Zero to Crazy in less than Sixty Seconds!

This hunger is just so intense, its so hard to do anything else right now except push in even further than I ever have before. The things that used to fill this time slot in my life just aren't working right now, I must have more of Jesus. Its getting late and sleep is calling me!
Suddenly its early and I feel like I just fell asleep, but up, up I go.
Its dark outside and the Christmas lights create an unreal glow that awkwardly makes me even more sleepy. But here I am kissing my husband goodbye as he disappears into the freezing cold. The door shuts and all I want is my bed back.
But there it is again...that hunger. It has never been this intense in all of my life. So with my eyes heavy I push forward and push into him. Terrified to wake any of the three sleeping beauties in the house I whisper prayers and have worship playing so quite that I am not actually sure if its playing or if its in my head. There I sit 4 am in bed praying and worshiping  with daddy God.

Out of no where there is an incredibly ugly noise nagging at me to leave my bed..beeps and beeps and somehow seems to be getting louder....wait...how did I fall asleep? I was pushing into God and I fell asleep... suddenly that time Jesus asked his disciples if they could just stay awake and pray with him for an hour flashed in my head. Epic fail... screaming comes from the kitchen. Not only had I fallen asleep but I was now late waking up. The girls are fighting over who sat in "the chair" last... who knows what is so magical about this chair but it seems to keep them arguing nearly every meal.
I feel ...tired...more than tired..I feel completely undone.
Here I am desperate to make coffee but its a new package and my fingers don't seem to be working, do I dare use the scissors?
Then the horrible realization sets in that I forgot a child in her crib who now appears to be screaming at me and I have to make these small people breakfast.
Food...walking...preparing....
My brain has clearly left me and since its Friday I feel like giving the kids cereal yet again would just be torture... which ..don't even ask me why.
So I decide to make smoothie shakes for everyone...including the baby.
Don't even ask how that mess turned out.
How on earth do I feel like I have been standing over a fire with my eyes wide open all night...
The baby is trying out her new dinosaur screeching sounds as loudly as she can.
The seven year old that has a heart the size of Texas is informing me of her can drive and taking out half of my cupboard stock putting it on the floor. Which I then managed to trip over...
The five year old is bringing out every necklace that I own asking which one looks good on her.
How on earth was it only three hours ago that I was in this remarkable place of peace and harmony with Jesus? How do I go from 0 to crazy in 60 seconds?
As I sit here and ponder this crazy thing we call life all I can think of is how God must be laughing at this whole situation..not in a mocking or mean way but in a loving daddy way.  I can't help but laugh at the cheerios now scattered across my kitchen floor (yes somehow cereal was involved after all)  or the two loads of laundry sitting in laundry baskets on my couch or the printer paper

that my one year old just scattered all across my floor. All I can think of is how madly and crazy in love I want to fall with Jesus. I have always loved him but I need more than what I had... I need more than what I have been ok with. I love that he reminds me that I am a mother and a wife and his daughter first! Before anything else those are the things I am always no matter what season of life I am in those three things will never change. So as I crave his presence more and more I will be reminded of who I am more and more. So for now I am sitting back and enjoying the ride and making lots and lots of coffee!

December Delight

 I have decided that blogging once a month is about all I can afford time wise and I realize that there isn't anyone dying to read my blogs but there is a small place inside of my self that loves to blog and just get my thoughts down.
I internalize quite more than I care to admit so its a really good thing for me to blog.

So moment of truth, now that its December I have to admit that I didn't finish my thankfulness blog from November there was a tiny chance that I said that would happen but hey who's keeping track?!

Now onto this beautiful topic of DECEMBER!

I usually am NOT a fan of cold weather or winter. I am a summer girl all the way but this year I am really trying to focus on the good in all things which is a process in itself but one that is working...slowly but surely.
I am so excited for this month!
Not for any particular reason other than its new and its full of possibilities. I love Christmas but if you put all your excitement in that one basket then as soon as its over then winter will just be cold and with out the glow of  all things Christmas.
So I have decided to be thankful for Christmas but it is not my winter nutshell. I am blessed because this year we had snow fall right off the bat in December it didn't stay but for almost an entire day there were snowflakes blowing everywhere.
It rapidly rushed into freezing here for some reason, not sure why we plummeted to 0 degree weather but even that I am thankful for. Mainly because all that wonderful summer weight I lost has recently found me again and what better time for layers!

I noticed very quickly that the month of December basically booked up in less than 3 days...now usually when that happens you know there are some scheduling issues that need to be worked out. So I decided I need to write out the things I have going on..just so that I can see them. Everything I do is stuffed inside my phone and the calender only shows me one day at a time so I literally take it a day at a time haha.

So I have a few things brewing in my life right now...
 We have three grace groups happening right now..two we individually attend and then one we host
I am volunteering twice a month at a non profit organization called Micah's Hope also once a week at the Pregnancy Resource Center. Jose has practice usually once a week and I have prayer once a week. We have church and volunteer things happening within church on Sunday's. So when this gets broken down onto a Calendar it quickly books up nearly every night or day of the week.

Some people would look at those things and think either that is nothing compared to the list of million times ten other things they are doing ... or they will think we have too much going on with Jose working full time and us having 3 kids. But all I can see when I look at this is God's provision and amazing faithfulness! Every single thing on this list and there are a few items not listed  just for personal reasons but in all these things God is working something for good and for completeness! I remember having some of the things I am doing now just as a dream in the back of my mind years ago as though it was so far off and un realistic. God really is amazing and always has perfect timing. I am blessed by the peace that fills this space in my life right now, the joy that pours like oil from each and every thing we are apart of. It is enriching our lives in ways that we never thought possible


So this December words can't really describe but I am so excited! I look forward to all these things that I am doing because in turn I see God doing something in me. Its one of the busiest but most FUN season's of my life. I can usually feel if there is something that isn't fitting right in my life but its just not that way... I love the change and the freedom that comes with the change, just like the winter is slowly creeping in and changing everything fall had brought so I see God weaving in and out of these things that are happening and changing in my life. Not to mention that this month marks several birthdays of some of my favorite people on the planet. I get to see some of my family for an entire week and my long lost older brother is coming to visit. So among-st  all the amazing spiritual things happening there are some pretty exciting family things happening as well. I can't wait!!

