Throwing Dirt

             I realized the other day that my blogs lack serious coolness and relativity. I read a few "cool" blogs about design's and cooking things people had created or redone themselves and suddenly I was left feeling insignificant. As if my little commentaries about my wacky, random thoughts were totally lame compared to these "get to it" women. This is totally not a pity thing, please don't bombard my email with well wishing and "oh don't worry, your still awesome" emails. Because I am ok..I got over my self and realized that it is what it is and if I want to change it then I can..I just have to get to it and become crafty and all those things that take time and effort and honestly just give me nightmares thinking about it with a one year old walking around.

       So now that were all aware of the obvious..that my blog isnt going to be as awesome as some of the others that you have read, I think we can move on and discuss what this blog is really about.

Basically, I read this amazing quote the other day that has just really stuck with me..mainly because I am a visual learner and things that create a story in my head stick better.

                                             "He who throws dirt loses ground." -Unknown

So simple and basic. Right?!

Why is this very basic principle so hard to live by? I recently have found myself on this journey of desperately wanting to learn to love people in a real way, a deep very non fake and plastic way.

Growing up I felt like I picked up a few bad habits from people not that it was their fault, it was my fault for creating a character collage in my head of all these different mannerisms. Fake it until you Make it was a mantra for my life for a really really long time....like a long time.

When you walk a certain path that is well lit with scrutiny and judgement you basically tattoo this mantra onto your heart.

Every interaction becomes fake and totally un real and un true. I wont show you who I am because I don't want to get hurt, so I will distance my self as far away from you as I can and in the process I began to lose ground from all the dirt I began to throw to cover up what was really going on with me.

I was apart of an exclusive club only my sign read "NO ONE ALLOWED"

Yeah that got me not very far in my life, so it's time to chop that clubhouse down and use the scraps for firewood because I am choosing to stand my ground and stop throwing dirt. I will dig my heels in and honestly, truly choose to figure people out and allow my heart to be seen.
                                          GULP

Yes that was the sound of me trying to swallow my pride.

Its an awkward process but thankfully I can do all things through Christ who strengthen's me and I have a feeling I am going to need a lot of strength in this next season..

I will yell  " BRING IT" to this storm of uncomfortable and lonely feelings coming my way.

When you stop throwing dirt ..you become totally vulnerable to having dirt thrown at you.

Guess its time to love the taste of dirt because I am doing this. I am all in. Prepare yourself for a very lovey dovey Ashley from now on...once I figure out what that looks like that is... haha and PLEASE hold me accountable to it. The last thing I want to be is a hypocrite so if you see me throwing dirt or faking it just yell at me " Stop trying to build your own clubhouse Ashley"!!!

I will give 5 bucks to anyone who has the guts to do that if they truly see me doing it. Rebecca Ball is excluded from this offer.

Mama Seriously Needs a Time Out Today!

                    Today may have actually taken all of my energy already.. and currently it's only 11:05 am .so that is saying alot

I am not totally sure what exactly happened but I had planned on today being awesome because it was Kaitlin's official first day of Kindergarten with all of the other kindergartner's. 

I began my morning waking up half an hour late due to what possibly the worst dream I have ever had in my life. So I jumped out of bed only to find that my neck felt like it wasn't exactly attached..so that was fun. 

I was congested and sounded like I had a golf ball in my throat as I am trying to yell at the girls to get ready. 

In all my " pre planning" I hadn't actually picked out anyone's clothes the night before and since my two amazing girls have quite the opinion these days about what they wear I knew we were already headed for a fight. 

Kaitlin kept trying to get my attention and finally I looked at her and noticed her eye was puffy and 3 times the size it was the night before due to a stupid bug bite she got while  in Wal Mart. 

                 SIGH 

So I had to calm her down for about ten minuets convincing her that once we get her some medicine it will be better.

Yeah...that would have worked except we were completely out of Benadryl...

