughout the year and seeing what amazing things God does in that time. 

Today I thought I would share some things that spiritually I feel like I am going through and hopefully if any of you have been in this boat with me, or are in it then we can find a way out together. 

The best way to describe how I am feeling is with Psalms 77 which is some what long but I will write it out just so we all have context of what is being said in it. 

I cried out to God for help;

I cried out to God to hear me.

2When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;

at night I stretched out untiring hands,and I would not be comforted.

3I remembered you, God, and I groaned;

I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.

4You kept my eyes from closing;

I was too troubled to speak.5I thought about the former days,

the years of long ago;

6I remembered my songs in the night.

My heart meditated and my spirit asked:

7“Will the Lord reject forever?

Will he never show his favor again?

8Has his unfailing love vanished forever?

Has his promise failed for all time?

9Has God forgotten to be merciful?

Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”

10Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:

the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.

11I will remember the deeds of the Lord;

yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.

12I will consider all your works

and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”

13Your ways, God, are holy.

What god is as great as our God?

14You are the God who performs miracles;

you display your power among the peoples.

15With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,

the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.

16The waters saw you, God,

the waters saw you and writhed;

the very depths were convulsed.

17The clouds poured down water,

the heavens resounded with thunder;

your arrows flashed back and forth.

18Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,

your lightning lit up the world;

the earth trembled and quaked.

19Your path led through the sea,

your way through the mighty waters,

though your footprints were not seen.

20You led your people like a flock

by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

In the first part of the Psalm I love how transparent David is about his pain, and how relate able it is, and that it is where I find myself so frequently. When I feel like I am in a season of crying out to God for change or to relieve me of something, I will often spend time with my arms outstretched in prayer and worship, which is good and that is what we are taught to do in hard times. However, I often find like David that even in those moments when I am worshiping and pressing in for understanding, my soul is not comforted like his own. I love that it says " my soul refused to be comforted" because that implies that his soul knows that there is something missing or something that can be pressed harder or in a different way. Whatever David was doing to find comfort with his arms and his words, it couldn't compete with what he was still feeling in his soul . 

He continues to ask all these questions, which if we are being honest we tend to do as  well, or at least I do. I question things until the very definition of the thing I am questioning becomes unclear. He starts to wonder if God will ever show him favor again, and if God has forgotten to be merciful. These same thoughts flood my heart and mind from time to time no matter how long I have been a Christian for. There is still something in the back of my mind that says, this was it, this was that one final straw that pushed God too far and now all is lost. 

Lies, all lies, but real thoughts from time to time. These thoughts are powerful and very real in the midst of really hard circumstances, but its in that moment of wondering and questioning that we really have an amazing opportunity. It doesn't talk much about spiritual warfare in the old testament at least not under that term, but this is a prime example of a fight, and one that we need to engage in and win. 

David has this opportunity to stay in this place of hurt and anguish, he has the choice to disappear forever and slide into isolation, allowing his current fears to be confirmed by his own flesh. BUT he doesn't instead this man after God's own heart, chooses to engage in the fight and he says this " Then I thought, To this I will appeal: the years of the right hand of the Most High" 

David commanded his thoughts and his heart to align with his spirit and he began to recount all the marvelous things God had done not only in his own life but in all the earth.  He begins to remind himself of whom is in charge of his situation, and who has the ability to correct what is wrong. He chose to fight, to make a change in his circumstances, he chose to fight for Glory. 

Its in that moment that I am finding myself struggling, I read this and am so encouraged but I am also fearful and I know that my pride would have me wallow and stay in anguish of my circumstances but my birthright would have me fight this and like David, appeal it. Appeal all these fears of abandonment and being forgotten, of being in a place of wrath with God instead of grace and love. 

So my friends that is where I am, and this I believe is where I am headed. I am believing that like David I can appeal my fears and my thoughts that battle against his Holy truth and promises and come out victorious. If you are like me and in that boat then I want to be praying for you, like I hope you will for me.

 Blessings friends and thanks for reading such a long blog post from me.

 Merry Christmas. 

Life With Lice.....

Recently our family encountered our own personal apocalypse, its something I had feared for a long time. When I was a girl I contracted this terrible thing several times, and each time I hated it. My heart fell into the bottom of my stomach because I felt like a total leper. Our school had a lady come once a week to specifically check for kids with L.I.C.E...yes lice. The worst fate ever. I know I sound really dramatic but you have to understand what kind of situation I am dealing with, check out this picture of my family.

..Yeah they look cute and adorable, but look at ALL that hair!!! So I am sorry but people who get lice and have mostly boys can't totally relate to my sheer panic and total terror of catching this terrible thing. 

So the purpose of my blog today is to inform you who ever you may be that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and if you find out your home has been compromised by these disgusting little creatures then you will have a reference point to go from and you will know where to start. Googling and youtubing these things while under pressure could lead to bad results. 

So our family found out on a Friday that one of our girls had come down with lice. The first step is to collect your kid. Mine was in Prineville and the other two girls and I had awesome library plans. So drop the plans get some coffee and get yourself to your infested kid. 

Step two, get supplies! 

Here are the supplies we used. First and Foremost you must get the KIT

Now many people may be totally against the terrible products in the RID KIT, but it contains the comb, the shampoo and most importantly the spray. The spray kills all lice on mattresses and cars, places you can't really clean. Now for our family of hair we had to get 4 boxes which can be expensive, so if you can find another way to get all the extra products from the kit and kill lice more naturally then do it. 

Once you "treat" the hair it kills all live lice which is your biggest concern. Once the hair is treated, keep the clean hair away from anything that might be contaminated, you will need time to get everything cleaned. I kept my girls in the kitchen occupied with a movie while I attacked their bedroom and the rest of my house, I waited until after all rooms were done to treat my youngest because she is more difficult to keep in one spot. 

Bag ALL stuffed animals, I did barbies and ponies just to be extra safe..you never know. Take the bags and throw them in your garage. Get ALL hair accessories and brushes and throw them in a designated spot in your freezer, its easier then having gross chemicals all over your hair stuff. The cold kills the lice and any eggs. 