Because no matter how cold it gets this December is Delightful!

November... No Less Thankful

Every day that I see Facebook,  in addition to seeing everyone's beautiful faces I get to see how thankful they are this month for all the tiny things in their life. Now I love November for this very thing. Instead of negative comments and rude posts I see thankfulness and I love it!

I have desired to jump on the thankfulness train however, I have a touch of the ADD...which basically means I add things to my mind as I look at other things so I never get anything done which is why If I started the thankfulness train there would be no destination I would probably stop at like day 10 then forget what month it is entirely and try to pick up the rest of the days later in the month and its just messy. So to solve my predicament I have decided to create a thankfulness blog!!! YAY

I know I am excited and hopefully you are all too.... if not your totally welcome to stop reading..that could be your thankfulness post for the next day..your thankful you were able to stop reading lol totally kidding. I have been home all week so my "jokes" are a tad worse than usual.

Since there are 30 days in November ( yes I checked my little computer calendar) I will just do 30 things I am thankful for.  However for now I am only going to do eleven mainly because I only have time for eleven but I am still technically ahead of the rest of you so no judgment here.  Disclaimer I had a really rough week..so some of the things I am thankful for are coming from a place of being seriously thankful because of how hard this week was.
The numerical order represented here has nothing to do with the order of the things I am thankful for instead it's merely represented by the things that came to my mind first.

1. The washer and dryer...with out which I could not have lived through this week of my kids being sick
2. The Dishwasher... with out it I would be seriously exhausted
3. Soap...seriously so thankful for soap
4. Snotty Snuggles..I know this sounds like a gross thing but the snotty snuggles of a one year old don't last long
5. Friends I am truly thankful for friends. Friends who make me laugh and cry and understand. I am so blessed by friends
6. Music...Oh my goodness I am so thankful for music! I am thankful for technology that helps me find new music
7. Medicine.. not that I am not a super believer in the supernatural healing but I am so incredibly thankful for cough medicine and Tylenol and ibuprofen and vicks.
8. TV....I know this one is shallow but when you have 2 sick kids at home all day TV becomes a huge blessing to get their mind off of the headache they have.
9. Easy breakfast....this week I could kiss whoever invented easy breakfast's like instant oatmeal, the toaster, the pop tart.
10. The sun.... I am so thankful for bright and shiny days
11. The mountains... they are always a reminder to me of what Central Oregon has that other places just do not. Not in the same way. Our mountains and landscape is just gorgeous

That is all you get this week. Keep your eyes posted for my next thankfullness blog which will most likely be based off that week as well.

Blessings

War in The Waiting

              As a family we usually pray together as the bigger girls are about to go to bed and every night we usually pray for people or families that we know that are facing really difficult circumstances and then we thank the Lord for how good he has been to our family.
It hit me the other night as we were praying that it had been a long time since we have had to pray for our own family as in Jose and I and the girls.
            After we went to bed I layed awake and just thought about how good God had been to us and how blessed I was to have Jose as the leader of
my home and the leader of my heart.
           Now I am not sharing this to show you how awesome my family is or anything like that but instead I want to share with you a true moment of testing for me. Something that I am actually still in and still battling with.

Isn't it funny sometimes that as soon as we begin to think something that very thing happens or changes? Not to say that it changed simply because I realized it had been that way  and now suddenly it wasn't going to be anymore.
In fact I think it's just the opposite, I think that God is so good and faithful in loving us that he gives us moments to notice how amazing things are in our life in a way to sustain us through the next storm.

The next few days felt a little different than the ones before, it felt almost as though heavy rain was hitting us so to speak, rain that usually preludes a much larger storm to come. It had been honestly so long since I had been in a raging storm that I felt like I didn't even know where to begin. I have had my fair share of storms hit my life but the storm is entirely different when the storm isn't about you..but about someone you love.

Suddenly it felt like my world was spinning out of control.. suddenly out of nowhere the strongest man alive the man that holds my heart in his hands, that has been strong enough to handle all of my past storms was now seemingly weak. His back has now hit a point where he can't even do odd jobs around the house he can barely sit in our dining room chairs because it's too painful. Every moment I see him hold his back I would simultaneously hold my breath. As a stay at home mom I do my share of holding things together but he holds me together so I felt like I was entering into unknown territory.

I have never cared more for anyone on this planet as much as I care for my husband..its strange there is an entirely different level of love that comes from being a mother and that I have for my children but the connection I share with Jose is different. This person that I can't imagine my life with out was now showing signs of weakness and I was just not used to it. I am not used to hearing him talk about having trouble doing his job. He has always loved his job so much and took pride in giving it his best. I am not used to things changing and most of all I am not used to uncertainty.
 Roughly around the same time he noticed a mole growing on his stomach and I of course as the wife nagged him like crazy about getting it checked out..but like a man he just ignored it. Finally I noticed a very significant discoloration in the mole and finally I checked online to see if I could find one example that matched... and I did. It matched one that was closest to melanoma, trying not to get into fear I just rebuked the computer screen and walked away (naturally) lol

Then I called and made an appointment for my husband.

So on that we wait...

I don't know what tomorrow brings, I have no way of knowing what will happen with my husbands job and our only source of income. He may be forced with switching departments which could lead to an entire new area of uncertainty with scheduling, he may be forced to completely leave this job that he has had for nearly seven years.

The beauty of this place that I have found myself in, is that I don't get to control what is going on... I get to trust that God know's what he is doing.

He knows what he is doing in my heart and my husbands and what he is doing in our daughters ...

My storm may just beginning but I have decided that we will not sink....we will not drown.

I love the lyrics in this song.. I feel like it fits our situation so well.

" When the day of Trouble finds me, In the cleft of the Almighty is where I will be.
When my enemies surround me, you will keep me safe in your dwelling
Though war break out against me  I will war like an anchor at sea and be strong in the war with the enemy
Though war break out against me I will make war in the waiting."

I feel like shouting this song over and over again, over my house and over my family because it will become our creed in this time of uncertainty and unknowing.

I am writing this blog to remind myself that as the storm increases and things may get more difficult I can read back over these thoughts and I can declare that I chose to stand and not falter  and that those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength and mount up on wings like eagles and soar!

