Thankful for Spring!

I love spring! Spring is everything beautiful and perfect. Summer usually is my go to season, but the excitement I have this year cannot be contained. I began to see, that my life is so much like spring. Especially Central Oregon spring, there are days that its rainy and ugly. But there are days that are beautiful and you can begin to see change. As I began to look around  at all the change and newness that is coming forth I began to be taken back to another spring nearly 5 years ago, when I began to live again. But to go back to that spring, you have to understand, where I was spiritually, physically and emotionally.

The book of Job was my favorite book in the bible, still is. Job was the Man. In my eyes there was no one to his equal in all the bible (besides Jesus) he understood what genuine happiness was and he knew what joy it was to serve the Lord. He knew what joy, accomplishment, and trust in the Lord felt like. He also knew what it was like to lose all of that and to be brought so low that death was a welcome thought.

                                     ~~~
" What Strength do I have, that I should still hope? What prospects, that I should be patient?-Job 6:11

This is what I felt in my heart after falling..
Falling from grace, is such a painful feeling. To be serving in the father's house one moment and then next to be eating pig slop just to stay alive. Once the heart begins to feel the weight and shame of living outside of God's will and plan, it is so heavy that it's all you can do but physically hide from the spiritual and emotional things that you are feeling.  I felt this, after getting pregnant for the second time outside of marriage. The shame that I wore and clothed myself with nearly killed me, and at one point...almost my child. The darkest of dark thoughts entered my mind, God, grace and everything I once leaned upon were gone now. I breathed in and lived in this new era of shame and disgrace. I had no strength left that I would try to still hope and I had no dreams that I would actually wait for them. Especially my dream of happily ever after. My dream was to have a husband that loved God and was a mighty man who was strong but could be gentle and that would love me forever. Since my fall from grace I had dreamed that my husband would adopt my children, and we would be a happy family.
But how could I deserve this beautiful dream? Well I certainly didn't believe that I did, so I gave in and compromise became my new lifestyle.
I will never forget that Spring that Jose came into my life, it had only been 14 months after the darkest spring of my life. He walked and talked Jesus. He oozed everything I ever dreamed of in a man. But there I was falling in love with this perfect dream, and I was broken and had given up on dreaming.
I love that my defeat didn't stop God's plan.
In my opinion I didn't deserve a man like Jose, but what I didn't know was that he had already put in a request for me long ago. In high school, this man had fallen in love with my wreck-less love for Jesus and specifically prayed for a wife just like me.  I love that God promises to complete the good work that he has started in us. Although that spring all those years later, I wasn't that passionate Jesus pursuer I was in High school, but this man had come to claim his prize. The second I knew Jose wanted me, broken and torn apart as I was, he wanted me, I jumped into the arms of grace and second chances. I love that my love story is the story God has for each and every one of us. Titus 3:5 says he saved us not because of what we did right, but because he is good and has mercy for us.

I love that it will never because of how good we are.This new spring all these years later, I am on solid ground with Jesus and not shifting in the sand. Spring will always hold a special place in my heart, it truly is when all dead things begin to live again, and all the  undeserving begin to accept and believe  To this day, I fall more in love with my husband every day. I fall in love how he fathers our children, yes he did adopt our two older girls and with out me asking. He directs me to Jesus when I feel confused, and holds my heart in his rough over worked hands. We aren't perfect but we allow our God to unfold our paths before him. He is completing his story in us, and we take every step by faith. For now I am just happy and unconditionally thankful for spring!

Placement Value

         I have decided that I am going to take this blogging opportunity to basically use this as a journal entry of sorts. I seriously miss that about grade school, I loved having journal time. Since I only have one follower this should be fairly easy as far as transparency goes lol. 

  ~One thing God has been doing lately has been challenging my obedience. Every day feels like a new day to try and figure this whole thing out. I know that his mercies are new everyday and on that I rely. 

I struggle with placement value.. I know your thoughts immediately went to math lol no I struggle with my placement value in the sense that in the body of Christ my place or where my placement is and my value. I am not sure why I feel so off with my place, but sure enough everything I get into even down to praying out loud feels like I am doing something wrong. Like I am constantly being critiqued and weighed on how well I am doing. I am sure my time at T-Mobile didnt do me any favors.
~ So I knew I needed to make some changes, a friend of mine recommended this book, " The Root of Rejection" by Joyce Meyer, So far I am loving it and hating it. I am forced to face the things that have kept my excuses up and my walls "guarding" me. If you read my last post you know that walls and security is a big thing to me.

The truth is, I do have a root of rejection I believe it began really young and just worsened in my massive awkward phase. I love this book because in it she talks about what the word "Secure" means in the Greek. It means to have "FULL COMMAND" in this she talks about how we have a blood bought right to have full command. Which means I can lead my life with out fear or anxiety of what other people will think. 

It helps me realize that I have value in what ever placement I may have in the body of Christ, and I bring Value! It's a process but I am excited to try and walk out this work that he is beginning in me. I know it may not be easy but I believe that he holds keys to unlock these chains of "people pleasing" that have been bound around me for so long.I still have a long way to go in the book, but after some break through yesterday, I look forward to the new things in store for today.

Catching up with my heart

I have written a few blogs over the last few years, but clearly I don't really know how to keep up with it. Honestly I believe it's because I don't truly know how to express myself. I still get caught up in a game of fear with myself where any sign of weakness is a sign that your not trusting God.
I have been through some judgments in my past that may have help mold me into some pretend stereotype Christian. I long to be real, and safe with people. I am having to confront the fact that I don't truly feel like I have found a single person save maybe 2 that I can honestly trust. Real trust, like spill my guts with all of my weakness and secrets as messy as it may be and know with all of my heart that that person will not give me up to anyone.
That my weaknesses will never be able to be used against me. I find that in my every day life and even in my church I am so tirelessly guarded  I have been hurt time and time again by "friends" who give up my secrets and even my dreams. I have such a hard time being around people that constantly put themselves and their dreams above others, I am realizing that I am a bit gun shy with this. I will fake until I make it with 90% of the people that I meet.
It's so hard sometimes to be married to such a strong person like Jose, he is never shaken. The term "water off of a duck's back" was branded after him. I am like a tender flower ready to fall apart and he is like this strong fortress holding me together. It makes it difficult thought because it is so much to live up to. Sometimes I want to just fall apart and actually catch up with what my heart is feeling. Instead of feeling so guilty for feeling betrayed, and hurt and abandoned. I hate gossip, I hate the lives it destroys and I hate as hard as I disparately try to stay away from it, it usually finds me and then blames me for the whole conversation  So, because of this I am even more guarded than ever before. Most of the time I feel like I am a ticking time bomb ready to go off, I have such a packed schedule with the girls and balancing ministry that I honestly feel like I don't have time to feel what I am really feeling and that eventually the hurt will leave but one more stone of suspicion and caution is added to my heart. As Christians I know that we desire to be there for each other but for some reason we take the scripture "bear one another's burdens, and Judge a tree by its fruit" tangled and then tear each other apart. Something I genuinely never want to confuse, so for now I am just trying to catch up with my heart and let it heal when I can.