Get rid off all bedding, clothes from floor, everything than may have been affected. My girls have been in sleeping bags for the past week, because every day I can throw it all in the dryer for 40 min while I spray their matresses down. That way nothing has a chance to hatch or live where they sleep. I also got rid off all carpets in their room and my bathrooms once they were washed I kept them in a safe place until our home was completely lice free ( actually we will keep them away for about two weeks because of the life cycle of lice) 

Once you vacuum, spray, and basically attack every place lice may have hit then you can allow your kids back into those places. 

Every day going forward you will have to diligently comb through the hair, see my above photo of all supplies. What we did each morning was had our girls confined to the kitchen just in case any new lice hatched over night, that way our living room and things weren't affected. Then one by one I would use the blue spray bottle filled with apple cider vinegar ( I tried regular and it didn't work) a friend thankfully shared her awesomness and told me to use APPLE CIDER vinegar. Then what I did to make my life easier, is fill the small white bucket with HOT soapy water, I alternated between two combs but layer by layer of hair I would spray the vinegar and then comb any eggs out, wipe off the eggs onto a paper towel or baby wipe as you go. Throwing the comb into the soapy water every few minuets really helps clean it and keep you sane. 

Once all the girls have been checked and you have made sure they have NO live lice then you can allow them to shower if you want, I allowed my girls heads to be dirty because lice hate dirty heads, but if you do then put tea tree oil in with your shampoo it help repel lice. 

One thing we did do that made all of our lives a little easier was cut every one's hair, except the baby who just wouldn't allow that kind of drama in her life. 

I did keep her hair up out of the way though, the shorter hair really really helped us check. My husband cut their hair so in this picture it doesn't exactly look even but I have plans of fixing that don't worry. I even went through it. 

Again I have plans on fixing it ... having Jose cut my hair was kind of a low point for me, but when your desperate, your desperate. 

Our family really got hit, on top of the lice our eldest contracted pink eye...super fun. So we had to get creative to prevent her from touching her eyes and spreading it. 

She's adorable and when she is older she may take me to court over this photo...but I had to share it. 

So staying on top of cleaning and disinfecting was crucial, every toy, bathrooms, every place hands touch...it was exhausting but worth it. Only one of our kids got pink eye thankfully. 

So for a week straight we did the process of checking heads, on some days I would do it three times. Also every other day I would apply mayonnaise to everyone's heads and in one case everyone had to sleep in in it... 

It wasn't easy or fun and it smelled really bad, but getting them adorably cute shower caps made it a little easier. Also letting them watch an insane amount of Netflix will help anything. After you apply the mayo make sure you use saran wrap to secure it then put on the shower cap. 

After showering make sure you blow dry your hair on the hottest setting if you can handle it and then straighten the crap out of your hair, we did this often! 

Ok so I think that covers all of our steps, this was our week. But I am happy to report that we are lice and egg free.  

One thing that will be really hard, is being under quarantine and not going anywhere public. We even had to skip thanksgiving and spend it at home alone. The girls were really upset but we made the best out of a tough situation. 

After you make it past your hairpocolypse make sure you take time to celebrate. You must make sure ALL eggs are gone though other wise you do risk spreading it ( although its unlikely) its not easy for eggs to fall but they could potentially hatch while your out. 

 Our girls had a blast hitting up Mcdonalds and Penguins of Madagascar, it has been a really tough week but we are incredibly thankful to be over it...although we understand there is a small chance some how some way they could relapse, I am not afraid of that happening any more. Its not the end of the world, its juts a long very very long week.

Hope this helps.

Blessings Friends.

Ashley

Naive November....

It is mid November and it is around this time each month I like to update you; my readers as to what is happening in my life, or at the very least what is happening in my brain. So for your enjoyment and hopefully your concern for my life's goings on, here is my latest blog.  But First.....

Who ever read my last blog about the mice you will be happy to hear that we are mice free, or at least we have been for at least two weeks. We used a ton of glue traps and spoke trash about the mice really loudly every where we went, so I think they got the hint and just left or got stuck and had no choice. 

Anyway, as of late our lives have been a little crazy.... even for us. The girls for some reason have half the month of November off it seems, and then add in a few snow days and basically my kids have two thanksgiving breaks. I always seem to exaggerate these things but I am really not kidding this time...(insert serious face here) Also a few weeks ago we agreed to take in our fourteen year old nephew for a while, during some of his own life transitional things. We had been made aware of his need for a place a little while ago, we prayed about it and felt it clear to take him in so we cleared out Naomi's room. Putting three girls in one room can have its awesome moments, like only one room to clean, and all the laundry is basically going in one room but it also has a few downfalls like having three girls in one room.... We love our family and we both decided a long time ago that our door would always be open if the need were to ever arise. So we in no way regret the decision we have made, its just taking a bit more adjusting than I think we originally thought it would. I mean we are only twenty seven and we have a teenager now in our care, We are both humbled and terrified, we have had a lot of moments just looking at each other and saying " what are we doing"... we don't want to pretend to have this whole thing figured out, because after a few events it is very clear that we don't. However, we are committed to trying and doing our best to make this whole difficult and ugly transition work. We recently admitted to our nephew that we need grace just as much as he may need it, that we will need to give it to each other because we are all in this place of trying to figure it out. There are days that I just stare outside unsure of how we became parental figures to not three but four children one of them being a TEENAGER, the dreaded T word. Jose and I transitioned out of youth ministry a few months ago, so we didn't expect to be working with teenagers again for a little while. Either way its in our life now that dreaded T word and it isn't going anywhere so we better just put on our big kid pants and deal. One HUGE blessing in this whole thing is how close it has brought Jose and I, we have always been close but this whole thing has just made us so much more thankful and reliant on each other for strength and prayer.
 I am just going to be really real with you guys, this whole parenting thing looks so much better with younger kids, it is ugly and painful with teenagers. Our nephew got in trouble the other day and because I felt so bad I bought him over twenty dollars worth of junk food, also he doesn't have a winter coat but is in that whole "I'm too cool for a coat phase" So I went to the store and bought him a coat feeling all awesome and cool because it was a nice jacket that the cool kids would totally approve of, only to find out that I got the wrong size..... (insert crying face here) Also did you know that sometimes teenagers don't eat? My brothers always ate so much we had to ration their food out before just to have some for the rest of us, but my nephew doesn't eat ..like ever and it stresses me out to the MAX as a mom I want my kids to eat, so when he doesn't eat it hits my mom button and makes me go to crazy emotional town, which I visit silently and to where no one knows I am actually there. But I am telling you guys, I am there, I am setting up like a summer vacation home in crazy, stressed out town. See...No idea what I am doing ... I need a live in nanny, just to give me teenager advice although she better be able to live in her umbrella or something because I have no more space for anyone.