Throwing Dirt

             I realized the other day that my blogs lack serious coolness and relativity. I read a few "cool" blogs about design's and cooking things people had created or redone themselves and suddenly I was left feeling insignificant. As if my little commentaries about my wacky, random thoughts were totally lame compared to these "get to it" women. This is totally not a pity thing, please don't bombard my email with well wishing and "oh don't worry, your still awesome" emails. Because I am ok..I got over my self and realized that it is what it is and if I want to change it then I can..I just have to get to it and become crafty and all those things that take time and effort and honestly just give me nightmares thinking about it with a one year old walking around.

       So now that were all aware of the obvious..that my blog isnt going to be as awesome as some of the others that you have read, I think we can move on and discuss what this blog is really about.

Basically, I read this amazing quote the other day that has just really stuck with me..mainly because I am a visual learner and things that create a story in my head stick better.

                                             "He who throws dirt loses ground." -Unknown

So simple and basic. Right?!

Why is this very basic principle so hard to live by? I recently have found myself on this journey of desperately wanting to learn to love people in a real way, a deep very non fake and plastic way.

Growing up I felt like I picked up a few bad habits from people not that it was their fault, it was my fault for creating a character collage in my head of all these different mannerisms. Fake it until you Make it was a mantra for my life for a really really long time....like a long time.

When you walk a certain path that is well lit with scrutiny and judgement you basically tattoo this mantra onto your heart.

Every interaction becomes fake and totally un real and un true. I wont show you who I am because I don't want to get hurt, so I will distance my self as far away from you as I can and in the process I began to lose ground from all the dirt I began to throw to cover up what was really going on with me.

I was apart of an exclusive club only my sign read "NO ONE ALLOWED"

Yeah that got me not very far in my life, so it's time to chop that clubhouse down and use the scraps for firewood because I am choosing to stand my ground and stop throwing dirt. I will dig my heels in and honestly, truly choose to figure people out and allow my heart to be seen.
                                          GULP

Yes that was the sound of me trying to swallow my pride.

Its an awkward process but thankfully I can do all things through Christ who strengthen's me and I have a feeling I am going to need a lot of strength in this next season..

I will yell  " BRING IT" to this storm of uncomfortable and lonely feelings coming my way.

When you stop throwing dirt ..you become totally vulnerable to having dirt thrown at you.

Guess its time to love the taste of dirt because I am doing this. I am all in. Prepare yourself for a very lovey dovey Ashley from now on...once I figure out what that looks like that is... haha and PLEASE hold me accountable to it. The last thing I want to be is a hypocrite so if you see me throwing dirt or faking it just yell at me " Stop trying to build your own clubhouse Ashley"!!!

I will give 5 bucks to anyone who has the guts to do that if they truly see me doing it. Rebecca Ball is excluded from this offer.

Mama Seriously Needs a Time Out Today!

                    Today may have actually taken all of my energy already.. and currently it's only 11:05 am .so that is saying alot

I am not totally sure what exactly happened but I had planned on today being awesome because it was Kaitlin's official first day of Kindergarten with all of the other kindergartner's. 

I began my morning waking up half an hour late due to what possibly the worst dream I have ever had in my life. So I jumped out of bed only to find that my neck felt like it wasn't exactly attached..so that was fun. 

I was congested and sounded like I had a golf ball in my throat as I am trying to yell at the girls to get ready. 

In all my " pre planning" I hadn't actually picked out anyone's clothes the night before and since my two amazing girls have quite the opinion these days about what they wear I knew we were already headed for a fight. 

Kaitlin kept trying to get my attention and finally I looked at her and noticed her eye was puffy and 3 times the size it was the night before due to a stupid bug bite she got while  in Wal Mart. 

                 SIGH 

So I had to calm her down for about ten minuets convincing her that once we get her some medicine it will be better.

Yeah...that would have worked except we were completely out of Benadryl...

Fifteen Minuets later we managed to get to the kitchen where I prepared breakfast for THREE hungry girls..which is a task in case you haven't tried it. MOMS with more mouths to feed in the morning my hat is off to you! 

I am now running like a crazy woman trying to get in the shower because we have to stop at the store before school to get some more benadryl. 

I noticed that it just happens to be a very serious laundry day for me and I basically have nothing to wear except for "laundry day clothes" ...yay 

By the time I get out and get "ready" which is throwing some clothes on I notice its already 8:20..school starts at 9 am. 

So any thoughts of trying to apply makeup or run a brush through my sopping wet hair was out of the question. 

The girls finally got their teeth brushed ..I managed to wrestle some clothes on to Naomi ..couldn't find her shoes though..naturally. 

We manage to get out of the house by 8:40...

I threw a sweatshirt on to even out my odds at how ridiculous I looked..we run to walgreens,  and again I am getting two out of three kids out of car seats to run through the store to get one thing. Seriously WHY must every store have a member number that must be entered before paying..don't they know I don't have enough hands to spare to enter the number?!

We manage to get to the school its exactly 9 am. We are literally RUNNING across the lawn into school backpacks flying. Barefoot baby on my hip..I am sure I made some moms talk. 

I am clearly sweating by the time I get to the kindergarten gym.

My daughter is swept away with all the other kindergartner's I inform the teacher of Kaitlin's puffy eye predicament but re assure her that I gave her bendaryl..

Her teacher looked at me weird and said "well I sure hope she doesn't fall asleep"

SLAP HEAD HERE

Seriously? How could I not think about that. Oh well she only goes for like 2 hours how sleepy could she get right?

I am about ready to leave this nightmare and get home and get out of the OVEN that I was wearing..

BUT of course I was so late that I walked right into the "BOO Breakfast" which is a parental forum for kindergarten parents...

So I am sweaty in "laundry day clothes" have a shoe less baby on my hip and am now in front of several parents enjoying coffee..

SO of course they told me to please take a seat..and enjoy the next HALF HOUR forum..

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

No stroller ..Naomi had NO shoes...I had no Oxygen at this point....

But naturally I stayed..I didn't want to be "that mom" ...

Naomi managed to throw every single piece of fruit off of my plate and nearly spill my coffee but other than that the forum was actually quite helpful. 

That was my morning. 