Fifteen Minuets later we managed to get to the kitchen where I prepared breakfast for THREE hungry girls..which is a task in case you haven't tried it. MOMS with more mouths to feed in the morning my hat is off to you! 

I am now running like a crazy woman trying to get in the shower because we have to stop at the store before school to get some more benadryl. 

I noticed that it just happens to be a very serious laundry day for me and I basically have nothing to wear except for "laundry day clothes" ...yay 

By the time I get out and get "ready" which is throwing some clothes on I notice its already 8:20..school starts at 9 am. 

So any thoughts of trying to apply makeup or run a brush through my sopping wet hair was out of the question. 

The girls finally got their teeth brushed ..I managed to wrestle some clothes on to Naomi ..couldn't find her shoes though..naturally. 

We manage to get out of the house by 8:40...

I threw a sweatshirt on to even out my odds at how ridiculous I looked..we run to walgreens,  and again I am getting two out of three kids out of car seats to run through the store to get one thing. Seriously WHY must every store have a member number that must be entered before paying..don't they know I don't have enough hands to spare to enter the number?!

We manage to get to the school its exactly 9 am. We are literally RUNNING across the lawn into school backpacks flying. Barefoot baby on my hip..I am sure I made some moms talk. 

I am clearly sweating by the time I get to the kindergarten gym.

My daughter is swept away with all the other kindergartner's I inform the teacher of Kaitlin's puffy eye predicament but re assure her that I gave her bendaryl..

Her teacher looked at me weird and said "well I sure hope she doesn't fall asleep"

SLAP HEAD HERE

Seriously? How could I not think about that. Oh well she only goes for like 2 hours how sleepy could she get right?

I am about ready to leave this nightmare and get home and get out of the OVEN that I was wearing..

BUT of course I was so late that I walked right into the "BOO Breakfast" which is a parental forum for kindergarten parents...

So I am sweaty in "laundry day clothes" have a shoe less baby on my hip and am now in front of several parents enjoying coffee..

SO of course they told me to please take a seat..and enjoy the next HALF HOUR forum..

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

No stroller ..Naomi had NO shoes...I had no Oxygen at this point....

But naturally I stayed..I didn't want to be "that mom" ...

Naomi managed to throw every single piece of fruit off of my plate and nearly spill my coffee but other than that the forum was actually quite helpful. 

That was my morning. 

The only good part of this whole thing 

 

was that the coffee they served was OFF THE CHART DELICIOUS .....but at this point I would say MAMA most definitely needs a time out. 

Does It Ever Get Easier?

 Back to School...all summer long I have been waiting and waiting for this. 

Well it's here and I am only three days into "back to school" and I think I am failing at it. 

Not sure if that is possible but I certainly don't feel like I am succeeding at being a "back to school" mom.

All summer while I had a billion and one projects to do with the girls including catching up on their home school studies, going to the library, park dates, turning on the sprinklers,turning off the sprinklers, reading books, help them clean their room, ....sigh......

All summer all I could think about was how many actual things I could accomplish in the fall..once the girls went back to school. 

However, as I mentioned earlier we are only three days into this and it is not going as expected....at all. I realize this blog is of course a bit premature. That doesn't mean that I am not struggling and seriously going through something. This is my very first experience with being a parent of someone in the public school system and I am finding out very quickly that I am reeling out of control. 

See when you home school your children there are certain privileges you get to molding your young one's mind in all things good and educational. I was in complete control of her language skills and math facts so I knew where she was with it at all times. 

Now that I am no longer in control of these things I found out that I have turned into something I never thought that I would actually be. I have turned into "THAT MOM"

Which has prevented me from enjoying my much anticipated "back to school" time.

If you are even a little bit controlling as a mother you may know what I am talking about. When we went to meet my daughters teacher I had already done all of my homework (well all that was provided, which was one sheet of paper) about this new person in my daughters life that would be controlling her educational future. 

I was a bit frustrated with her lack of serious concern for my many questions on the first day. I thought that would pass and I was probably just getting ahead of myself and that ALL of my questions would be answered once school actually started. 