One thing I really need grace in is my tendency to get easily irritated by clutter and messes that I can't control, this whole experience has taken me way out of my comfort zone, our house has very little storage so clutter is happening all around me. Little messes, clutter zones, and dishes are just living in my house on a regular basis and I've exhausted myself trying to keep up with it all. So here I sit with my coffee at 2 in the afternoon, I have kicked everyone out of my house except the two year old who takes naps. I am sitting on a bed full of clean clothes my two eldest girls didn't fold and my floor is covered in items from an old purse that Naomi got into, to think just yesterday my bedroom was sparkling clean. I am making like Elsa and just letting it go..for now, actually part of me kicking out my whole family is for the purpose of doing some deep cleaning but first I will have my blogging and coffee!  Well there you have it, naturally I had planned on all of this sounding better but it didn't come out that way. So you get what you get, this emotionally exhausted mama is out. 

Blessings Friends 

P.S.... If you haven't gotten the clue yet, please pray for me. Also please don't be all weird and talk to my nephew about this stuff that would just embarrass him and this whole thing is awkward enough

Might Mice and More....

You may be startled by what you are about to read!

I am actually quite nervous about even writing down my thoughts for fear of total judgment, and as fear of what people think of me is number one on my get over it list, I think this little conversation will be therapeutic. 

Well, here it goes...

We have mice.

Yes I said it, MICE not a single annoying mouse but we actually have mice as in multiple. 

I know your first thought just went to this gross and dirty house filled with mice but please I beg you  get that picture out of your head. I have a clean house! I swear!! 

Butttttttttt the previous owners remolded our home quite a bit, and well lets just say they seemed to do it quickly and left a few unfinished spaces. I could sit here and write out a detailed list of what I think is happening here and where they are coming in but I think that would bore you.  So lets talk about these annoyingly mighty mice. I say mighty because well I feel like that's what they are...we have killed three ...(insert face of defeat here) yes three mice in the last two months and after our last little menace, I thought we were done for good. But as I strolled out to the living room this morning ( one o clock to be precise) I heard the most saddening noise ever...the tiny squeaking of a mouse most likely under my fridge just squeaking its little heart out ( hopefully stuck on a glue trap) and that's when it hit me....we actually, legitimately have mice. 

I know what your thinking, get a cat and solve all your problems. Well just like there is always a price to pay for striking a deal with the devil so there is with allowing cats into your home assuming they will do you favors like kill mice. I have a firm belief that cats are just another form of roadkill that we just happen to allow to live among us...but one day everyone else will see it for what it is, road kill...in your home..gross and disgusting roadkill. ( please don't take offense I just don't like cats) So clearly getting a cat is out of the question, however these glue traps are pretty legit and so we may be buying them in bulk ( sad face here) and who ever saw the movie Mouse Trap? Yes I am beginning to believe that movie was based off of a true story...( enter scared and terrified face here) Sometimes I can hear them in the walls and I think "maybe I should just think of them as company, like members of the family?" Then reality sinks in and I remember that they are disgusting little creatures filled with grossness and ebola ( probably not ebola but will we ever really know?) Thats enough mice talk for one morning, I can still hear little squeaky squeak...the dogs don't seem to even care...( laziest pets ever) 

Now onto the More part of this blog!

Its currently 1:14 am...

I didn't write the numbers out because I am tired...but clearly not to tired to actually sleep ( insert saddest face ever) I have a case of the insomnia's caused by travel anxiety. 

Anytime I have an upcoming trip of any proportion I can NOT sleep a wink the night before. I hate it! I should have just downed a but load of Z quill and called it good but I am much to good for that, I actually think I can get there on my own. Well I can't which is why I am up writing to all of you right now. So I am traveling to Idaho tomorrow night driving all by myself ...in the dark...for six hours...and then I am getting on a plane with my mommy to fly to Texas to go see my newest nephew and my brother whom I haven't seen in two years. In my mind the whole state of Texas is on lock down because of the earlier mentioned E word...even though that city that actually has it is hundreds of miles if not like a thousand (I could actually look up how far but again with the laziness) regardless its far. But I am flying on a plane and isn't that how this whole E word business started ?    ( for those seriously not tracking with me E word is Ebola) 

So not only am I torn about leaving my babies for eight whole days but now I am thinking the worst about my flight...at least I wont be alone...except on the way back....I guess I should note here if its not already evident I have never flown before. 

Except as a seven year old girl alone...

So I was escorted by the people in charge.

Here I am a nearly thirty year old and I am totally terrified to fly and is it just me or are the stats on how many airplanes fall out of the sky a little off these days? Seems like there is a plane crash every other day or so...clear exaggeration but still. Also I managed to get a nice little head cold so I am also super scared that they wont let me on the plane. I know that sounds so stupid but I am being totally real with you, how sick is too sick especially with all this E word business going on. Will they make me wear a mask? Will they check my blood for drugs? Because best believe I will be on some dayquil before I hop on that aircraft. 

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

You can see why sleeping inst exactly happening right now. 

My mind is just so full of stuff, my husband is single dad'ing it for over a week getting the girls ready for school...that includes outfits, lunch, and hair!! He is like the best dad on the planet so I am not that worried but there is a bit of an image I help them maintain being the hair goddesses of course. Then there is public attire for Naomi, one time he put her in sweatshirt three sizes to big with pants one size to small ( my fault for clearly not cleaning out her closet) I feel like one of those moms that has to have like five billion things written down and ready to go before I actually go which means I can go in about five years. 

