When I say "work" I most definitely mean WORK...
I am pretty sure I have talked about how God is challenging me to grow up and love anyway with people. It has it's ups and downs but for the most part in the end it has been all warm and fuzzy. Soooo when I was challenged this evening with this task of "growing up and loving anyway" I didn't like it as much as the other times. I know that sounds weird, because anytime you have to love anyway that usually implies that there is a lack of love somewhere in the mix. So I shouldn't really like it ever ... but this particular situation was just different and I have been trying to figure out why.
I think I have narrowed it down and the results are not pretty, but they are enlightening which is why I am blogging about it...just in case you were wondering.
So the other few times that I have been in this situation the person that I was having to love anyway was always someone that I wanted to love me back. I wanted the relationship to work out, I would love anyway until this person would figure it out and then we would be back to normal and happy again.
Tonight I was challenged with loving a person anyway.. and I am being totally honest here.. I didn't want to love this person because I didn't want this relationship to really work out. Oyyyyyyy that just made me sound horrible.
I am trying to be totally honest .. not sure why but seriously if I talk about what really happened its big time gossip and I am not down for that, so I would rather blog vaguely about what is seriously happening in my heart. I am not proud at all of what is happening inside it, honestly I had no clue it was possible for my heart to feel this way.
So here I am faced with this horrible reality, I was sitting in my living room speaking "freely" about how I was totally justified in not liking this person and not forgiving them because of ALL the things that they have done to me. My amazing husband just sat there in silence laughing quietly he knew that if he allowed me to just talk enough that I eventually would come to the conclusion that I was wrong...way wrong.
When I realized that I didn't actually want to grow up and love anyway, I wanted to withdraw and hide and forget about this person for the rest of my life, our interactions could simply be cold and quick, I mean I have already apologized so I have every right to feel this way..right?!?
Sadly...wrongo.. Big time
I hated the cold hard truth which is even with the people that aren't as close to me or the ones that seem to be of a different breed..the one's I don't know as well, even with them I have to love anyway. Real love which unfortunately is not self seeking. I have been wronged, but maybe somehow I wasn't perfect either and maybe just maybe my pastor who just preached this message on Sunday had a point when he said there ARE life giving relationships that we need to fight for. They may not be the most comfortable thing in the world and this is the first time that I am fighting for someone I barely know. I am believing this person just may be worth the fight..as hard as it is and as unfair as it seems I will take this challenge and I will grow up and love anyway.