The only good part of this whole thing 

 

was that the coffee they served was OFF THE CHART DELICIOUS .....but at this point I would say MAMA most definitely needs a time out. 

Does It Ever Get Easier?

 Back to School...all summer long I have been waiting and waiting for this. 

Well it's here and I am only three days into "back to school" and I think I am failing at it. 

Not sure if that is possible but I certainly don't feel like I am succeeding at being a "back to school" mom.

All summer while I had a billion and one projects to do with the girls including catching up on their home school studies, going to the library, park dates, turning on the sprinklers,turning off the sprinklers, reading books, help them clean their room, ....sigh......

All summer all I could think about was how many actual things I could accomplish in the fall..once the girls went back to school. 

However, as I mentioned earlier we are only three days into this and it is not going as expected....at all. I realize this blog is of course a bit premature. That doesn't mean that I am not struggling and seriously going through something. This is my very first experience with being a parent of someone in the public school system and I am finding out very quickly that I am reeling out of control. 

See when you home school your children there are certain privileges you get to molding your young one's mind in all things good and educational. I was in complete control of her language skills and math facts so I knew where she was with it at all times. 

Now that I am no longer in control of these things I found out that I have turned into something I never thought that I would actually be. I have turned into "THAT MOM"

Which has prevented me from enjoying my much anticipated "back to school" time.

If you are even a little bit controlling as a mother you may know what I am talking about. When we went to meet my daughters teacher I had already done all of my homework (well all that was provided, which was one sheet of paper) about this new person in my daughters life that would be controlling her educational future. 

I was a bit frustrated with her lack of serious concern for my many questions on the first day. I thought that would pass and I was probably just getting ahead of myself and that ALL of my questions would be answered once school actually started. 

So I waited and became almost more eager than my daughter as I awaited the first day take home packet. 

Which I thought for sure would provide all the pick up drop off details that I needed for my daughter as well as an ENTIRE itinerary on what my daughter would be learning throughout the day ( yes I do need to know what time of day my daughter is in P.E or music class) I figured it would also give me all the up to date security measures that have been improved since the Connecticut incident. I knew it would include the info on how many people were on duty on recess and exactly what happens at lunch time like how many classes would be there with her or is it just her class that eats together and what do they do after lunch?

Alas..the time came and I opened the packet and it was flimsy and weak..full of questions for me to give them and things I have already given them! There were a few things mentioned on security and pick up zones. But nothing nearly as in depth as I thought that it would be and NOTHING about what my daughter was learning throughout the day. 

I am not getting the info I need from my 7 year old as I pepper her with questions about her day.She simply tells me about the fun parts but nothing actually about her math or language lessons..sigh... 

 I found out that we don't have conferences until November...NOVEMBER that is 3 months from now..what if my daughter is struggling horribly in math for 3 months and I wont know until then.... GASP.... 

This whole thing is entirely much harder than I ever thought it would be. I am most certainly not the take it easy let go not worried mom as I most definitely thought that I was. My only question at this point ( since ive asked all of the other ones) is does it ever get easier?

Because at this point I may go INSANE and put a nanny cam on my daughters shirt to get the info I need....that actually isn't a bad idea...wait oh my gosh see....out of control! 

Second Grade ..

As my oldest daughter is about to commence into a new year of her childhood it begins to make me think of my own. These memories just flashed back from when I was seven years old and entering second grade.

What really worried me was that I remembered second grade...all of it.

I think as parents sometimes we can let things slide that would leave a bad impression in someway on our kids just with the thought that they would be to young to remember. Throughout the early years of my two eldest daughter's lives that has been my go to thought. They wont remember these bad things because they are too young. Really it has been my sanity and in some cases in those rare dark moments what has held me together.

But now that all has changed.. my oldest daughter will be walking through a set of school doors tomorrow that she will indeed remember. She will remember her teacher and her classroom and her friends and even her first real crush.

I guess what is really messing with my mind are the thoughts of my own experience of second grade.

My second grade year was maybe the worst year of my life and it really wasn't anyone's fault I mean who knew that in the course of one year I would have to move in with my father for the first time in my life away from my mother and be secretly subjected to a horror movie from my next door neighbor and tortured almost daily by Adam who sat next to me in class who just had to check out those gross disgusting horror books from the library. He would keep the book open on the desk that we shared...flipping pages constantly telling me to look at it. The images in those books should never have been allowed in a public library and my innocent 7 year old eyes should have never had to see it.

I was way to scared to say anything ..this kid teased me enough at recess. It was a new school and I didn't have any friends as it was.

My poor dad had no idea how to handle the night terrors that plagued me that ENTIRE year. I didn't know until I was older but my dad almost had me committed to an institution. I remember not sleeping...ever. Because when I went to shut my eyes bad things happened to me...very bad things.

I don't watch horror movies because what people don't understand is that what is happening in them is real...all of it.

My dad had to hire a dozen or so babysitters to stay up with me all night because at the time he was a cop who worked night shift. Every night...they stayed up with me..well most of them. Some of them were way to tired to handle the likes of me but as long as they let me keep the light on I was fine.

That year changed my life in many ways. As as adult I am healthy and free from that fear that plagued me but you wont see me even watch a trailer to a new horror movie coming out.

These memories flood my mind as I think of my precious daughter entering school. All I can do is trust and pray that there wont be an Adam in her class like there was in mine..one that liked to torture me.

My daughters are made of pure steel so the good news is even if there is an Adam in any of their classes I feel for them. My girls know how to handle themselves and for that I am truly thankful.

I am praying for all the second graders this year who will walk through school doors tomorrow because one thing is for sure...they will remember it.

Random Thinker ...Try to Keep Up

I am not super thrilled with titles or stereotypes.. but I whole heart idly am a random thinker. I've heard that some women tend to tie their thoughts together like spaghetti noodles touching each other..I am that woman. ALL THE TIME
My poor husband. He does an amazing job of keeping up..but for the rest of the poor people that have to put up with me..well they are still learning. Maybe there has been a support group created, I'm not really sure.
So with all of these thoughts just mixing around in my head like spaghetti I figured I might as well get them out, I wanted to pick one topic to blog about but my blog turned out to be more of a blahhhhg lol if you didn't just get that maybe stop reading now because were just on a downward slope from here.

