As a family we usually pray together as the bigger girls are about to go to bed and every night we usually pray for people or families that we know that are facing really difficult circumstances and then we thank the Lord for how good he has been to our family.It hit me the other night as we were praying that it had been a long time since we have had to pray for our own family as in Jose and I and the girls.
After we went to bed I layed awake and just thought about how good God had been to us and how blessed I was to have Jose as the leader of
my home and the leader of my heart.
Now I am not sharing this to show you how awesome my family is or anything like that but instead I want to share with you a true moment of testing for me. Something that I am actually still in and still battling with.
Isn't it funny sometimes that as soon as we begin to think something that very thing happens or changes? Not to say that it changed simply because I realized it had been that way and now suddenly it wasn't going to be anymore.
In fact I think it's just the opposite, I think that God is so good and faithful in loving us that he gives us moments to notice how amazing things are in our life in a way to sustain us through the next storm.
The next few days felt a little different than the ones before, it felt almost as though heavy rain was hitting us so to speak, rain that usually preludes a much larger storm to come. It had been honestly so long since I had been in a raging storm that I felt like I didn't even know where to begin. I have had my fair share of storms hit my life but the storm is entirely different when the storm isn't about you..but about someone you love.
Suddenly it felt like my world was spinning out of control.. suddenly out of nowhere the strongest man alive the man that holds my heart in his hands, that has been strong enough to handle all of my past storms was now seemingly weak. His back has now hit a point where he can't even do odd jobs around the house he can barely sit in our dining room chairs because it's too painful. Every moment I see him hold his back I would simultaneously hold my breath. As a stay at home mom I do my share of holding things together but he holds me together so I felt like I was entering into unknown territory.
I have never cared more for anyone on this planet as much as I care for my husband..its strange there is an entirely different level of love that comes from being a mother and that I have for my children but the connection I share with Jose is different. This person that I can't imagine my life with out was now showing signs of weakness and I was just not used to it. I am not used to hearing him talk about having trouble doing his job. He has always loved his job so much and took pride in giving it his best. I am not used to things changing and most of all I am not used to uncertainty.
Roughly around the same time he noticed a mole growing on his stomach and I of course as the wife nagged him like crazy about getting it checked out..but like a man he just ignored it. Finally I noticed a very significant discoloration in the mole and finally I checked online to see if I could find one example that matched... and I did. It matched one that was closest to melanoma, trying not to get into fear I just rebuked the computer screen and walked away (naturally) lol
Then I called and made an appointment for my husband.
So on that we wait...
I don't know what tomorrow brings, I have no way of knowing what will happen with my husbands job and our only source of income. He may be forced with switching departments which could lead to an entire new area of uncertainty with scheduling, he may be forced to completely leave this job that he has had for nearly seven years.
The beauty of this place that I have found myself in, is that I don't get to control what is going on... I get to trust that God know's what he is doing.
He knows what he is doing in my heart and my husbands and what he is doing in our daughters ...
My storm may just beginning but I have decided that we will not sink....we will not drown.
I love the lyrics in this song.. I feel like it fits our situation so well.
" When the day of Trouble finds me, In the cleft of the Almighty is where I will be.
When my enemies surround me, you will keep me safe in your dwelling
Though war break out against me I will war like an anchor at sea and be strong in the war with the enemy
Though war break out against me I will make war in the waiting."
I feel like shouting this song over and over again, over my house and over my family because it will become our creed in this time of uncertainty and unknowing.I am writing this blog to remind myself that as the storm increases and things may get more difficult I can read back over these thoughts and I can declare that I chose to stand and not falter and that those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength and mount up on wings like eagles and soar!