But I know I really don't, Jose is so good with them and is actually a great cook and he cleans! Don't tell him I ever told you but his mama raised him right! He cooks, cleans, and does laundry. So I am not really worried, I think I am just finding reasons to be worried when I really don't need to. Like that scene off of World War Z on the plane...gahhhh remember when they use their luggage to create a barrier? That plane crashed...this is why as an adult I can't watch any move past PG13. 

Well my friends send a little prayer my way, this is my first big kid trip and I am clearly scared. 

Also any thoughts on how to get rid of these pesky mice for good (with out a cat) are totally welcomed. 

Blessings 

Ashley 

Really Realness

I am completely aware that my title makes no sense to the language guru ( you know who you are) you may quickly realize that I don't really pay much attention to grammar or to spell check ( I do try) it's not that I don't care, some of it is just simple ignorance, some of it is just that I don't make time for that, so I officially apologize to you.
It has been a while since I have blogged or even posted on my face book status, I have gone to post a few times but just don't know what to write ( probably due to my physical state of hunger). So here is my long over due face book status update as well as a whole lot of realness from me.
Not that you have all been dying to hear my realness or anything but I thought to myself, I wish I had a hilarious blog to read about health and fitness right now because it's not super funny to me or fun and I am in desperate need of hilarity ( another word not spell checked...)
So I have been doing this fitness challenge for about nine days now, basically I eat only raw food and drink only water, and work out.
Lets start off with just being honest, I couldn't go completely raw...I did try but I failed... I was like " I miss meat" and that was the end of that. I am however sticking pretty raw besides that, no processed food, no dairy, no bread, no cheese ( I miss cheese) no sugar ( I miss sugar)  and the meat I am eating is super lean, and is farm fresh.        
                                                                                         
 (THIS VIDEO I POSTED HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING BUT IT MADE ME LAUGH SO THERE YOU HAVE IT.)

My fruits and veggie intake has gone up by like 1000% that percentage is accurate, in my previous life ( nine days ago) I hated most veggies and didn't take the time to really invest in fruits. I barely made time to really eat anything balanced, I just caught the tail end of meals from the kids ( sometimes it was just crust) that was just how life was during the summer, all the kids were here and they kept insisting that they needed meals ( kidding, of course I feed my children) but seriously they eat all the time.  I have been drinking so much water that I am not really sure I ever actually leave my bathroom...things are going pretty well, I decided to personalize a lot of the meals so that it becomes more like a lifestyle for my family and not just a fad diet. However, I have had some pretty ugly detox side affects, like being hangry for much of the day. I don't care who says that you never get hungry eating fruits and veggies all day but you do they are lying to you. I eat all day and I am still always hungry and maybe that is because my diet now looks very similar to what a horse would eat.. so figuring out what realistically I can eat with out wanting to hurt someone has been tricky and still is. Then there is the look of fitness...by day nine I figured my oh so annoying muffin top would have dissapeared ( spell check can't identify this word so its going to stay wrong)  by now..but it hasn't so when putting on some stretchy shorts today I may have pulled them up like steve urkle just to hide the stupid muffin top. It helps me mentally stay focused, I realize I look ridiculous but the only person here to judge me is my half naked ( potty training) two year old. I made taco's last night...my taco was made out of two big leaves of lettuce and lots of tomatoes..on pintrest it looked delicious...on my plate it looked like starvation. I made the mistake of watching the Dr. Oz show one day ( I just needed some adult conversation..which was just one sided but still something) but he talked about how you should set your lifestyle around NOT eating any brown rice, or wheat products..he had healthy whole wheat pasta up on the NO NO table.. Now what you are about to read next did really happen but I had a quick recovery..I threw down my celery  said a few choice words ( not cuss words but choice just the same) and decided that no matter how many times "they" tell us what is healthy it will never actually be healthy.."they" change their minds a lot... but I picked my celery back up and decided I can't get upset about all the latest healthy craze things. Even though
can change in our family's diet and lifestyle. So when you think of me say a little prayer and for goodness sakes please don't offer me any baked goods, I may freak out and eat all
of it or simply hit the tupper wear dish out of your hand forcing everyone to suffer like me... kidding...( it may have crossed my mind) but I love the person offering it to me way to much to ever actually do that....but not promises by day 20.
Until then.....

Starving but Alive
Ashley

Marriage In The Morning

A few summers ago during a woman's group, I was challenged by an amazing woman to start getting up with my husband in the mornings. She had mentioned how much it had begun changing her marriage and strengthening it, hearing her stories inspired me and I decided that I would begin doing this in my marriage. At that time my husband was getting up at 3:45 am ( which for obvious reasons is why I never got up before now) it took a long time for me to become consistent and not resentful. I know that sounds weird but out of my desire to be an awesome wife came this residual frustration; as though it was somehow his fault that I was now awake and making eggs. I hated that, I began to get really bitter and even comparing my marriage to others. Constantly thinking " wow i can't even wake up happy to see my husband" nope sad and honest truth, I began to put these demands on myself and out of that place of striving is where I decided to do my marriage.
Well the longer I kept at it, the more fluid it became and the more natural it felt. I obviously wasn't always the nicest person to wake up to but I began to allow myself that freedom to make the food and then curl up on the couch with a blanket until he kissed me goodbye. Then something shifted in me and maybe in him, its not that we prayed together every morning ( my words that early were not always the most holy) and its not that I woke up looking or acting happy but one day it just clicked. Jose began talking to me about his most favorite thing to talk about on the earth ( for some guys its sports or fishing) but for my guy its doctrine. Yes you read correctly, our early morning before the sun is even thinking of waking up conversations were about biblical doctrine. Jose is hungry for knowledge and understanding when it comes to the bible, he's poured himself over the years into learning and has become... well basically really really good at knowing scriptures and understanding their context. So our talks of God and all things ancient began to draw us closer as a couple and closer to God, because more often then not we argued about a particular point of view on a topic, it always pushed us back to the word.
These little talks became a huge staple in our marriage and we were both loving it, and then God laughed and changed everything.
I struggled with 3:40 am.
Jose's schedule was then changed to him waking up at 2:23 am.....( I wish I could make those numbers crazy big and bold but I'm too tired) so my awesome wife card went straight out the window with that because there was just no way I was waking up that early. Until a few days ago...I heard Jose mention that some of his buddies were bringing eggs and bacon in for their first break... As in their wives were packing it for them. He in no way was being manipulative ( I know when he is) he was just talking about how it smelled at break time.
Insert guiltiest feeling ever right here....
My husband was being sent to work with cereal and pop tarts and suddenly a very real rage came alive in me and I was determined to best those other egg and bacon sending wives. The next day I woke up ( which means he had to physically wake me until I got out of bed) I made him the best scrambled eggs that he ever had.
But what was better than the food was our little talks that we had back. Just our thoughts, our words, no interruptions from the three other women demanding his attention ( even though they are awfully cute) nothing but us. I became emotionally hungry for that time with him, so I'm back at it today and totally loving it...mostly because I do get to go back to bed... not  necessarily to sleep but at least to bed.
I love our mornings, I love how God uses them in my life, and I think what I love more than anything is how alive I get to see Jose become when he gets to be his true self with the safest most understanding person for him on the planet.
That's our marriage in the morning 💓