So currently I am obsessed (yes I realize the seriousness of that word) with Jenn Johnson ..she has been around for YEARS but I am just discovering here now. So I kind of feel like someone raving about the wheel or radio or something but she is simply amazing! It sounds like she is roaring when she sings..who does that? Except for maybe some cool 80's stars but this chick is literally screaming her lungs out in worship songs...I love passion! PASSION like s
weat..tears..maybe even some snot. If your leading worship I feel like maybe your physique should be messed up a bit, get your hair crazy and kick off your shoes do something crazy because you just can't contain it! I think I am just secretly super sad that I wasn't created to lead worship or even really worship in public but God knows all things and I think he knew what he was doing with that one ... lol

All I can do is lol at my self otherwise I would just col which is cry out loud in case no one knew...I actually didn't until just now. So feel free to use it.

I just got back from helping my mom move....I am fairly certain that after I unpacked her whole kitchen ..she may re do it. My mother has made comments on my own kitchen and the lack of sense that it made to her..so Mom I do apologize for the random cupboard of peanut butter and scoops chips mixed in with about 16 other random items. I have to say though I got an immense amount of joy from this move... and I daresay from Idaho .. I always pictured a bunch of potato crops in my mind when I thought of Idaho but its actually an amazing place. A little piece of heaven...except the smell.

They have such a cute place finally with enough room for all of the kids and grand kids. Just what mom has always wanted! That makes my heart happy.

I absolutely love the views from this teeny tiny city that they now find themselves in..I love that there is a metropolis of malls and restaurants and Starbucks ( bless the Lord) only about 15 minuets from my moms house...its a bit far to drive for coffee but worth it.

Coming home though, I find my self still battling things in my mind..oh my mind. My biggest enemy.
Imaginary conversations take place here as well as possible outcomes of situations not yet resolved. Again I just have to lol at my self other wise it becomes a col situation. My husband and my sister have been my strong shoulders as I go through what seems to be the most awkward season of my life. Then there are ALL these quotes that keep coming out on facebook...Sigh......... some I find..some others find but all of them convict me. Its literally like I just cant withdraw and hide and not fight and be fake with out people posting things that obviously pierce my soul... I just want to know what these awkward moments were like for people before the phone..and facebook. .....never mind that is where a great deal of my library came from...not to mention the bible. They just wrote each other stuff.

By the time they got done with all their emotions in the letter either A. they ran out of ink or B. the person scribing for them fell over dead ..so naturally they had plenty of time to perfect their letters. So we didn't get to see so much ugly transparency..I want to see some of those first drafts.

Anyway my mind is still reeling and I obviously need sleep ..maybe some prayer. Feel free to take this blaaaahg into your prayer closet.
Hope you were able to keep up!

Familiar Faces

There are few people in my life right now that know how things are "going" with me. They know the batches of loneliness that I have tried and usually failed at getting through. Most of this loneliness comes from just simply missing and aching for my family. There is something about having people near you that will love you unconditionally that won't fake it to make it to your face or be nice because they have to. 

I recently have been missing my family so badly that it was driving some parts of my heart to places of depression. I have worked tirelessly to get past this and honestly I was getting just plain exhausted. Even with these struggles I love how good our God is, he knows exactly what we need when we actually need it. Some how, some way he managed to create a scenario where I had those familiar faces back around me. 

My sister in law and nephew came to stay with us for a week and two days and during that time I had my  mom and two sisters from Washington here as well. All this family time brought around my crazy busy sister in law who does live here but is genuinely unavailable. We had pj parties and coffee runs, tv shows and trampoline craziness not to mention awesome home made snow cones. 

I don't think I have laughed so freely and so hard in an entire year. Our family has had some really ugly storms hit us and laughter really is the BEST medicine. There was so much healing in having all the kids together all 5 cousins playing, laughing, and wrestling together. It gave me so much hope for our future that even though there are still some lingering storm clouds over our family and over my loneliness, I know that Joy is also in our future and above all the promise of hope! 

Yesterday concluded my "family reunion" as I had to take my sister in law and nephew back to the train station. I can't explain it but as we drove,  through all of our silly stories and laugh's we both kept choking back silent sobs. This is her home, and she was leaving behind pieces of her as I was losing pieces of me with her leaving. She isn't my blood relative but she understands more about who I am than most people ever have cared to. When the train actually came and they boarded I completely lost it, tears just flowed free so horribly bad that I couldn't drive for at least 5 minuets. I searched my heart trying to figure out why it was hurting so badly to see them go and I realized that I am so tired of being alone. I have my husband and his family as well as my church family which absolutely covers a certain amount of my loneliness but when you come from such a big family and one that is as close as ours it is nearly impossible to be with out them. No one can love me the way my family does at least no one has tried to love me as much as they have. 

After the train I started out on my hour and a half drive back to Redmond with a stained pink sky and blaring loud worship music playing. I realized something new in that moment, I realized that not only had God created this entire week out of all the time we have here on earth for me to have my family back but he also created this small moment in time where I had an entire car and radio to my self. I had the sky and the tree's and best of all the summer sun. All these little things that I love and that I haven't had in such a long time. We serve such a good and loving father. He truly knows and understands all of our needs.. even if they take time. 

To Love or Not to Love

I always think it's funny when God shows that he is going to something amazing in me, but I never really think about the "work" that has to be done to get there. 

When I say "work" I most definitely mean WORK... 

I am pretty sure I have talked about how God is challenging me to grow up and love anyway with people. It has it's ups and downs but for the most part in the end it has been all warm and fuzzy. Soooo when I was challenged this evening with this task of "growing up and loving anyway" I didn't like it as much as the other times. I know that sounds weird, because anytime you have to love anyway that usually implies that there is a lack of love somewhere in the mix. So I shouldn't really like it ever ... but this particular situation was just different and I have been trying to figure out why.

I think I have narrowed it down and the results are not pretty, but they are enlightening which is why I am blogging about it...just in case you were wondering.

So the other few times that I have been in this situation the person that I was having to love anyway was always someone that I wanted to love me back. I wanted the relationship to work out, I would love anyway until this person would figure it out and then we would be back to normal and happy again. 