So I waited and became almost more eager than my daughter as I awaited the first day take home packet. 

Which I thought for sure would provide all the pick up drop off details that I needed for my daughter as well as an ENTIRE itinerary on what my daughter would be learning throughout the day ( yes I do need to know what time of day my daughter is in P.E or music class) I figured it would also give me all the up to date security measures that have been improved since the Connecticut incident. I knew it would include the info on how many people were on duty on recess and exactly what happens at lunch time like how many classes would be there with her or is it just her class that eats together and what do they do after lunch?

Alas..the time came and I opened the packet and it was flimsy and weak..full of questions for me to give them and things I have already given them! There were a few things mentioned on security and pick up zones. But nothing nearly as in depth as I thought that it would be and NOTHING about what my daughter was learning throughout the day. 

I am not getting the info I need from my 7 year old as I pepper her with questions about her day.She simply tells me about the fun parts but nothing actually about her math or language lessons..sigh... 

 I found out that we don't have conferences until November...NOVEMBER that is 3 months from now..what if my daughter is struggling horribly in math for 3 months and I wont know until then.... GASP.... 

This whole thing is entirely much harder than I ever thought it would be. I am most certainly not the take it easy let go not worried mom as I most definitely thought that I was. My only question at this point ( since ive asked all of the other ones) is does it ever get easier?

Because at this point I may go INSANE and put a nanny cam on my daughters shirt to get the info I need....that actually isn't a bad idea...wait oh my gosh see....out of control! 

Second Grade ..

As my oldest daughter is about to commence into a new year of her childhood it begins to make me think of my own. These memories just flashed back from when I was seven years old and entering second grade.

What really worried me was that I remembered second grade...all of it.

I think as parents sometimes we can let things slide that would leave a bad impression in someway on our kids just with the thought that they would be to young to remember. Throughout the early years of my two eldest daughter's lives that has been my go to thought. They wont remember these bad things because they are too young. Really it has been my sanity and in some cases in those rare dark moments what has held me together.

But now that all has changed.. my oldest daughter will be walking through a set of school doors tomorrow that she will indeed remember. She will remember her teacher and her classroom and her friends and even her first real crush.

I guess what is really messing with my mind are the thoughts of my own experience of second grade.

My second grade year was maybe the worst year of my life and it really wasn't anyone's fault I mean who knew that in the course of one year I would have to move in with my father for the first time in my life away from my mother and be secretly subjected to a horror movie from my next door neighbor and tortured almost daily by Adam who sat next to me in class who just had to check out those gross disgusting horror books from the library. He would keep the book open on the desk that we shared...flipping pages constantly telling me to look at it. The images in those books should never have been allowed in a public library and my innocent 7 year old eyes should have never had to see it.

I was way to scared to say anything ..this kid teased me enough at recess. It was a new school and I didn't have any friends as it was.

My poor dad had no idea how to handle the night terrors that plagued me that ENTIRE year. I didn't know until I was older but my dad almost had me committed to an institution. I remember not sleeping...ever. Because when I went to shut my eyes bad things happened to me...very bad things.

I don't watch horror movies because what people don't understand is that what is happening in them is real...all of it.

My dad had to hire a dozen or so babysitters to stay up with me all night because at the time he was a cop who worked night shift. Every night...they stayed up with me..well most of them. Some of them were way to tired to handle the likes of me but as long as they let me keep the light on I was fine.

That year changed my life in many ways. As as adult I am healthy and free from that fear that plagued me but you wont see me even watch a trailer to a new horror movie coming out.

These memories flood my mind as I think of my precious daughter entering school. All I can do is trust and pray that there wont be an Adam in her class like there was in mine..one that liked to torture me.

My daughters are made of pure steel so the good news is even if there is an Adam in any of their classes I feel for them. My girls know how to handle themselves and for that I am truly thankful.

I am praying for all the second graders this year who will walk through school doors tomorrow because one thing is for sure...they will remember it.