Hidden Hope

Okay,  I already know right off the bat your thinking.."wow, this girl blogs a lot" I really am not that obsessed I promise. 

But this would be the second blog in like two days...lets just ignore that for right now.

I am so excited to share this little bit of hidden hope with you. 

First in order for you to understand why this blog is so exciting to me you have to know a little bit of the background. Jose and I knew each other in high school, as some of you may know. He was this shy guy that I knew from another youth group we both attended separate from our home church's. That church was really the only place we ever saw each other besides school. This youth group had a really cool youth building with their very own worship stage, which I thought was just the coolest thing ever...

NOW PUT A PIN IN THIS WHOLE STORY WE WILL GET BACK TO IT........

Fast forward into my marriage, Jose and I have been blissfully wed for over four years. In our marriage one of the biggest lessons I have had to learn is patience. Like most women I tend to get a head of myself when it comes to "wants." I tend to throw out my suggested want into the air hoping my wonderful husband will pick up on it. Most of the time I have to be rather blunt and tell him what I want. In our first year of marriage it was ugly, I had no patience and didn't know the rule of hidden hope. 

Hidden hope is layered throughout my marriage, and never stops surprising me. 

The little things in my life that I may want, certainly not a need but just a desire of my heart, you know those little things we don't think anyone really cares about and we should really not want because there is world hunger?I learned a long time ago that its NOT bad to want something as long as your willing to wait for it.

Jose is the king of resourceful ness, he is probably THE most thrifty man I have ever met. We do not discard pennies in this household, every single thing that's of worth has a place in our lives. So I have learned to honor him with this, not wasting ANY food, buying discounted and as cheap as possible, its the least I can do since I get to stay home due to his thrifty ness. Well last fall, Jose was able to get some free wood and he built me a front porch, something that he knew I really wanted from when we first bought our house. This summer I lightly mentioned that I would love to have a bench on that beautiful front porch. We began pricing out bench's and oh my word I can not believe how expensive they can get. The cheapest we were able to narrow it down to was about $100 dollars, which was still outside of our budget because of our income/debt ratio. So I waited and sat on my ugly green lawn chair every day. Yes our front porch looked tacky but I was thankful for this beautiful front porch that my husband had created for me and knowing him, it would only be a matter of time before he managed to find a way to get me a bench. 

Now again stay with me

A few months ago Jose came into possession of a free stage, like a worship stage ( don't ask me how this man always gets free stuff) this stage just happen to be the same stage that was from the youth group we both went to in high school. They had renovated a few years back and friend of ours took the stage off their hands. All these years later here we are with it sitting in our back yard. 

Next thing I know my husband is breaking it down, pulling it apart and trimming the wood into manageable pieces. Two days later he fashioned that wood into a beautiful bench for me. 

My heart may explode...seriously, not only did he find a way to do this for free but he found something from our past, that worship stage was used so mightily in our walks with God throughout our high school years. So now sitting on our front porch is this piece of history that is drenched in praise and worship from years and years of youth pouring out their hearts to God, choosing him, choosing life. 

This whole thing comes at such a critical time in our lives, we both help with youth ministry and we both lately have been struggling with our place in it, and our hearts. Wondering if this is where God wants us, if we are even making a difference, after several tears and lots of prayer now sitting on my porch is a little piece of hidden hope from our Daddy God. He shows up in wildest ways. 

Thank you for reading and staying with me through the crazy story but I hope that you are encouraged as much as I am, God works all the pieces of our lives to weave in purpose and hope when we least expect it. Think about those tiny things that are in your heart and just put them in his hands, because he really is the only one that can work all things for good! 

~ Love Ashley 

In The Process of Processing....

It has been well over a month since I have published any of my thoughts in blog form. 

For some reason sitting down and putting my thoughts together in this format ( you know where you can see them) has just been so daunting. 

Yet here I am finally at the end of July putting my thoughts down....the end of July....oh my gosh. It feels like just yesterday that I was flipping my calendar page over to July and slowly filling in all my appointments. 

Well that is probably the biggest reason for my absence in blogger land, time has become a mortal enemy to me and well we haven't quite made up yet. 

I literally feel like I am living in that movie "Click" not in the sense that I'm trying to fast forward my life or that I have any one creepy enough to compare to Christoper Walken in my life. More like my kids are growing at a crazy rapid rate right before my eyes and I am really not sure if GMO's  are to blame or animal crackers ( I feed an obscene amount of animal crackers to my kids). It seems like every day they wake up they change some how and learn new words and new things about this world. So in attempts to keep my sanity, I try to ignore it and that never works so that brings us back to the battle with time...which just means I'm mad at it and try to avoid anything that time stamps moments of my life.

Back to the purpose of this blog...(if your a regular reader you know there is no purpose but please don't tell anyone else) I decided to confront why it was so difficult to put my thoughts in a place where I could see them. 

I think...not sure but think that its because I am in a process. 

I actually kind of hate that phrase it has become totally cliche in my life, but it doesn't make it any less true. I like to see finished products, which is probably why I give up so quickly on weight loss goals. I feel like if I sweat out of every single place on my body and make every muscle hurt then surely by the next morning I should have results. 