Tonight I was challenged with loving a person anyway.. and I am being totally honest here.. I didn't want to love this person because I didn't want this relationship to really work out. Oyyyyyyy that just made me sound horrible. 

I am trying to be totally honest .. not sure why but seriously if I talk about what really happened its big time gossip and I am not down for that, so I would rather blog vaguely about what is seriously happening in my heart. I am not proud at all of what is happening inside it, honestly I had no clue it was possible for my heart to feel this way. 

So here I am faced with this horrible reality, I was sitting in my living room speaking "freely" about how I was totally justified in not liking this person and not forgiving them because of ALL the things that they have done to me. My amazing husband just sat there in silence laughing quietly he knew that if he allowed me to just talk enough that I eventually would come to the conclusion that I was wrong...way wrong. 

When I realized that I didn't actually want to grow up and love anyway, I wanted to withdraw and hide and forget about this person for the rest of my life, our interactions could simply be cold and quick, I mean I have already apologized so I have every right to feel this way..right?!?

Sadly...wrongo.. Big time 

I hated the cold hard truth which is even with the people that aren't as close to me or the ones that seem to be of a different breed..the one's I don't know as well, even with them I have to love anyway. Real love which unfortunately is not self seeking. I have been wronged, but maybe somehow I wasn't perfect either and maybe just maybe my pastor who just preached this message on Sunday had a point when he said there ARE life giving relationships that we need to fight for. They may not be the most comfortable thing in the world and this is the first time that I am fighting for someone I barely know. I am believing this person just may be worth the fight..as hard as it is and as unfair as it seems I will take this challenge and I will grow up and love anyway. 

It's Ok to Be Ok..

Recently there has been something just really weighing on my heart. 

About a month ago I really hit a wall with some things here at home. I was feeling so overwhelmed and majorly stressed out and it finally came to a point where my husband sat down with me and through a lot of tears we tried to figure out what the source of my stress was . 

This meltdown couldn't have been more strategic, it took place on a Saturday afternoon and after really just laying everything out I was able to narrow down my source of stress. 

It was home schooling my girls. 

Now I know that if you are a successful home schooling mother you may have just scoffed or maybe glared..but hear my heart. 

I had been fighting internally with this idea that the girls were stressing me out, when in fact they were not. I was trying to mold my own standards and fit it into a day that was filled with random drop in visits, nap time's, crawling, breakfast, lunch, dinner, ministry and errands. Somehow I was convinced I could do it all. 

I think I was really basing this superwoman mentality off of my amazing family members that had successfully done it with way more children than what I have. 

I also have wonderful friends who are successfully home schooling and there is this big huge elephant in the room about public school. It's just not what is best for raising God fearing children. Today's culture will chew the kids up and spit them out and ultimately ruin them. I was terrified of this idea that if my kids ever went to public school then suddenly they would be shunned or not trusted with the "Godly" kids who were home schooled. 

I really internally wrestled with all of these ideas until I just broke down. That Saturday afternoon, my husband and I prayed about what was going on and we felt released to stop home schooling the girls for a year and enroll them into public school. 

I talked earlier about strategic timing, that next day was a Sunday and the message was about letting go of those things that we hold on to so tightly that we end up missing our opportunity to let go or we end up destroying the thing that had so much promise...because of fear. 

I felt so released and free from this decision. 

However, I have noticed that as I tell people of our decision to enroll the girls into public school, we are noticing that everyone seems to have an opinion on the subject. 

My heart has been through the ringer where this is concerned, I was recently told that my children were my biggest ministry. I don't argue that, but I also know that God has a future and a hope for my children! I am not a confrontational person, so defending my reasons to people is incredibly uncomfortable.. God entrusted these kids to my husband and I so I really have to stand strong on that fact. But one thing I noticed is that I am not the only one going through an incredibly overwhelmed season of life, but what breaks my heart is to see that people still seem to be buried underneath so much fear of letting go and making the same choice that I did. I am not saying everyone should do what I am doing that would make me a big fat hypocrite. But what I am saying, is that if you are feeling like home school is a burden then something should change and fear should not stop you from pursuing that peace. 

Of course I have day's when I go into panic mode thinking of what could happen in public school.. but today I made a decision that this is right and the circumstances around this decision can not dictate my place of peace. 

I believe that God has thoughts of good and not evil for my children and plans to prosper them! And from that promise I will stand and I will not fear what "could" be. I pray that if you feel pressed on every side and backed into a corner of fear and expectation's, that you would let go and believe.. believe that God is for you and your family..for you prospering and excelling! This decision has not been an easy one, but we believe it is the right one that feeling is a great one. 

Be Blessed! 

Birthday Bliss!

Well today is my 26th birthday!! 26..... Wow, so at some point I will have to actually start acting my age, I am like a real adult now. My husband still is not, he is still only 25 haha...

Every year I try not to get my hope's too high with my birthday mainly because I am a woman and I am married to a man who doesn't think about all the tiny details like I do. I also have this really weird quirk where I absolutely hate getting a present early! Whether it's Christmas, Valentines Day, what ever I hate it if I get the present any time before the actual Day.

I don't know why that is such a big thing to me but it is and every year my poor husband has been on the negative end of my discovery process.
So each year we go through a bit of a process of high expectations, I blame my mother and step dad even if we didn't have any money they would always make a way to make our birthday's matter! They would make us feel so special and well to be honest that expectation has followed me into marriage.
I have tried to ignore this annoying side of me but every holiday it seems to get worse, this year Jose gave me chocolates and flowers a day early for Valentines day and I nearly cried. I guess it feels like the speacialness is taken out of the day, some people may think I am shallow for this, but I am just being real. Its a part of who I  really am it is not that I am not incredibly thankful for anything he is willing to give me, I just hate that internally I am sad if it's not on the day. Now that we are down to one income, things have changed. I am not really expecting anything at all, so my expectations are fairly low because of our budget.

This year however, Jose out did himself,
Jose usually leaves early in the morning and today when I went to let the dogs out I nearly tripped over a chair. There in my kitchen was a beautiful new bike. A new beach cruiser, Jose and I talked for over a year how nice that would be for me to get, but we never really talked seriously about it because of our budget. He also got me a big container of protein powder, which for some of you that would be weird. But I have been really wanting some, but again those big containers are like minimum $25 bucks.





I felt so incredibly thrown back, I had no clue. Nothing led me to believe I had any gift coming this year, usually the girls let it slip and this year...nothing. So, a true and serious surprise. It was amazing.

The girls and I walked through the canyon to Mcdonalds and had berry parfait's.

I was able to watch Heartland my amazing Canadian horse show which I never have time to do, so it was a serious treat.

Our amazing neighbors picked me these beautiful flowers from their garden and wished me a happy birthday!

My fantastic mother in law offered to watch our girls for a little while so Jose could take me to dinner. We tried out the Smith Rock Brewery, not for the Brew but for the location. It looked so cute on the outside and was actually pretty cute on the inside. We finished it up with some Yo-Wild  and it was the end to a perfect birthday.

I feel so blessed and loved and I love that as my girls get older they try so much harder to make my day special. I love it because I work really hard to make my families birthday's amazing and it is so nice to have that re payed.

So now you know all about my birthday bliss :)

Prepare To Be Unprepared

               The thought of going away is so exciting usually, right. I mean, you get to be away from normal life. We packed up and headed North to Washington last week, and it was amazing. The next day we headed even further North up to Canada and spent the weekend in Vancouver, B.C. 
As wonderful as our hotel room was, and not having to give baths, and make meals,and do laundry; I hate that feeling where you are trying to fit in all the fun within the time you are given. I tried so hard to have as much fun as we could that I ended up stressing out about having fun. I didn't even know that was possible.

You see our big day of fun was going to be Saturday, and  I packed a whole suitcase full of extra shoes and cute dresses and tops. I mean, I am home 75% of my life, so I really wanted to show off my cute clothes.I had several destinations already planned out in my mi

nd for where I would wear my cute clothes. One of these places being a waterfront restaurant, super cute right downtown. Ironically enough I wore one outfit. ONE.  You see my wonderful husband planned out Saturday for us already, like months in advance.
                                                   ***********************
 Playland! Yes that was the plan, an all day adventure to an amusement park, where we could be kids again. Sounds wonderful, right? It would be except for my paralyzing fear of anything that spins,rolls, or flips at speeds higher than 5 mph. I put on this face, like I was ready for this awesome day he had planned, nearly shaking at the very thought of spending my entire day "faking" my happiness. You may say " well, how do you know that you wouldn't have had fun"? Well I am here to tell you that I have down my likes and dislikes and I do a lot of pretending and people pleasing but near death experiences is where I draw the line. See, I don't need to get nauseous and sunburned to feel like a kid again. I get to be queen Mommy at all the princess parties, and I read stories to stuffed animals on a regular basis. I feel like a kid all the time. 
My amazing husband saw through my fake smile, and quickly thought of a detour to our day. So because he was so sweet to let me out of this pre planned adventure, I couldn't say no to his next plan. Which was to simply walk the 3 miles to the Harbor Look out Point. So I got on my not so cute clothes and laced up my tennis shoes threw my just done hair into a pony and headed out. 
                                                        
If you haven't walked 3 miles in 80 degree weather into a huge foreign concrete jungle mess of different nationalities and bus stops, then well I have news for you, it is not pretty. By the time we got downtown the make up I had put on earlier was now gone, I was sweaty, my hair was gross. I was exhausted and honestly dazed at how freakishly tall the buildings now were. My cute little restaurant that I had planned to go to looking cute, well it Ironically was right next to our big destination point. So there was no point in walking all 3 miles back just to get changed just to drive back and pay for parking to eat there. So naturally we went and ate looking the way we did. We also threw a movie in the middle of our day, yet another event that I planned an outfit for... now ruined by my sweaty street clothes. 
                                                   
Finally sunset was nearing and there we were in the middle of this huge, unknown city. The crazies were starting to come out and I started to panic  So instead of thinking rationally and trying to plan a bus route with out any internet I did what anyone else would do. I practically ran the 3 miles back to the hotel, determined to make it back before dark. I felt like a hobbit being chased by a ring wraith. So my relaxing and amazing weekend had now turned into a blister filled day of exhaustion and sweat. I laugh now, but in the moment it was sad and frustrating and I have to ask myself, why do I even bother sometimes. Life is going to happen no matter what we plan, but I am realizing those are the things that make the memories the most fun.

Nothing to Fear but Fear Itself

  ~Fear: a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. ~

 Lately I have been really thinking about fear. I know me pondering fear is frowned upon. But lately these incidents that are taking place everywhere have me facing things that I would rather have hidden away...far, far away. 

Last night I woke up to make a bottle for my youngest daughter, now 9 months.While waiting for the water to warm I hopped on facebook via my phone just to pass the time. I was completely wrecked to learn of a fertilizer plant in Texas that had exploded taking out an apartment complex nearby and several homes. This story was not much different than the recent Boston story or several others happening across the globe but this one story sat to close to home for me. My husband works in a titanium plant and we live in a town very close to the same population as West ( although Redmond is much larger). 
I stayed awake for hours wondering why this story shook me and the others just glazed by me. I began to think of my husbands plant and how many fire's they have had in the ventilation system. Every one of them has had  my heart in my throat. I cant bear the thought of my husband being in some type of situation like those in the fertilizer plant. 
See, I have this fear of pain. Any kind of pain.
Whether it be physical pain, or emotional pain, I am afraid of pain.
Now as a Christian I know what I am saying is very taboo and before you go throwing deceleration scriptures at me, know that this realization is actually quite healthy for me.
When I was young, I remember seeing my mother cry herself to sleep every so often. She was madly in love with my father, they had four children together each about 2 years apart. While my mother was pregnant with my younger sister Rebecca, my father left. Now I love my dad and I have a wonderful relationship with him but him leaving devastated my mother. I never felt her pain, but it did filter in to different places of my life. 
I have never lost anyone close to me.. I fear that if I did lose someone that I was truly close to, someone that I have opened my heart to that I might not recover. 
I know that God never gives us more than we can handle, and I know several people that have faced loss and over come it and because of it they are stronger now than they ever were. 
But even though they are stronger, they are also harder, more closed off. 
I am an incredibly soft and very sensitive person, and honestly I just dont know what kind of person I would be if those soft places became hard, or those things that have made me who I am were now covered with emotions that were to raw to ever surface who I once was again.
I have seen what pain has done to people, and although God makes all things new I am afraid of becoming new.
I am living this life that I absolutely love! I have everything I honestly have ever wanted, I know that sounds so annoying and like I am stretching the truth or like I have a fake life that is secretly horrible behind doors. But I don't.  Part of me is afraid of the other shoe dropping, or like I dont actually deserve to enjoy and live in this moment. I wouldn't change anything about my life and because of that I fear that everything I love I will lose and everything that feels safe will leave. I know it sounds stupid but it is because I know that a life not lived completely abandoned to Jesus isn't really a life worth living at all. 