Anyway, so there it is I am in this gooey, yucky, sticky, human process. Thankfully not too many people have been subjected to the "process" but for those who have, they have had their hands full. I am ok that I am in a process, but it doesn't change how it feels to see your process on paper or in this case on a screen. When your process is just put out there white screen, black letters just making everything seem so final and insignificant. One of my biggest issues in any "process" season is assuming that I am the only one that is in it. I am the only one being human, and messy, and gross while I work out my salvation. I begin to picture everyone else's process's taking place on a beach with the picture perfect moments. Sunsets, cool sandals, manicured feet, cozy sweaters, perfect wind blown hair. Sure someone is having a bad day but based off of their instagram feed it looks pretty awesome and trendy, I know Id sure like my "process" to look like theirs. 

Its a huge injustice to our creator that we have stopped being creative in our thoughts and behavior, I say this because I know I am NOT the only one who struggles with this " grass is greener over there" mentality. For example right now I could picture other moms who finally get some alone time ( which means the kids are in bed) I could imagine that they are in a perfectly lit, clean, glowing house with candles lit and wearing cute and cozy sweatery type clothing just pouring into a book, with something gluten and calorie free at their finger tips to munch on. When my reality of alone time is my two year old waking up an hour after she fell asleep followed by my eight year old... So now my oh so joyous alone time is not only being spent with two intruders but also in a "tidy" house which if you catch my drift you know that means nothing is really clean, no its just moved strategically out of eyesight. My clothing has dinner crusted onto it, the lighting in my house is sad and dim, and I found out there is still a mouse in my house and frog in my backyard that has become a new member of the family. So my attempts at being cutesy and cool have failed as they normally do but I realize that my process is just that...mine. 

Mine alone with my family and Jesus, he is fully aware of my crusty dinner clothes and my "tidy" house, another struggles is accepting that my "ok" not so perfect non trendy life is ok, its me. Its ME. For God the one who fashioned me, molded me in my mothers womb, knew me before the creation of all the universe, called me into this life and set me apart, ME is exactly what he is looking for. Because ME is not void of his creation, I myself may not be creative (AT ALL) but that doesn't mean that I am not dripping with creativity, I try to imagine what I look like spiritually what those Angels that I am entertaining see that I don't. Those are my thoughts this fine evening, I hope to encourage any of you other amazing people in the universal "process" oven. Stay strong, stay focused, stay humble. 

~Love Ashley 

A Little Bit of Life...Love...& Laughter

Well I think its that time again that I utilize this blogging machine as a therapy tool. 

I don't really have anything deep and meaningful to discuss tonight ( I know ..strange) instead I thought id just share some funny things I noticed recently. 

So I don't know if this has ever happened to you but sometimes there is something that needs changing in your world and you begin to petition heaven for it. Night and day ( well, when you can remember) you pray about it and you may even extend the opportunity to others to help with this prayer need. It happens to me a lot, its not very often that we can put a date on prayers answered or an expiration date on the ones that aren't. We don't understand his way because they are perfect and we are not. 

However, I have noticed a few things in my life lately that have the distinct answered prayer feeling to them. 

For example I remember praying a while back that I would have some time in the evenings to unwind and spend alone. So for the past two weeks Jose has been called into work early putting him in bed an hour earlier than normal way to early for me. ( Please note I adore my husband but I usually go to bed with him around 9 ending my entire day at that time usually with little to no time to myself) So for the past two weeks I have had TIME lots and lots of TIME to pray and do devotions and just be alone with Jesus and also just be alone with myself and my thoughts which I think is so important. 

Funny thing is now going on like two weeks of this, I ironically am missing my husband. More than that I miss his energy, he is exhausted and I feel like I don't get to see enough of him. So now I have to awkwardly talk to God about possibly modifying this whole "free time" situation. Also I prayed for reading material or devotional material just something to help in my growth process with him...well that happened for real so much so that I can't keep up with any of the material. HA 

 These are obviously little things in the huge grand schemes of our lives and some of you probably rolled your eyes at how lame they were but they are also little things that show how caring and detailed our Daddy God is. He cares about our reading material and he cares about our free time. He is faithful in the smallest of details. 

So onto some other areas of my life that are funny/ crazy. 

As a mother there are a few things that I have had to just accept in my life. 

A few of these things include the fact that the "Frozen" song will never NOT be going through my head. 

No matter how many times I put the hair brushes away in their spot the next morning some how some way they wont be and we won't realize this until we only have ten minuets to get to where we are going. 

Socks and Hair bands are in an alliance against the girls and I they are aware of our dependency upon them and so they hold all the power... which is awkward.

I can wash every single piece of clothing that the girls own and within two days with out fail it will some how all be dirty again. 

I am not sure why this is but its a cold hard fact in my household ... which is when I steam mop ( which is the non lazy/ swifter version of mopping) every single time we end up having rice with our dinner and then rice gets all over my floors... its a vicious cycle and I have no idea how it keeps repeating itself. 

The earlier my kids get ready the faster they WILL get dirty. 

Any time I get something special or just specifically for me within twenty four hours it will somehow be broken, smashed, lost, or modified. ( not because I have horrible children its just a very weird coincidence) 

There will ALWAYS be a small cup of milk hiding behind something larger in the fridge so when you move the large item it will always spill the milk. 

No matter how many times I change my shirt within ten minuets usually it will have something food or body fluid related on it. 

My looks will get commented on at least one time during the day maybe good maybe bad but always honest. 

I could keep going but its getting late and I just realized that the dogs I let in my house have muddy feet ....(insert crying face here) 

Some things we just have to accept and embrace. Me having dirty floors is one of those things. 

Live.Laugh.Love 

Twenty Seven Blessings

Well it happened ...I am now officially twenty seven years old and I can't help but feel excited. I feel like a grown up for like the first time in my life. It's awesome. 

Also I never have any idea why I title my blogs the way that I do....Just some info for your reading pleasure.

Anyway back to this blog, I love my birthday ( should birthday be capitalized? I always feel like it should.)

I blame my family mostly because together they always worked to make my birthday amazingly special, whether with perfectly timed birthday cards, huge surprise packages, flowers, or loving phone calls and messages. They always found ways to make me feel loved. Ironically enough, I married a man who could really care less about birthday's so every year its super fun to see how crazy I can make him. 

 This year really was the best birthday I think that I have ever had. It was amazing and wonderful and I feel incredibly loved by my family and friends and most of all from my Father in Heaven he is perfect in every way and I love the little things he does to show how much he cares. 

Here are some highlights from the day

Kailey drew me this first thing in the morning after which she re examined her work and said " oh man, I should have made your nose bigger"..........

Free Coffee!!! Bless the Lord Oh My Soul

My Grandma sent me this perfectly timed birthday card with this perfectly timed scripture. God is so amazing with this stuff. 

 Jose came home with some beautiful flowers and chocolates.
As much as I would have loved to do nothing all day, we did have some gardening we had to get done.

But seriously, what a gorgeous day to be in the yard.

Jose took me out to dinner, somewhere we haven't been before. They make some kind of heavenly home made chip deliciousness that made me want to honestly ask for a to go box of only chips. 

This drink was not on their menu...obviously it being my birthday I couldn't have that. So I asked them to please please please make me a virgin Pena Calada. To which they responded...

 I have this crazy obsession with scenic views especially when a storm rolls in, so Jose being super sweet took me on a drive to see as much of it as we could. We live in such a gorgeous place.

We ended the day with my favorite cake...so this really was the perfect day!!

Dark Places and Bright Faces

I never really know how to start my blogs, being totally honest. I don't know the best way to draw in a reader or create a picture in your mind about what is happening in my world. Then I realized that mostly I blog for myself so it doesn't really matter how its started. My blogs are just some of the random thoughts that spill onto the computer screen anyway, so no big deal. 

Now that the dreaded" beginning" is over we can move on...

Lately I have had this really strange feeling inside of me. Its a feeling of inadequacy and one of "not enough" whether that's not enough time in the word, or not enough exercise, not enough genuine time in worship, not enough quality time with my kids, not enough reaching out to others, my house isn't clean enough, my laundry inst done enough,  me jeans don't fit well enough....(sigh)  a lot of not enough in my life. 

I have to fight against these thoughts on a regular basis...like every day, all day. 

As most moms know whether your out in the work field or in the home, your thought life rules and controls your mood. ( Most of the Time) So if your thoughts are constantly on how you are not doing enough, or        ( insert my crazy long list of not enough's here) then you can slip into this dangerous thought pattern that takes that crazy long lists of "not enough" and merge it all into one constant thought; " I am not enough"   I I....am.....not......enough....

This thought begins slowly in my brain as I go through the day ...the thought goes unchallenged and unchecked. 

The next day the thought seems to resurface a few more times and then slowly in nearly every circumstance there is one thought that I am screaming inside " I AM NOT ENOUGH" 

I begin to plug in this common denominator into my children...I am not enough for you kids

I begin to pour into my friendships ...." I am not enough for you friend" 

I begin to pour into my housework....." House I am not enough for you" 

And then worst of all I say it to God during the few moments I am now giving him...

" I am not enough for you God" 

Slowly but surely this thought pattern goes on like a stupid song that you can't get out of your head.

What's worse is that because you can't seem to find anything that you can be enough for, you then begin this downward spiral into self pity and consume yourself with the little things of little to no substance that don't remind you of the lack in your life. For me these insignificant things tend to be media related, tv shows or movies. ( I am not saying watching these things are bad! For me right now I realize its a crutch) 

So instead of healthy balance in my life, the one show I squeeze in for the day ( which is like nothing compared to some benders I have been on ) becomes a source of guilt. 

For a few days I have been confronting these thoughts, totally unaware of how they were controlling my life. 

It has been through small little things that remind me of His promises and the truth. 

Sunday my Pastor talked about the woman with the issue of blood and how she knew Jesus would be enough for her. That thought slowly seeped into the crevices and dark places that have invaded my spirit. 

Then a few days later I met with a dear and amazing friend who began to say how the only thing she knows for sure with different circumstances in her life is that Jesus is enough....

It again began to etch away at the hard places of my heart. 

Today it finally hit me

I began mopping my DISGUSTING floors like really bad and seriously over due floors. 

The stuff on these floors could probably be examined in a lab. 

So I began mopping and scrubbing these hard and sticky places, some of them harder to scrub then others. 

I have a rather large kitchen floor, so this took a while. 

At one point I began to think of myself as one of those spots on the floor and God the one with the mop just trying to scrub the dirty out of me and rather frustrated with how fast I got dirty again. 

This thought began to bring tears to my eyes as I noticed that I was scrubbing harder than I probably needed to. 

My heart was open before the Lord and I began to cry with how sticky and dirty I felt spiritually and how I feel like I should be able to stay a little cleaner than this with my " maturity" level. 

I literally felt like I could hear the Lord laugh at me, which broke me. 

I could feel him asking me to speak the truth over myself , so I did. 

I began to speak over my life that I didn't need to be enough because my Jesus is always enough. 

He is enough in my children 

He is enough in my friendships 

He is enough in my home 

He is enough in ME 

And lastly the most difficult declaration...but the most needed. 

I managed to whisper ......" I am enough for Him" 

To anyone reading who is struggling in this area, You are enough for him. 

Your dirty, sticky, often messy self is enough for the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. 

Embrace it! 

P.S- I have no idea why I titled this Dark Places and Bright Faces...I just liked it :) 

Four Years and Fight My Love

It has been almost four years since I said "I do" to the man I married.

The road has been more than a little bumpy that's for sure. 

It's been more like "rock slide" warnings and avalanche zone's but either way here we are still on this road and surviving it.  

Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been all bad in fact quite the opposite; along with those rock slide's and avalanche warnings, we also have had lots of scenic views and frequent stops to smell the roses. 

I know there are other couples far more tenured in this game of marriage but for what it's worth I have a found a few quirky things that help my marriage run smooth or just help me stay sane. 

My husband has certain buttons that I tend to mentally color coordinate in my mind. 