It honestly isn't totally easy for me to be this transparent, for all of you to know that I am a total scardy cat but in all honesty I completely am. But I also know that the God we serve is bigger than my fears. He is stronger than my greatest weakness, and his plans for me are good and not evil. 

          I know that Jesus died the way he did, leaving those he loved and allowed into his life, he died the worst death known to man so that I might be delivered from a place of fear. Although it is hard, it feels sometimes like I have to force myself to believe it but I really have nothing to fear, but fear itself. 

Thankful for Spring!

I love spring! Spring is everything beautiful and perfect. Summer usually is my go to season, but the excitement I have this year cannot be contained. I began to see, that my life is so much like spring. Especially Central Oregon spring, there are days that its rainy and ugly. But there are days that are beautiful and you can begin to see change. As I began to look around  at all the change and newness that is coming forth I began to be taken back to another spring nearly 5 years ago, when I began to live again. But to go back to that spring, you have to understand, where I was spiritually, physically and emotionally.

The book of Job was my favorite book in the bible, still is. Job was the Man. In my eyes there was no one to his equal in all the bible (besides Jesus) he understood what genuine happiness was and he knew what joy it was to serve the Lord. He knew what joy, accomplishment, and trust in the Lord felt like. He also knew what it was like to lose all of that and to be brought so low that death was a welcome thought.

                                     ~~~
" What Strength do I have, that I should still hope? What prospects, that I should be patient?-Job 6:11

This is what I felt in my heart after falling..
Falling from grace, is such a painful feeling. To be serving in the father's house one moment and then next to be eating pig slop just to stay alive. Once the heart begins to feel the weight and shame of living outside of God's will and plan, it is so heavy that it's all you can do but physically hide from the spiritual and emotional things that you are feeling.  I felt this, after getting pregnant for the second time outside of marriage. The shame that I wore and clothed myself with nearly killed me, and at one point...almost my child. The darkest of dark thoughts entered my mind, God, grace and everything I once leaned upon were gone now. I breathed in and lived in this new era of shame and disgrace. I had no strength left that I would try to still hope and I had no dreams that I would actually wait for them. Especially my dream of happily ever after. My dream was to have a husband that loved God and was a mighty man who was strong but could be gentle and that would love me forever. Since my fall from grace I had dreamed that my husband would adopt my children, and we would be a happy family.
But how could I deserve this beautiful dream? Well I certainly didn't believe that I did, so I gave in and compromise became my new lifestyle.
I will never forget that Spring that Jose came into my life, it had only been 14 months after the darkest spring of my life. He walked and talked Jesus. He oozed everything I ever dreamed of in a man. But there I was falling in love with this perfect dream, and I was broken and had given up on dreaming.
I love that my defeat didn't stop God's plan.
In my opinion I didn't deserve a man like Jose, but what I didn't know was that he had already put in a request for me long ago. In high school, this man had fallen in love with my wreck-less love for Jesus and specifically prayed for a wife just like me.  I love that God promises to complete the good work that he has started in us. Although that spring all those years later, I wasn't that passionate Jesus pursuer I was in High school, but this man had come to claim his prize. The second I knew Jose wanted me, broken and torn apart as I was, he wanted me, I jumped into the arms of grace and second chances. I love that my love story is the story God has for each and every one of us. Titus 3:5 says he saved us not because of what we did right, but because he is good and has mercy for us.

I love that it will never because of how good we are.This new spring all these years later, I am on solid ground with Jesus and not shifting in the sand. Spring will always hold a special place in my heart, it truly is when all dead things begin to live again, and all the  undeserving begin to accept and believe  To this day, I fall more in love with my husband every day. I fall in love how he fathers our children, yes he did adopt our two older girls and with out me asking. He directs me to Jesus when I feel confused, and holds my heart in his rough over worked hands. We aren't perfect but we allow our God to unfold our paths before him. He is completing his story in us, and we take every step by faith. For now I am just happy and unconditionally thankful for spring!

Placement Value

         I have decided that I am going to take this blogging opportunity to basically use this as a journal entry of sorts. I seriously miss that about grade school, I loved having journal time. Since I only have one follower this should be fairly easy as far as transparency goes lol. 

  ~One thing God has been doing lately has been challenging my obedience. Every day feels like a new day to try and figure this whole thing out. I know that his mercies are new everyday and on that I rely. 

I struggle with placement value.. I know your thoughts immediately went to math lol no I struggle with my placement value in the sense that in the body of Christ my place or where my placement is and my value. I am not sure why I feel so off with my place, but sure enough everything I get into even down to praying out loud feels like I am doing something wrong. Like I am constantly being critiqued and weighed on how well I am doing. I am sure my time at T-Mobile didnt do me any favors.
~ So I knew I needed to make some changes, a friend of mine recommended this book, " The Root of Rejection" by Joyce Meyer, So far I am loving it and hating it. I am forced to face the things that have kept my excuses up and my walls "guarding" me. If you read my last post you know that walls and security is a big thing to me.

The truth is, I do have a root of rejection I believe it began really young and just worsened in my massive awkward phase. I love this book because in it she talks about what the word "Secure" means in the Greek. It means to have "FULL COMMAND" in this she talks about how we have a blood bought right to have full command. Which means I can lead my life with out fear or anxiety of what other people will think. 

It helps me realize that I have value in what ever placement I may have in the body of Christ, and I bring Value! It's a process but I am excited to try and walk out this work that he is beginning in me. I know it may not be easy but I believe that he holds keys to unlock these chains of "people pleasing" that have been bound around me for so long.I still have a long way to go in the book, but after some break through yesterday, I look forward to the new things in store for today.