I have learned to masterfully maneuver his buttons to prevent a massive explosion....sometimes. There are times that I will intentionally hit all of his buttons at once like a monkey on a keyboard and everything just blows up in my face, but at least I am expecting it. 

I know it will seem super weird to most people who read this and don't worry I am fully aware of how strange it is but my husband and I really mostly argue about one major thing and that is usually the teeny tiny details of our faith. There are other topics that will get us going but I would say eighty five percent of the time its some type of spiritual debate. This is mostly because my husband knows my emotional buttons as well and exactly which ones to press to get me into a debate. 

How we handle these (mostly immature) debates is slightly hilarious I mean once you realize that you are in a heated debate about angels and the first official sin, you then realize all sanctification on the topic is lost in the "arguing" and not exactly loving part of the discussion. 

Another silly thing that I have realized now being married for a few years is my fight language. Everyone has a particular "go to" thing they do when they are angry. Some people slam doors, others sulk in silence, I tend to throw things to release aggression. After destroying a cell phone, laptop, and a variety of other random house hold objects we both realized that my fight language was making us poor very quickly. So over the years I learned a new language, but every now and then that throwing sensation will surface. For example tonight, we had a disagreement over something that was purchased ( with out my knowledge) my anger hit a boiling point and when Jose left the room and the girls were in the bath, I totally reached for something to throw. Now financially aware of the consequences of my actions, I was careful to choose my object. I ended up with a hollowed out chocolate egg in my hand left over from Easter, I was carefully surveying which wall I wanted to smash it against when the egg slipped from my hands and shattered on the to the floor into a million pieces. That very moment Jose walked back in and saw a million chocolate pieces around my feet and laughed, his face revealed that he knew exactly what happened ( by now he knows me better than I care to admit) My fight language is clearly rusty so, to lash out in another immature way I turned to my other "go to" fight move; stealing his socks. 

Yes I am aware of how corny this sounds but my husband is super particular about his "good" work socks. They are comfy and soft and warm and everything I wanted in that moment, so I did it. I opened his sock drawer and stole a pair of these coveted socks and tucked my pajama pants into them so he could see my rebellious move as I walked into the living room. 

You see after four years of marriage our fights don't really get more mature, they do get less frequent but not any where near maturity. I have another totally horrible "go to" fighting move and its super embarrassing. I hide stuff. This one really works for anyone I'm angry at, sadly I never fully recovered from being a child so when I get really mad at someone I will hide something that is super important to them. I do it so discretely that there is no way they will ever know I did it, except my husband totally knows this move and if he asks me point blank I crack under pressure every time. 

I know this sounds immature and silly and at this point your asking yourself "how on earth are these quirks to surviving you marriage?" But see these little "fighting" quirks are honestly what keep our marriage alive. If you enter a marriage thinking neither one of you are ever allowed to be mad or angry especially if its because you are both Christians then you will end up with an explosion so huge you may not recover from it. 

It's kind of like earthquakes, you need several small movements to release the pressure of the plates to prevent a huge build up ( actually I have no clue I'm totally making this part up but it sounds good so Im going with it) either way it is a good thing in marriage to have funny little stupid things like a "fighting language" and knowing your "go to" method of fighting and in some cases revenge. 

I must say through all the ridiculous and the serious fights I've had with this man I would most definitely still go back and say I do again a million times over again.

The word says "He who finds a wife finds a GOOD thing" it doesn't say it will be an easy thing you find.. So as I approach another year with this man I pledged to spend my life with, I am excited with the idea of more quirky arguments and silly fights that will fill our fourth year of marriage. Hopefully this year I will grow out of some of my more childish tactics and finally get some grown up ones. 

Happy Anniversary a little early....

Easter Eagerness

Easter

A day of remembrance and thankfulness and also a day that family comes together and celebrates the goodness that was shown to us from our Heavenly Father. We usually celebrate with activities like egg hunts, and big ham dinners, going to church on Easter morning. All of these things are fun and memorable but I just wonder why on earth we make these holidays so difficult?

I mean who invented Easter egg dying? I am sure I could actually research that for myself, I am just being lazy so no need to actually answer. Seriously though Easter egg dying is the worst thing ever invented , sure its fun for a few memorable moments then its over and your left with this gigantic mess on the table of random colors and sparkles. It seems that no matter how much newspaper you put down and no matter how old your kids are there is always way more work going into Easter egg dying then there is with the reward of finding them. I mean once you hide all these boiled eggs, the kids usually just stare at the egg and then throw it away. Every year this is my experience, no matter how many times you tell them to save the eggs so that you can make a crazy huge batch of egg salad. 

Then there is the whole wardrobe situation on Easter Sunday. Its like regular dresses aren't the right kind of dresses for Easter, the kids need "Easter Dresses" which apparently are more springish and fluffy. I just want to know if this requirement of "Easter Dressing" applies for adults as well? Then there is this requirement of some Easter meal.....I will just keep my thoughts on this to myself. I understand the being with family aspect but my experience by the time you clean up all the food you cooked for "family time" there is usually a ton of work for the hostess. I know I sound like a negative nancy but really I think I am just an exhausted mother rebelling against the "system" of suggested traditions. 

So this year I will not be wearing an Easter dress to church. 

My children will wear what they have been gifted

We are not dying eggs

The girls will hunt plastic eggs

We may have left overs for dinner

This right here is my kind of Easter. 

I want to soak in the goodness of the day, the day that my Savior defeated death forever and changed the game for all eternity. I have finally reached the point that everything else is quite insignificant in comparison to what we are "celebrating." 

So to all my mothers out there who are tired and feeling anxious about Easter, give yourself a break and take a few shortcuts ( if you feel like you need to) I do realize there a few amazing mothers I know personally who love a good challenge and Easter Sunday could run smoothly because of her amazing scheduling skills. My skills don't run that deep so the shortcuts I need. 

I also need grace, being a mother is difficult and especially during a holiday where others seem to be watching and critiquing. Remember that the whole purpose of this holiday is to celebrate the fact that Jesus set us FREE so embrace that freedom this Easter and take a shortcut or two. 

Blessings 

Ashley